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Old 03-05-2020, 04:59   #10096
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Re: The New Joke Thread

It is with great sadness I have to mention the loss of a few local businesses as a result of the COVID-19:


* A local bra manufacturer has gone bust.
* A submarine company has gone under.
* A maker of food blenders has gone into liquidation.
* A dog food company has called in the retrievers.
* An origami paper company has folded.
* Interflora is pruning its business.
* Dyno-Rod has gone down the drain, and the saddest one of all...
* Mr Whippy was found dead covered in nuts and raspberry sauce. He'd topped himself.
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Old 03-05-2020, 05:28   #10097
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Lesson plans*, for parents, new to home-schooling.
Don’t touch those crackers to your penis before you eat them, son. (Explain why)
Your sister’s head is not a bongo. (Explain why)
We need to come together, by staying apart. (Explain)
What does “I don’t know” mean?
Why do geckos do push-ups?
Why can’t you play tag, if you promise not to catch each other?
* Topics for instruction & discussion.

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Old 03-05-2020, 05:32   #10098
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Old 03-05-2020, 05:41   #10099
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Old 03-05-2020, 07:16   #10100
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Wotname View Post
I think I might stick with the CF New Joke Thread then .
I don't know why with the Canadians hijacking the thread for political purposes.
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Old 03-05-2020, 07:45   #10101
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Re: The New Joke Thread

This pretty much says it all about kids... and their parents.

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Old 03-05-2020, 09:01   #10102
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Please take this in the spirit offered - just a little something to bring a smile.



Fun social media game: Refer to America as "South Canada" and watch as Americans react.
***

I always think of Canada as the love child of England and France after they had a drunken one night stand and England just left it to grow up with its big brother America who was like the rebel of the family. And Canada wanted to be exactly like America but ended up being the nicer one who makes friends easily.
***


(And from the archives...)


A Canadian is having his breakfast (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when an American man, chewing gum, sits down next to him.

The Canadian ignores the American who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

American: "You Canadian folk eat the whole bread?"

Canadian (in a bad mood): "Of course."

American: (after blowing a huge bubble)"We don't. In America, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to Canada." The American has a smirk on his face.

The Canadian listens in silence.

The American persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??"

Canadian: "Of Course."

American: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling). "We don't. In America we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds,and left overs in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to Canada."

The Canadian then asks: "Do you have sex in America?"

American: "Why of course we do", the American says with a big smirk.

Canadian: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

American: "We throw them away, of course."

Canadian: "We don't. In Canada, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to America."
***


Surrendering as quickly as a Fenchman unexpectedly hearing the load POP of a champagne bottle opened.
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Old 03-05-2020, 09:14   #10103
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by El Pinguino View Post
It is with great sadness I have to mention the loss of a few local businesses as a result of the COVID-19:


* A local bra manufacturer has gone bust.
* A submarine company has gone under.
* A maker of food blenders has gone into liquidation.
* A dog food company has called in the retrievers.
* An origami paper company has folded.
* Interflora is pruning its business.
* Dyno-Rod has gone down the drain, and the saddest one of all...
* Mr Whippy was found dead covered in nuts and raspberry sauce. He'd topped himself.

A nationwide tree trimming company removed its branch offices.
Frigidaire froze its assets.
Operations at Folgers were grounded.
The balloon manufacturer quit due to deflation.
I quit because I’m at a loss for words!
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Old 03-05-2020, 09:51   #10104
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Read any good books lately?
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Old 03-05-2020, 10:12   #10105
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Montanan View Post
Read any good books lately?
My old, tired eyes are going to wait for some kind soul to list those book titles in sequence. Seems the magnifier I have makes the images blurry with expansion.


Hey! That remindes me of a web-forum joke:

Scientists have developed the first telescopic contact lens. The lens is capable of zooming your vision to 3 times. That means that now you’ll be able to see if I asked for your opinion.
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Old 03-05-2020, 10:18   #10106
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tayana42 View Post
A nationwide tree trimming company removed its branch offices.
Frigidaire froze its assets.
Operations at Folgers were grounded.
The balloon manufacturer quit due to deflation.
I quit because I’m at a loss for words!

The yoga studio was stretched beyond its limits.
The composer couldn’t score a record contract.
The purse designer had to bag it.
The optician couldn’t see his way clear.
The roofer couldn’t handle the overhead.
The boatbuilder couldn’t stay afloat.
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Old 03-05-2020, 10:28   #10107
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Old 03-05-2020, 10:39   #10108
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Re: The New Joke Thread

[QUOTE=svmariane;3131267]Please take this in the spirit offered - just a little something to bring a smile.



Fun social media game: Refer to America as "South Canada" and watch as Americans react.

That be South Canada, of North America.
***

I always think of Canada as the love child of England and France after they had a drunken one night stand and England just left it to grow up with its big brother America who was like the rebel of the family. And Canada wanted to be exactly like America but ended up being the nicer one who makes friends easily.
***


(And from the archives...)


A Canadian is having his breakfast (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when an American man, chewing gum, sits down next to him.

The Canadian ignores the American who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

American: "You Canadian folk eat the whole bread?"

Canadian (in a bad mood): "Of course."

American: (after blowing a huge bubble)"We don't. In America, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to Canada." The American has a smirk on his face.

The Canadian listens in silence.

The American persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??"

Canadian: "Of Course."

American: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling). "We don't. In America we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds,and left overs in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to Canada."

The Canadian then asks: "Do you have sex in America?"

American: "Why of course we do", the American says with a big smirk.

Canadian: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

American: "We throw them away, of course."

Canadian: "We don't. In Canada, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to America."

Hey, I resemble that remark!!! Says, I. As I discard my bubble gum.

Looking forward to the day the 49th is reopened for all us non-essential types, so missing the visitations of the 51st Staters.

I am still wondering if the British Columbians are ever going to Brexit themselves. Maybe we should take up calling them Canadian-Columbians. Or perhaps, we just call y'all Canadian-Americans.

Well we can at least agree that we like to use Issi or Isis, & Ippi or Ipi, in the name for places. Kisiskatchewani Sipi for the river up nort, and Mississippi for the river flowing south. Both sharing our First Nations heritage.

***
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Old 03-05-2020, 10:51   #10109
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by svmariane View Post
My old, tired eyes are going to wait for some kind soul to list those book titles in sequence. Seems the magnifier I have makes the images blurry with expansion.


. [/I]

Here you go:

The English Patient
Had
Caught
It
On the Beach

I Should Have Stayed Home
She Said

Now
She Was
In Quarantine
In the Dark
House of Splendid Isolation

Still
Hope Springs Eternal

With a Little Bit of Luck
Common Sense
And
Personal Hygiene
The Corona Book of Horror Stories
Must End Soon

Always Remember
Clean Hands Save Lives
And
When in Doubt
Don't
Go
Out.
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Old 03-05-2020, 11:10   #10110
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tayana42 View Post
The yoga studio was stretched beyond its limits.
The composer couldn’t score a record contract.
The purse designer had to bag it.
The optician couldn’t see his way clear.
The roofer couldn’t handle the overhead.
The boatbuilder couldn’t stay afloat.
The dance studio had to tap out.
The lawnscape company's business ground to a halt.
The watch maker said his business wound down.
The Distillery didn't have the spirit to go on.
The donut company didn't have enough raw dough.
The baker rolled over.
The ministry gave up the ghost.
The phone company signaled it was done.
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