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Old 15-02-2020, 12:11   #8596
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Now you have John's full attention!


Nothing wrong with that!
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Old 15-02-2020, 12:30   #8597
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Re: The New Joke Thread

There’s no such thing as Scottish people.

Either your name is Scott or it isn’t.
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Old 15-02-2020, 12:32   #8598
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Doctor: I don't think alcohol agrees with you.

Me: It's just fine for things to have different opinions.
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Old 15-02-2020, 12:33   #8599
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Re: The New Joke Thread

And now to bring down the house...


So there’s a fly…and a gnat lands on its back.

The fly says, “Is there a gnat on my back?”

The gnat says, “Gnat at all.”

The fly says, “That’s the worst pun I’ve ever heard."

The gnat goes, “What do you expect, I just made it up on the fly!”
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Old 15-02-2020, 12:34   #8600
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Two blondes are walking through the park...

One blonde says to her friend, "Awww! Look at that poor little dog with one eye!"

The second blonde covers an eye with her hand and says, "Where?"
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Old 15-02-2020, 12:36   #8601
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A pregnant elephant goes to the doctor.

Right away the doctor says, "I like to talk about the elephant in the womb"
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Old 15-02-2020, 13:04   #8602
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Re: The New Joke Thread

The following is a long story, and true.

When I reported to my first sub, I was 26, a lot older than the 18 -19 yr olds who joined, but even though I'd been out in the world for 8 yrs, it could never prepare me for the crew members we had.

The 2nd day onboard, one of the chiefs asked me what my first name was. I told him and he said, "That's incredible! I have your name tattooed on my ass!" I said, "No way!" He bet me $20 and dropped his pants right there in control. Sure enough, on his right ass cheek was "Your name" in big bold letters! There went my $20.

A few days later, we were underway on WESTPAC and doing 2/3 bell at 400 ft, so us helmsman/planesman, Diving Officer and Chief of the Watch were pretty relaxed, pretty easy mid watch.

The COW had really bad acne scars, the worst I'd ever seen, but I wasn't going to bring it up. Suddenly he turns to me and says, "I bet you're wondering what happened to my face." I was, but I wasn't going to admit it. I sat frozen and he said, "My older brothers were really mean. When I was 12 yrs old, they set fire to my face, then put it out with ice picks."

"No way! They didn't!" "Well, they actually didn't, but it sounds a lot better than just having really bad acne... I tell you what, it's made it almost impossible to meet women. They always look away if I even glance at them!"

Right after that, the planesman said, "Yeah, but that didn't stop that total babe you met in HI!" "Yeah, that was a fluke, she looked like a model, that was a once in a lifetime experience!

After a few minutes, I was dying to hear the story and over the next 4-1/2 hours, with lots of interruptions, pauses and "are you sure you want to hear this?" he told me the whole story.

He said, "About 5 yrs ago, I was sent to another boat that was already in the middle of WESTPAC. The squadron flew me out to HI, where I had an 8 hr layover and then I was to fly out to Guam and meet the boat.

I was sitting in the airport bar nursing a beer, trying to decide what to do with my 8 hrs. I look over at the door and the most gorgeous blonde walks in. She scans the almost full bar and ends up on the bar stool next to mine! I couldn't believe it! I tried to play it cool and not look at her, but after about 10 minutes, I did look at her and she smiled at me! I about fell off my bar stool! Women never look at me, much less smile like that!

We started talking, I told her I had 8 hrs to kill but didn't know where to go. She said she was a flight attendant and lived on O'ahu and she'd be happy to show me around. After we finished our drinks, we left and went to her car in short term parking. She asked me if it was OK to swing by her place so she could change into something more comfortable. I said Sure! She drove about 5 mi to a condo tower and she had a really nice studio apartment. I sat on the couch while she went into the bathroom to change.

When she came out, instead of comfortable street clothes, she was wearing the tiniest see through black negligee! It showed off every curve and voluptuous feature of her athletic, petite body! I was in shock, I'd never seen anyone like her in real life and I couldn't believe we were just a few ft apart in her studio, with a bed right nearby.

She walked over to me and started slowly kissing me, gradually getting more and more passionate as I returned her kisses. She started undressing me and pulled the covers off of the bed and we climbed in. She pushed me back on the bed and she got on top of me, kissing me and working her way down my neck, kissing down my chest, slowly working her way down across my stomach until finally..."

"Then what???" I practically yelled at him! "Oh, you don't want to hear the rest. It's a little too personal and I don't kiss and tell."

"NO! You can't stop there! I'll never meet her! What happened??"

"Well...


then she got way down under the covers...


and...


she started pulling my leg."

"PULLING YOUR LEG?? WTH??"

"Just like I've been pulling yours for the last 4-1/2 hours."
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Old 15-02-2020, 13:54   #8603
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Re: The New Joke Thread

^^^ Winner for the day. ^^^
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Old 15-02-2020, 19:33   #8604
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jon Hacking View Post
.....VB app.....
There's a VB app...??? Where...?????





[Oz content joke....]
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Old 15-02-2020, 19:35   #8605
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Re: The New Joke Thread

VB is the acronym for a popular beer made by Carlton and United Breweries. Long form is Victoria Bitter.

YouTube search VB ads.

"A long days work deserves a long cold beer.....and the best cold beer is Vic..!!


Or substitute your own particular form of goat's piss instead....
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Old 15-02-2020, 21:22   #8606
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Buzzman View Post
VB is the acronym for a popular beer made by Carlton and United Breweries. Long form is Victoria Bitter.

YouTube search VB ads.

"A long days work deserves a long cold beer.....and the best cold beer is Vic..!!


Or substitute your own particular form of goat's piss instead....

Steady on mate, that's verging on truth in advertising. We may have to refer it to Scotty from marketing.
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Old 15-02-2020, 23:24   #8607
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Yeah, calling VB a beer is a bit hard on other beers.
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Old 16-02-2020, 00:30   #8608
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Re: The New Joke Thread

I do understand regional prejudice, but VB's better than XXXX, imo.

And since I'm mentioning this, goat's p----, mule's ditto, or horse's ditto, well there are better beers and bitter beers, and beer battered fish and chips.

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Old 16-02-2020, 00:57   #8609
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Klaatu barada nikto
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Old 16-02-2020, 00:59   #8610
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Re: The New Joke Thread

And today's bonus MEME worth 6.62607004 × 10-34 m2 kg / s
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