The Corona Virus is mutating. Recent reports from the CDC confirm that the COVID-19 virus, responsible for more than 3,000 deaths to date, is mutating into strange forms.
This is a first-hand report from Onion user Gabriel Cabrera.
Gabriel Cabrera (quote):
I should of listened earlier.
I was walking home from work
today, about 30 minutes, and saw this women
It was late at night and most women
keep to themselves while walking, but she waved and smiled.
I waved and smiled back then she decided to walk next to me which really shocked me.
We started talking and turned out we liked alot of the same music
and even seen a few of the same shows recently.
I was about ti turn off to my road and she asked If i wasn't busy and If i wanted to hang.
We went to my place, quietly as I am young and live at home still.
We went to my room and she wanted to show me a show she though I would like.
She put it on and after about 20 minutes she slowly started to get closer. My bed
has a dip in the middle so she took full advantage as she slide towards me and said "oh wow, this bed
sure makes it hard to stay in one place". I knew what she was doing and was a bit nervous as she was cute.
Well she eventually cuddles close and ask me "wanna try fooling around".
I paused for a second because how sudden she said it and direct.
I told her how I was a bit nervous but she didn't mind, and so she started getting a bit more agrresive.
Eventually she was on top and starting me down. She leaned in and told me "can I have tree fiddy".
I looked at her and said "what? Tree fiddy?".
Well it was at that time I realized it was no cute girl who wanted to fool around but a giant crustacean from the paleolithic era.
I told it "NOooo monster. I ain't giving you no got dang tree fiddy!!!"
And there you have it Direct, first hand unbiased reporting from The Onion's sources.
Film at eleven.
Back to you, Chet.