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Old 18-12-2019, 19:28   #7771
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Red face Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by svmariane View Post
Are you flying home for the holidays? And bringing your young child along?

Here's a way to save money on the airline tickets:

Register your child as an emotional support animal. (Because those fly for free.)

Your welcome.
nice idea...although in my (considerable) experience, children are the exact OPPOSITE of "emotional support"

cheers,
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Old 18-12-2019, 19:52   #7772
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Re: The New Joke Thread

We have just completed a 750 mile road trip in our 79 Fiat Spider. Went from Sydney on the Aust East Coast, to Hervey Bay in QLD. The Spider is a lovely red toy, lowered, 2 litre and all the goodies which I have rebuilt over the years and it just purrs along.

The trip has in 90 degree temps and a lot of bushfire smoke and we drive with the top down. Has been a great road-trip.

Yesterday, driving through the city of Toowoomba, we got behind a large two deck cattle truck.
My wife Beth was brought up on a dairy farm and told me not to get too close to the thing , so I went around.
Next thing we know, it pulls up alongside us at traffic lights.
One of the cows must have had its arse wedged up against the bars, just waiting for an opportunity like this and we got shat upon from a great height!
Still cleaning up the brown blotches!!
In Australia , parking police are commonly called "Brown Bombers" but this was a Brown Bomber with a difference!

Everyone here reckons we should buy a lottery ticket.


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Richard.
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Old 18-12-2019, 20:43   #7773
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Pardon my asking, but...

Why do women think that giving their husband the silent treatment is a punishment?
***

Why is it when a couple go to a restaurant and the women says she's not really hungry she then ends up eating more than half of what's on his plate?
***


You think you have a smart phone? Nah, those things available now aren't really "smart phones". See, a REAL smart phone would jump in before you make stupid decisions and guide you through. You know, like:

SIRI, give me a good joke for a pick-up line.

Okay.... You have a beer-belly, a bald patch, your dentures are slipping, and the 17 dollars in your wallet matches her age. She's going to laugh at that.


SIRI, Call my ex.

Heck no! We ain't calling your ex at 2:30 in the morrning! I'm gonna call a taxi and we're going home!


SIRI, hit snooze button.

Listen, if you don't get your lazy butt out of bed you'll be late for work again, get fired, and won't be able to make my monthly support payment! GET UP!
{Plays bugle call Reveille. At max volumn.}


SIRI, activate house alarm.

Oh, no you don't. Drop those car keys! You just spent the whole afternoon sitting on the couch and drinking whiskey shooters with beer while watching ball games. You're drunk. Sit down, and I'll order pizza.




Smart phones... Like a wife but better 'cause SIRI won't get upset if you flirt with another woman - unless it's that bitch Alexa.
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Old 18-12-2019, 23:44   #7774
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Re: The New Joke Thread

My wife sometimes runs a tad late. But as Confucius said:

A man spends half his life waiting for “Ms. Right” to come along, and the rest of his life waiting on Mrs. Right to get ready to “come along”.
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Old 19-12-2019, 00:27   #7775
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by svmariane View Post
Pardon my asking, but...

Why do women think that giving their husband the silent treatment is a punishment?
***
I’ve been saying this for years. The only time to get peace sometimes is to bring it all on at once.

It’s easier to get forgiveness then it is to get permission.

Remember, all a man is, is a commodity.

(* I’m not endorsing violence or insults)
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Old 19-12-2019, 01:20   #7776
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Confucius says:

Man who goes through airport security gate sideways is going to ...


Bangkok
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Old 19-12-2019, 03:40   #7777
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Old 19-12-2019, 09:41   #7778
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Old 19-12-2019, 13:19   #7779
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Old 19-12-2019, 15:45   #7780
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Old 19-12-2019, 15:53   #7781
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Old 19-12-2019, 15:58   #7782
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Lucky? This guy lived and doing just fine....


.
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Old 19-12-2019, 16:38   #7783
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Lucky? This guy lived and doing just fine....


.
It's all relative.

There are a lot of people even luckier who didn't get that shoved through their brains. Or craniums, as the case may be. In that poor guy's case, it could have been worse, it could have been better.
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Old 19-12-2019, 16:44   #7784
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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It's all relative.
Yes!.... Much better that it happens to a relative, rather than yourself.
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Old 19-12-2019, 18:15   #7785
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A few I got today
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