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Old 14-02-2020, 10:58   #8581
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A patient was lying in bed, still groggy from the effects of a recent operation. His doctor came in, looking very glum.

I cant be sure whats wrong with you, the doctor said. I think its the drinking.

Okay, the patient said. Can we get an opinion from a doctor whos sober?
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Old 14-02-2020, 10:58   #8582
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Re: The New Joke Thread

What happened to the Herb Farmer when evidence was found that he'd been stealing from his company?

He was convicted on three counts of embasilment.
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Old 14-02-2020, 11:00   #8583
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Last of silly for today!


Did you hear about the mathematician who suffered muscle pain when writing out equations?

He had fibromyalgebra.
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Old 14-02-2020, 13:11   #8584
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Social Networking for Sailors
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Old 14-02-2020, 13:14   #8585
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Mario
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Old 14-02-2020, 16:48   #8586
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by LakeSuperior View Post
A patient was lying in bed, still groggy from the effects of a recent operation. His doctor came in, looking very glum.

I cant be sure whats wrong with you, the doctor said. I think its the drinking.

Okay, the patient said. Can we get an opinion from a doctor whos sober?

"BWHAHAHAHA!!" said the nurse, "Good luck finding one of those!"
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Old 14-02-2020, 17:11   #8587
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Old 14-02-2020, 18:28   #8588
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Regret
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Old 14-02-2020, 21:08   #8589
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Re: The New Joke Thread

#OfficeCulture, Tip #34.

Meetings - getting and keeping people's attention.

In a clear, calm voice, start each sentence with "When I was a sex worker..."
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Old 15-02-2020, 01:52   #8590
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Re: The New Joke Thread

OK, the joke is funny, but actually, that doesn't work as well as I'd hoped.

I once hired (as a temp) an older guy at MSFT to do some testing of a SQL/VB app. It soon became apparent that he was better at SQL & VB than the developer. So I talked to the Dev Manager & they put him through a round of interviews. But he'd once made a database for a 1-900 (ie, pay by the minute) phone-sex company. Turns out that the devs were all Religious Right, so they wouldn't hire him, despite his abilities. Sad.
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Old 15-02-2020, 02:17   #8591
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Funny, that's actually what I got :-)
Love it!

Quote:
Originally Posted by GordMay View Post
If you're sad about being alone on Valentine's Day, just remember ... no-one loves you on any other day, either.


This year, I've got my wife a Valentine's Day present that will really take her breath away.
A treadmill.
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Old 15-02-2020, 05:49   #8592
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by svmariane View Post
#OfficeCulture, Tip #34.

Meetings - getting and keeping people's attention.

In a clear, calm voice, start each sentence with "When I was a sex worker..."

This reminded me of an "Incident" when I was working in IT in the early 2000's. A young British lady was demonstrating a new laptop with one of those eraser nubs in the center of the keyboard instead of a mouse or mouse pad. She started her talk to a room full of mostly guys by saying "I like playing with my CLIT". She went onto explain that it was her "Centrally Located Integrated Tracker" and went on to demonstrate the new features of the laptop. Needless to say she had everyone's attention instantly.
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Old 15-02-2020, 07:10   #8593
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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...She went onto explain that it was her "Centrally Located Integrated Tracker" and went on to demonstrate the new features of the laptop. Needless to say she had everyone's attention instantly.
I love those things. Always called it a pencil eraser though. Never heard that other term. Now I'll have to find a way to work that into a sentence someday.

I have been known to start a conversation by saying that I used to work as a stripper.

It's true. The shipwright I was working with got a gig doing finish work on an old building that was being restored. My job was to strip 150 years of paint off the old doors and window frames. It's actually a funny story, but obviously the first line is the attention-getter.
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Old 15-02-2020, 07:33   #8594
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Re: The New Joke Thread

I thought I won the argument, with my wife, as to how to arrange the dining room furniture.
But, when I got home, the tables were turned.
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Old 15-02-2020, 11:30   #8595
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Re: The New Joke Thread

#OfficeCulture, Tip #76.

Large Gatherings - Giving a speech.

To make your speech memorable, start with a joke and Liberally sprinkle more throughout. Don't be Conservative. Field test your Start Joke by posting it on Cruisers Forum. Should you recieve thumbs up responses, or even PMs of thanks, then you've got a winner. But the Golden Grail is to spark a response stream of similar or related jokes from others. Steal those responses to incorporate into your speech.

(pause for laughter and applause)

No? You don't think that was funny? Well I'm trying to make a funny, okay?
I AM funny. People tell me I'm a walking joke.


(sigh) Okay then... Try this one:


I was having a drink at a bar in Amsterdam when this pretty girl walks up to me and says, "Can I buy you a drink?" I never pass on a drink so I say sure.

We start drinking together and then start talking. We really hit it off. She says she was from another country and here to have a fun time. I tell her that I am as well. After a while, she asks me if I would like to go back to her hotel room. At first, I am a bit defensive because this is a new town and "Prostitute" lights up in my head. So, I reply that I forgot to bring my wallet. She says that's okay so we head back to her hotel room.

We go back to the hotel room and start kissing. It's getting really hot and as I undressed I realized that I had actually forgotten to bring my wallet. That meant I had forgotten to bring a condom. But thankfully, she was wearing one on her penis.
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