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Old 17-02-2020, 11:56   #8626
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Re: The New Joke Thread

If you walk into the forest and chop down a tree, but the tree doesn't understand why you chopped it down,

Do you think it's stumped?
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Old 17-02-2020, 11:58   #8627
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Re: The New Joke Thread

An artist, an architect, and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to have a wife or a mistress.

The architect said that it was better to have a wife, because you could build the relationship on a firm foundation.

The artist said that no, it was better to have a mistress, because the freedom allowed endless variations.

The engineer said that it was best to have both a wife and a mistress, because the wife would think he was with the mistress, the mistress would think he was with the wife, and he could go to the office and get some work done!
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Old 18-02-2020, 14:40   #8628
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A 65 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience.. Seeing God She asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 33 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
Face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.
She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her Teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as Well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While
crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had
Another 33 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the
Ambulance?"
>
>
>.....







God replied:
" I didn't recognize you!!!!!"
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Old 18-02-2020, 14:43   #8629
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Re: The New Joke Thread

The 2012 Australian Poetry Competition held in Sydney Opera House had come down to two finalists;A) The university graduate.
B) An old aboriginal.

They were given a common word, and then allowed two minutes to reflect on the word and recite a short four line poem that contained the word.
The word they were given was ' TIMBUKTU '.
First to recite his poem was the university graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:
Slowly across the desert sand,
Trekked a lonely caravan
Men on camels two by two
Destination - Timbuktu .

The crowd went crazy! No way could the old aboriginal top that, they thought.


The old aboriginal calmly made his way to the microphone and recited;
Me and Tim a huntin' went
Met three whores in a pop up tent
They were three, and we was two
So I bucked one, and Tim..buk tu .

The aboriginal won, pants down!
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Old 19-02-2020, 16:50   #8630
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Two mathematicians are arguing at a restaurant.

"The state of mathematics in this country is terrible", insists the first mathematician. "It's a wonder how the average person even manages to get by in their day-to-day life."

The second mathematician says, "That's hardly true. Mathematics education is actually pretty good nowadays. People must certainly remember the stuff they learned at school. It's not that bad..."

They continue debating for a while until the first mathematician heads to the bathroom for a few minutes.

The second mathematician, determined to prove him wrong, quickly calls a waiter over to their table. He says "When my friend comes back, I'm going to ask you a question. I'd like you to answer with exactly the following words: 'one third x cubed'. Is that alright?"

The waiter agrees and heads off.

A few minutes later, the first mathematician returns to the table and the second mathematician calls the waiter back over to the table.

The second mathematician tells the other, "Your point is completely invalid. Let me show you."

As the waiter walks over, he asks "What's the integral of x^2?"

The waiter pauses for a few seconds, looks back at the mathematician and replies "one third x cubed".

The first mathematician looks stunned and the second is delighted to have won the debate.

As the waiter walks away from the table, he looks back over his shoulder and says "plus a constant of integration."
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Old 20-02-2020, 04:27   #8631
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Laughter is the best medicine,
... except for treating diarrhea.


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Old 20-02-2020, 06:16   #8632
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by GordMay View Post
Laughter is the best medicine,
... except for treating diarrhea.





I think that little square is supposed to be this:


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Old 20-02-2020, 06:20   #8633
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Re: The New Joke Thread

From the "way back" archives:
Q: What’s the difference between a woman and a computer?
A: Computers don’t laugh at 3.5″ floppies.


Like I said; an "oldie".
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Old 20-02-2020, 07:58   #8634
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Re: The New Joke Thread

a few I got today
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Old 20-02-2020, 08:01   #8635
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Re: The New Joke Thread

a couple more
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Old 20-02-2020, 10:00   #8636
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Re: The New Joke Thread

The maitre d’ of a fancy restaurant notices a group of people entering the restaurant. The first person is from Vietnam. The someone from China. Then from Japan, and from Indonesia, from the Philippines, from Cambodia. And the last is from Laos.



The maître d’ says to them – “You know you cannot come in here without a Thai!”
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Old 20-02-2020, 12:38   #8637
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Old 21-02-2020, 15:14   #8638
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Re: The New Joke Thread

From one of my posts on another thread:

Survive? Chocolate doesn't survive aboard a boat. It evaporates. Whether we're in the tropics or in high latitudes with snow on the deck, regardless of boat temperature, chocolate simply evaporates. I once had a one-kilo pack of chocolate hidden in my carry-on when my wife and I returned from Europe. It was meant as a surprise "back aboard" gift. Wife seemed pleased. Overnight and next thing I knew the whole package had evaporated. Just evaporated into thin air! She explained that it was Swiss chocolate which is specifically designed for high altitude, and since we were down at sea level, well.... what can ya' do?

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Old 21-02-2020, 20:13   #8639
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by GILow View Post
There are things that come out of camels that are better than XXXX.

Q. Why do Queenslanders have four X’s on their beer?

A. Because they can’t spell beer.
Why are there no beers with XXX? 🤡
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Old 21-02-2020, 20:16   #8640
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A little marital advice.........

.
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