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Old 25-04-2020, 19:04   #9856
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Re: The New Joke Thread

I wonder if he is still ronery now that he is in post ops?
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Old 25-04-2020, 19:52   #9857
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Dang it, I can't figure out how to post a pic.
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Old 25-04-2020, 20:01   #9858
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by goguygo View Post
Dang it, I can't figure out how to post a pic.
Save the picture to a file then on the Reply to Thread at the top bar there is a symbol that looks like a paperclick. Click on the paperclip. A separate pop-up window will open. Near the top of that pop-up window click on Chose File. Locate your file on your computer and Open the file. Repeat for more than one picture that you wish to add.

Then after you have completed Choosing the Files you need to click on the Upload button in the top box of the Pop-up window. Wait for the file to finish uploading. The pop-up window will indicate the files that have been upload.

Then you can go to the Preview Post button below the Post Icons box of the Reply to Thread window to view your posting and the pictures that will be attached. You can edit your Preview and when you are done just click on the Submit Reply button.
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Old 25-04-2020, 20:13   #9859
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Bernie (1).jpg
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Old 25-04-2020, 20:40   #9860
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by fxykty View Post
WOW! What are those used for and what kind of tool (vehicle? robot? magic?) is used to do them up?


Plywood and fiberglass
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Old 25-04-2020, 21:10   #9861
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by LakeSuperior View Post
This is so wrong...


How does a penguin build it’s house?

Igloos it together.
Ohh sooooo wrong, they are polls apart
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Old 25-04-2020, 21:17   #9862
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Ohh sooooo wrong, they are polls apart

At least they got to vote on it.
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Old 26-04-2020, 04:32   #9863
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Ohh sooooo wrong, they are polls apart
I didn't think polish jokes were allowed!
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Old 26-04-2020, 04:33   #9864
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Shamelessly stolen from elsewhere....

Just be careful because people are going crazy from being in lock down! Actually I’ve just been talking about this with the microwave and toaster while drinking tea and we all agreed that things are getting bad. I didn’t mention anything to the washing machine as she puts a different spin on everything. Certainly not to the fridge as he is acting cold and distant. In the end the iron straightened me out as she said everything will be fine, no situation is too pressing. The vacuum was very unsympathetic...told me to just suck it up, but the fan was more optimistic and hoped it would soon blow over. The toilet looked a bit flushed when I asked it’s opinion and didn’t say anything but the door knob told me to get a grip. The front door said I was unhinged and so the curtain told me to...yes, you guessed it....pull myself together. The light bulb told me to lighten up, the garbage can reminded me of the nice times and that it is not all going to waste and the fireplace shared some warm words. After all this talk it was nice to hear from the table that we’re all set.
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Old 26-04-2020, 05:08   #9865
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Re: The New Joke Thread

speak softly around the blender and food processer they both like to mix it up .
The candy bowl said 2 many things going to waist.
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Old 26-04-2020, 05:55   #9866
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Oldie, but goodie!


Dear Sir;

I am writing in response to your request for additional information. In block number 3 of the accident reporting form, I put, “Poor Planning” as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter than I should explain more fully, and I trust that the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six story building. When I completed my work, I discovered that I had about 500 lbs of brick left over. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which fortunately, was attached to the side of the building, at the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the brick into it. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 500 lbs of bricks. You will note in block number eleven of the accident reporting from that I weigh 135 lbs.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming. This explains the fractured skull and broken collarbone.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.

Fortunately by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of my pain.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground . . . . and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel now weighed approximately fifty pounds.

I refer again to my weight in block number eleven. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles and the lacerations of my legs and lower body.

The encounter with the barrel slowed me up enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of bricks and, fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the brick, in pain, unable to stand, and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my presence of mind. . . . . . I LET GO OF THE ROPE. . . . . . . .
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Old 26-04-2020, 05:56   #9867
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Dam Bureaucrats!

