The New Joke Thread

[svmariane]

Originally Posted by StuM

> Hitting 16 against 17 is like getting married.

Shouldn't that be "against 7" ?


By the time you see the dealer's second card, it's all over.

Stu, Stu, Stu..... C'mon, man - lighten up. Okay - technically you're correct. And we really don't want people quoting inaccurate jokes, now do we? But you've read my offerings over the years and should know by now that I just throw stuff at the wall to see what sticks! Not like I'm trying to make a living at this - right? So yeah, you're correct. My bad. I'll try to better my editing.
James



But otherwise... Some funny stuff in that post, no?

[jeanathon]

Being boat owners we all know about Murphys law, but do you know about Coles law? ........ It's finely chopped cabbage.

[StuM]

Originally Posted by delmarrey

I was at a restaurant and said to the waitress

”Excuse me, can I ask you something about the menu please?”

She slapped me and said “The men I please are none of your business!”

I thought I'd seen that one before:


http://www.cruisersforum.com/forums/...ml#post2825766

[delmarrey]

Originally Posted by StuM

I thought I'd seen that one before:


http://www.cruisersforum.com/forums/...ml#post2825766

The nice thing about getting old is ones memory. You can watch old movies for the first time, again.

But some old jokes are just too old!

[Pelagic]

I really had to read this twice [emoji33]


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[svmariane]

Originally Posted by delmarrey

The nice thing about getting old is ones memory. You can watch old movies for the first time, again.

But some old jokes are just too old!

Let's test that theory....

They found his lordship lying face down in the library; his head apparently bashed in by a volume of "The Collected Works of William Shakespeare" bound in Moroccan leather. Sherlock Holmes , the famous detective, called all of the staff into the morning room.

“Which one of you is Ruth? He asked.

The butler said “We don’t have anyone here called Ruth.”

“Just as I thought,” said the wily sleuth. “It’s a ruthless crime.”




What the heck... one more:

A harpist with the symphony died and arrived at St. Peter’s check-in desk. The guardian of the gates said “We’re behind in our registrations. Why don’t you pop across the hall to the disco, have a couple of pina coladas, and come back at three o’clock? The place is run by a pal of mine, Sam Plank, tell him I sent you.” So, off she went with her harp and returned at three o’clock. St. Peter asked “Where’s your instrument?” “Oh dang,” she said “I left my harp in Sam Plank’s disco.”



Credits:

Detective Holmes joke = Unknown. (Just too darn old to properly accredit.)

The Harpist joke = Spike Milligan, 1951, “The Goon Show” on BBC Radio.



Proffered theory test: © svmariane, 2019

[svmariane]

Something to read over your morning coffee...

Every Joke Falls in One of 11 Categories, Says Founding Editor of The Onion

https://bigthink.com/stephen-johnson...r-of-the-onion



But really, what the heck does he know - I mean, c'mon, he probably never even READ anything here in the joke thread on CF! Am I right? Am I right? Somebody give me an amen!

[Pelagic]

Ah!.... Men!......(always thought that was my mother praying to the gods of masculinity)

[fxykty]

Originally Posted by StuM

I bought some whisky stones once. Found them absolutely useless. Their thermal conductivity and thermal capacity (specific heat?) were both too low and they did very little to cool the scotch. (It's the heat required to melt the ice that does almost all of the cooling, not the heat required to change its temperature. You don't get any of that with stones).

Hmmm, that must be why the plastic frozen shapes do a better job keeping our drinks cold. And undiluted. The whiskey stones look cool though.

[delmarrey]

A truck driver went shopping at the grocery with his 5yo son.

As they passed an isle the boy said “Hey Daddy, look at that fat lady she’s as big as a truck”. The father said “Shush, that’s not polite”.

So, they continue on threw the store and the boy seen the fat lady again up another isle and said “Hey Daddy, look there’s that lady that’s as big as a truck”. Again the father said “Shush”

As the boy and his father were checking out they happen to get right behind the fat lady. The boy keep patting his Dad. When the lady’s beeper went off.

The boy grabbed his Dad and said “LOOK OUT SHE’s BACKING UP”!

[john61ct]

beeper

heh heh, that's funny

[chrisr]

one that anybody who has ever cooked at sea (on a mono) will appreciate !




cheers,

[fxykty]

Originally Posted by chrisr

one that anybody who has ever cooked at sea (on a mono) will appreciate !





Attachment 205298



cheers,

Reminds of one of the funniest of the early LV videos, when she’s attempting to make sandwiches with the boat rolling side to side. Riley coming through at the end made the skit. It was also the first time I realised that they acted in their videos. Naive, was I.

[svmariane]

Are you flying home for the holidays? And bringing your young child along?

Here's a way to save money on the airline tickets:

Register your child as an emotional support animal. (Because those fly for free.)

Your welcome.

[svmariane]

Maybe I already posted this, but what the heck.
Emotional Support Animals. How about a camlel?

Warning: Adult language.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bz8bqJaKeKk