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Old 23-01-2020, 08:56   #8356
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Re: The New Joke Thread

ME: I'll see you in a month

WIFE: Don't forget to write.

ME: Hey Karen, it's highly unlikely I'd forget such a basic skill!
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Old 25-01-2020, 09:53   #8357
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Re: The New Joke Thread

This one is sufficiently tortured for you all!!


Ladder rung distances have been increased by 5% due to the increase of height of the general population.

Experts have put it down to climb it change.
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Old 25-01-2020, 09:54   #8358
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Re: The New Joke Thread

I was driving along and saw a suitcase on the side of the road, so I pulled over to investigate.

When I opened it up I saw a family of badgers.

I immediately pulled my phone out and rang the Animal Rescue number.

"Hi, I've just found a family of badgers in a suitcase."

ďAre they alive?"

"No idea, I'm not a vet."

"Well are they moving?"

"Oh yeah, good point. That explains the suitcase."
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Old 25-01-2020, 10:01   #8359
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by LakeSuperior View Post
This one is sufficiently tortured for you all!!

Ladder rung distances have been increased by 5% due to the increase of height of the general population.

Experts have put it down to climb it change.
I guess we could say that this joke is a step up from some of the previous jokes! I should also point out that your warning about it being tortured certainly rung true!
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Old 25-01-2020, 10:18   #8360
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Two bees were bumbling around when one said he was getting rather hungry. The other bee said he should head over to the Jewish wedding down the street. The first bee said no but the other insisted. "Go. You'll have a great time and there will lots of fresh flowers!" So he buzzed down the street and headed over to the wedding.

Hours later, he returned. "Well, how was it?" said the first bee. The second bee replied "It was great! They were singing and dancing. There was music and fresh flowers at every table. I am stuffed and I had a wonderful time!" "That's great!" said the first bee. "But what's that thing on your head? he asked.

"Oh that. It's a yarmulke. I didn't want them to think I was a wasp!"
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Old 25-01-2020, 15:45   #8361
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Re: The New Joke Thread

here's one for all the pilots out there

A Lufthansa jet was taxing at at frankfurt airport, and the pilot called up the control tower...in german

The control tower came back..."sorry LH1234...you must speak in english"

The enraged pilot came back " I am a german pilot flying a german aircraft at a german airport...why must i speak english ?!"

A very pucker british voice answered (probably from the BA plane next door) "...Because you lost the war..."

(you need to do this last line in the right tone )

and before any of our german friends get upset...we have german grandchildren so we are allowed this joke, ok !

cheers,
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Old 26-01-2020, 04:33   #8362
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Re: The New Joke Thread

I got an email from Google that said "At Google Earth, we can even read maps backwards". And so I thought... Thatís just spam.
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Old 26-01-2020, 06:00   #8363
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by chrisr View Post
here's one for all the pilots out there

A Lufthansa jet was taxing at at frankfurt airport, and the pilot called up the control tower...in german

The control tower came back..."sorry LH1234...you must speak in english"

The enraged pilot came back " I am a german pilot flying a german aircraft at a german airport...why must i speak english ?!"

A very pucker british voice answered (probably from the BA plane next door) "...Because you lost the war..."

(you need to do this last line in the right tone )

and before any of our german friends get upset...we have german grandchildren so we are allowed this joke, ok !

cheers,

This actually happened in 1964. It was the same day the BA pilot annoyed the tower by asking for detailed taxi instructions, and the tower finally said, "Speedbird 1, have you never been to Frankfurt before?"


He said, "Yes, I have, but that was 20 years ago, and I didn't land."
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Old 26-01-2020, 07:27   #8364
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Re: The New Joke Thread

I've probably told it before, but what the heck - from my flight training days ...




Deep voice on radio: Ottawa tower, this is Air Canada flight 123, request clearance to land.


Reply: AC 123, you are number two behind a Cessna 150, please slow to 60 knots and await further instructions.


Deep voice: Ottawa, do you have any idea what the stall speed of this aircraft is?


Reply: No I don't, but if you ask your co-pilot I'm sure he can tell you.
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Old 26-01-2020, 08:05   #8365
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by socaldmax View Post
Hint: Straight guys notice the girl, not the socks...
A few of us arenít so sure itís female.
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Old 26-01-2020, 08:57   #8366
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Corona beer memes are literally everywhere.

You could say, they went viral.
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Old 26-01-2020, 08:59   #8367
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Re: The New Joke Thread

What goes well with the Corona Virus?

Lyme Disease.
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Old 26-01-2020, 12:49   #8368
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by bill352 View Post
This actually happened in 1964. It was the same day the BA pilot annoyed the tower by asking for detailed taxi instructions, and the tower finally said, "Speedbird 1, have you never been to Frankfurt before?"

He said, "Yes, I have, but that was 20 years ago, and I didn't land."
This actually happened as well years ago....

Lufthansa pilot told ground control they had to go back to the gate.

Ground controller asked why.

LH pilot said we are missing a passenger.

pause

Unknown pilot......Did you check zee ovens?
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Old 26-01-2020, 12:52   #8369
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Re: The New Joke Thread

How do you treat swine flu?......

Oinkment.
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Old 26-01-2020, 12:53   #8370
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Re: The New Joke Thread

How do you treat Avian Flu?.....

Tweetment.
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