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Old 16-12-2019, 09:17   #7741
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Re: The New Joke Thread

a few I got today.........
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Old 16-12-2019, 09:18   #7742
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Re: The New Joke Thread

and the best one IMHO
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Old 16-12-2019, 14:00   #7743
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Old 16-12-2019, 14:33   #7744
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pelagic View Post
I got a note from my doctor telling me its ok to put ice in my whiskey in the tropics.
Okay. Fair dinkum.

That reminds me.... When we were living in up-country Thailand there was this one particular bar that we favored. When I was out of town the girls would watch over my wife and, at the end of the eve, they'd make sure that a reliable tuk-tuk driver had the task of getting her safely home. (The story is expanded in another thread.)

But what I want to say is that I remember this sign posted in the men's room, pointing out that:

The girls who pick your cigarette butts from this pissoir
are the same girls who put ice in your drink
s.

Just saying....
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Old 16-12-2019, 14:39   #7745
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Old 16-12-2019, 15:05   #7746
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Oh, and about Thailand... Don't get too drunk.
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Old 16-12-2019, 15:53   #7747
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by svmariane View Post
Quick search found this BBC - Travel - Why you should never drink whisky on the rocks





Not only is it from the BBC, it's on the internet so it must be true.... right?

Isn’t that what whiskey stones are for? We keep a bunch in the freezer and put them into most of our non-mix drinks to avoid watering them down.
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Old 16-12-2019, 16:01   #7748
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Gord,....you never fail to amaze me....

Best Wishes for the Festive Season —and "A*guid New Year*tae ane an' a' and mony may ye see”—"Long may yer lum reek”!!
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Old 17-12-2019, 07:07   #7749
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Re: The New Joke Thread

What does a gynecologist and pizza delivery guy have in common?



They can smell it, but they can't eat it.
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Old 17-12-2019, 08:24   #7750
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by fxykty View Post
Isn’t that what whiskey stones are for? We keep a bunch in the freezer and put them into most of our non-mix drinks to avoid watering them down.

I bought some whisky stones once. Found them absolutely useless. Their thermal conductivity and thermal capacity (specific heat?) were both too low and they did very little to cool the scotch. (It's the heat required to melt the ice that does almost all of the cooling, not the heat required to change its temperature. You don't get any of that with stones).
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Old 17-12-2019, 13:46   #7751
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Its all about personal taste.
I'm very specific about the size of the two cubes of ice to the scotch I'm drinking and whether I'm accompanying it with a bite.(like smoked oysters and cheese)

The scotch is kept in the freezer
The ice does not melt with the first few sips, so I get the full bodied experience as the peaty scotch warms in the mouth and I start to hear the pipes.

Then as I snack, it dilutes slightly with the melted ice to help wash down the food.

Purists will criticise my method, but that's how I like it!

I also use the term Scotch as whiskey means all kinds of foul things in North America.

I grew up in Scotland roaming the peat moors as a kid, so those smells and memories in a bottle are quite special to me.
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Old 17-12-2019, 14:54   #7752
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Okay... We're at the medical clinc and it'll be awhile before my wife is ready to go.
So you guys get stuck with my ramblings.

{Does not contain references to Scotch. Or the Parrot Sketch.}




I thought it was okay if I had sex with other women because my girlfriend and I were on a break.

Apparently I ruined our weekend in Las Vegas.
***

Anway, this may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas , but there are more Catholic churches than casinos. Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.

Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to deal with the offerings. The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.

This is done by the chip monks.
***

I was out playing golf and I couldn't even get par in a single hole, until I found this magical frog! It was sparkly, and when I picked it up, I felt a warm spike through my spine. All of a sudden, I got a hole-in-one! The same happened on the rest of the holes. It was a lucky frog. Then it spoke to me, and said, "Go gamble!" Luckily, I was right here in Las Vegas, so I went to Big Al's Casino. I won so much money that I had no idea what to do with it. The frog then told me to get a hotel room (I did) and then kiss her. When we kissed, all of a sudden, she became a fifteen year-old girl! And that, your honor, is why she was in my room.
***

A guy walks into a bar and notices three men and a dog playing poker. The dog is playing beautifully. “That’s a smart dog,” the man says. “Not really,” says one of the players. “Every time he gets a good hand, he wags his tail.”
***

You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel.

The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation. By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.

But latter that day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane... Only this time there were two people in the plane. The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"
***

Going to Vegas is a lot like dating a stripper. At first it's amazing! She's so hot and fun, and you feel so alive when you're with her.

As time roles on, you start to realize she's a little bit crazy. She's always dragging you around to clubs and shows, and everywhere you go she's trying to get you drunk. Eventually, you start to suspect that she has a coke problem because you've never seen her sleep and money keeps disappearing from your wallet.

By the time you're done, your glad to be rid of her if only because you won't have to listen to that shitty pop music she's always playing.

You don't regret the time you spent with her. It was a lot of fun while it lasted, and years from now you'll still recall with a smile that crazy week you spent together.
***


Bits and bobs of convo overheard at a bar in Las Vegas.


“I gambled away my car. The people at Hertz are gonna be furious.”
***

"Hitting 16 against 17 is like getting married.
Nobody wants to do it but it is the right thing to do."
***

“I wanted to get married at the drive-through wedding chapel.
That way if I wanted a divorce, I could just back up.”
***

"I drove to Vegas in a $150,000 Porsche.
I'll be leaving in an $800,000 bus."
***

Sin City is the nickname given to Las Vegas because of all of its shenanigans, right?

But do you know about Den City?

It's the degree of compactness of a substance.
***

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Old 17-12-2019, 15:18   #7753
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Regardles of the above, this does contain a reference to The Parrot Sketch
(for the uninitiated to Monty Python).
.
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Old 17-12-2019, 16:36   #7754
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Re: The New Joke Thread

> Hitting 16 against 17 is like getting married.

Shouldn't that be "against 7" ?


By the time you see the dealer's second card, it's all over.
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Old 17-12-2019, 17:29   #7755
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Re: The New Joke Thread

I was at a restaurant and said to the waitress

”Excuse me, can I ask you something about the menu please?”

She slapped me and said “The men I please are none of your business!”
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