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27-04-2015, 19:30
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#1
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Registered User
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: New South Wales, Australia
Boat: Still building
Posts: 1,557
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The New Joke Thread
Apparently, the previous joke thread was getting too long, so it has been closed.
In the interests of humour everywhere, it begins all over again, here:
The acronyms of "Wife" and "Husband":
His view:
Washing
Ironing
F***ing
Etc….
Handy
Useful
Sensible
Brave
Altruistic
Noble
Dashing
Her view:
World-weary
Intelligent
Female
Educator
Hopelessly
Unworthy
Stupid
Bastard;
Abilities
Debatable
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27-04-2015, 21:32
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#2
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Registered User
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Central California
Boat: Catalina 30
Posts: 880
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Re: The New Joke Thread
Where's the "n"?
__________________
Bill
...........................................
You can't buy happiness, but you can buy ribeye.
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27-04-2015, 21:42
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#3
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Registered User
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: New South Wales, Australia
Boat: Still building
Posts: 1,557
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Re: The New Joke Thread
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27-04-2015, 21:44
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#4
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Registered User
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: New South Wales, Australia
Boat: Still building
Posts: 1,557
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Re: The New Joke Thread
OH, alright....
Nebulous
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27-04-2015, 21:57
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#5
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Registered User
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: New South Wales, Australia
Boat: Still building
Posts: 1,557
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Re: The New Joke Thread
Why is walking into a bar like eating furniture..???
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It's hard to avoid passing a stool......
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28-04-2015, 09:38
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#6
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Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 6,619
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Re: The New Joke Thread
I think I'm starting to get the hang of this Political Correctness crap!
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28-04-2015, 16:44
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#7
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Registered User
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: New South Wales, Australia
Boat: Still building
Posts: 1,557
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Re: The New Joke Thread
Yeah, sorry, my bad, I lef the 'N' out by mistake.
Really I only included the 'husband' section so as to refute any PC claims for only including the 'W.I.F.E" acronym, as this is the only one I've always known....
But I'm sure SWL or another of our female bucketeers can come up with additional versions of the former.
The 'original' joke, as told in numerous bars and locker rooms over the years, is:
"What does WIFE stand for...?"
I've never actually heard anyone use the 'what does 'HUSBAND' stand for....
Maybe I dont get out enough....????
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28-04-2015, 17:25
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#8
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Registered User
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On the hard due to wife's medical condition.
Boat: Sold, alas, because life happens.
Posts: 1,829
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Re: The New Joke Thread
A research group on sea mammals captured a rather odd porpoise on one of its trips.
Its peculiarity was that it had feet. After they had photographed and measured the poor thing, they prepared to set it free.
"Wait a minute," said one of the researchers, "Wouldn't it be a kindness if our ship's doctor here were to amputate the feet so that it would be like other porpoises?" "Not on your life," exclaimed the doctor,
"That would be defeeting the porpoise."
__________________
"Being offended is not the same thing as being right." Dave Barry.
Laughter is the salve that keeps reality from scaring.
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
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28-04-2015, 18:14
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#9
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Registered User
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On the hard due to wife's medical condition.
Boat: Sold, alas, because life happens.
Posts: 1,829
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Re: The New Joke Thread
I'm tired. Really tired. For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much partying, but now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked.
The population of this country is 237 million.
104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.
Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me.
And you're sitting there reading jokes.
__________________
"Being offended is not the same thing as being right." Dave Barry.
Laughter is the salve that keeps reality from scaring.
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
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28-04-2015, 18:17
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#10
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Registered User
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On the hard due to wife's medical condition.
Boat: Sold, alas, because life happens.
Posts: 1,829
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Re: The New Joke Thread
Jane walked into a pharmacy, strolled over to the counter, and caught the pharmacist's attention.
"Can I please get some arsenic?" she asked.
"Arsenic? What do you want arsenic for?" asked the pharmacist.
"It's for my husband," she replied.
"Your husband?" exclaimed the pharmacist, "I hope you don't mean what I think you mean!"
She just nodded.
"Well, lady," he replied, "I'm an honest man. I can't sell you arsenic, I wouldn't if I could, and I don't know what made you think you could just stroll into a respectable store and expect me me to sell you arsenic.!"
She didn't say a word. She just reached into her purse, fished out a photograph, and handed it across the counter. It was a picture of her husband, in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
Slowly the pharmacist looks up, over the counter, and then straight at her. "Lady," he said, "why didn't you tell me you had a prescription?"
__________________
"Being offended is not the same thing as being right." Dave Barry.
Laughter is the salve that keeps reality from scaring.
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
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28-04-2015, 18:22
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#11
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Registered User
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Petersburg, AK
Boat: Outremer 50S
Posts: 4,229
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Re: The New Joke Thread
Well, as long as we're posting things that are going to get us in trouble with the better half of this board:
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28-04-2015, 18:28
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#12
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Registered User
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On the hard due to wife's medical condition.
Boat: Sold, alas, because life happens.
Posts: 1,829
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Re: The New Joke Thread
My wife left me a note saying I should try out for "American Idle."
But the joke is on her because she spelled it wr--- hey, wait a minute!
__________________
"Being offended is not the same thing as being right." Dave Barry.
Laughter is the salve that keeps reality from scaring.
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
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28-04-2015, 18:41
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#13
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Registered User
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On the hard due to wife's medical condition.
Boat: Sold, alas, because life happens.
Posts: 1,829
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Re: The New Joke Thread
A guy phones a law office and says, "I want to speak to my lawyer."
The receptionist replies, "I'm sorry but he died last week."
The next day he phones again and asks the same question. The receptionist replies, "I told you yesterday, he died last week."
The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer. By this time the receptionist is getting annoyed and replies, "I keep telling you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?"
The guy responds, "Because I just love hearing it."
__________________
"Being offended is not the same thing as being right." Dave Barry.
Laughter is the salve that keeps reality from scaring.
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
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28-04-2015, 21:06
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#14
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Registered User
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Caribbean
Boat: Beneteau Oceanis 351
Posts: 39
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Re: The New Joke Thread
Two old friends are sitting at a bar having a few beers. One friend looks down the end of the bar and laughs. He nudges his buddy and says, "see those two crusty old drunk bastards? That's us in 20 years!" His friend replies, "that's a mirror, moron."
Sent from my LG-E980 using Cruisers Sailing Forum mobile app
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28-04-2015, 21:17
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#15
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Registered User
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Virginia
Posts: 958
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Re: The New Joke Thread
Quote:
Originally Posted by jongleur
Where's the "n"?
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Buzzman
Women can't spell.....
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Or perhaps "N" represents Neanderthal
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