CERTIFIED MAIL

Mr. Ryan DeVries
2088 Dagget
Pierson. MI 49339

SUBJECT: deq File No. 97‑59‑0023‑1 T11N, R10W, Sec. 20, Montcalm
County

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity: Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond. A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity.
A review of the Department's files show that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301,. Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially, failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all unauthorized activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free‑flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the strewn channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 1998.
Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow‑up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request, or any further unauthorized activity on the site, may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action. We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter.
Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.
Sincerely,
David L. Price
District Representative Land and Water Management Division

‑‑‑‑Reply Letter‑‑‑‑
Dear Mr. Price:
Re: DEQ File No. 97‑59‑0023; T11N, R10W, Sec 20; Montcalm County

Your certified letter dated 12/17/97 has been handed to me to respond to. You sent out a great deal of carbon copies to a lot of people, but you neglected to include their addresses. You will, therefore, have to send them a copy of my response.
First of all, Mr. Ryan DeVries is not the legal landowner and/or contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan ‑ I am the legal owner and a couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, nor authorize their dam project, I think they would be highly offended you call their skillful use of natural building materials "debris."
I would like to challenge you to attempt to emulate their dam project any dam time and/or any dam place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no dam way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.
As to your dam request the beavers first must fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity, my first dam question to you is: are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers or do you require all dam beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request? If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, please send me completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws annotated.
My first concern is ‑ aren't the dam beavers entitled to dam legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said dam representation ‑ so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event causing dam flooding is proof we should leave the dam Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names. If you want the dam stream "restored" to a dam free‑flow condition ‑ contact the dam beavers ‑ but if you are going to arrest them (they obviously did not pay any dam attention to your dam letter‑being unable to read English) ‑ be sure you read them their dam Miranda rights first.
As for me, I am not going to cause more dam flooding or dam debris jams
by
interfering with these dam builders. If you want to hurt these dam beavers ‑ be aware I am sending a copy of your dam letter and this response to PETA.
If your dam Department seriously finds all dams of this nature inherently hazardous and truly will not permit their existence in this dam State ‑ I seriously hope you are not selectively enforcing this dam policy ‑ or once again both I and the Spring Pond Beavers will scream prejudice!
In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their dam unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam right than I to live and enjoy Spring Pond. So, as far as I and the beavers are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more dam elevated enforcement action now. Why wait until 1/31/98? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then, and there will be no dam way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.
In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention a real environmental quality (health) problem; bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the dam beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!) Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.
Sincerely,
Stephen L.Tvedten,
xc: PETA
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Old 26-04-2020, 06:01   #9868
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Katie Couric, Charlie Gibson, Brian Williams and a tough old U.S.
Marine Sergeant were captured by terrorists in Iraq . The leader of the
terrorists told them he'd grant each of them one last request before
they were beheaded and dragged naked through the streets.

Katie Couric said, 'Well, I'm a Southerner, so I'd like one last plate
of fried chicken. The leader nodded to an underling who left and
returned with the chicken. Couric ate it all and said, 'Now I can die
content.'

Charlie Gibson said, 'I'm living in New York , so I'd like to hear
the song 'The Moon and Me? one last time.' The terrorist's leader
nodded to another terrorist who had studied the Western world and knew
the music. He returned with some rag-tag musicians and played the song.
Gibson was satisfied.

Brian Williams said, 'I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my
tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen.
Maybe, someday, someone will hear it and know that I was on the job
till the end.' The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape
recorder and Williams dictated his comments. He then said, 'Now I can
die happy.'

The leader turned and said, 'And now, Mr. US Marine, what is your final
wish?'

'Kick me in the _ss,' said the Marine.

'What?' ask
ed the leader, 'Will you mock us in your last hour?'

'No, I'm NOT kidding. I want you to kick me in the _ss,' insisted the
Marine.

So the leader shoved him into the yard and kicked him in the ass. The
Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol
from inside his cammies and shot the leader dead. He then emptied his
sidearm on six terrorists, used his knife to slash the throat of
another terrorist armed with an AK-47, which he took, and sprayed the
rest of the terrorists killing another 11!

In a flash, all of them were either dead or fleeing for their lives.

As the Marine was untying Couric, Gibson and Williams, they asked him,
'Why didn't you just shoot them all in the first place? Why did you ask
him to kick you in the _ss?'

'What!?!' replied the Marine, 'and have you three idiots report that I
was the aggressor?'
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Old 26-04-2020, 06:47   #9869
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Humm! Those are bigger then the ones on the Seattle Space Neddle.

I see they are a National Fine thread too.
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Old 26-04-2020, 06:58   #9870
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Me: I only got the bear essentials.

Wife: You mean bare essentials.

Me: 'removes live salmon from mouth,' I said what I said.
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