The New Joke Thread

[socaldmax]

Meh.

Memes would have been funnier.



















J/K! LOL

[StuM]

Since we've had yet another discussion on using the correct units when talking about electrickery (including Joules being thrown into the mix), I just had to posts today's XKCD!

[Jim Cate]

^^^^

Oh, WELL done, Stu!

Jim

[GILow]

Now the StuM and Jim have outed themselves as tragic physics nerds, does anyone else want to join them?

[LakeSuperior]

Q: Why does a burger have less energy than a steak?

A: Because it's in its ground state.

[LakeSuperior]

Have you heard that entropy isn't what it used to be?

[svmariane]

Been practicing some new jokes because I started doing stand up comedy.
I stand up on my balcony and run through the routine out loud.
Over and over again, working on my timing.
The squirrels don't seem to mind.

But the neighbors keep threatening to call the cops.
****

Seriously, I can't believe this weather we've been having lately.
Probably because I'm an atheist and we have trouble with believing.

That's not bad as a friend of ours - he's agnostic.
He doesn't know whether or not to believe the weather or not.
****

Been having trouble sleeping at night lately.
Lots of worries, lots of stress.
Thinking about going on holiday this July.
Probably Northern Norway.
Seven days... One night.
****

Watching this historical thingy on youtube about California.
How maybe 170 years ago there weren't many people in the area.
Then this one guy found this one piece of gold.
Then lots of other guys came out looking for gold.
Then lots of women came out - the kind of women
who follow men who follow money.

So first the gold diggers came out, then the gold diggers came out.
****

Political correctness has gone too far.
You can't even order a Black Russian in the bar.
You have to order a "Former Soviet Republic of African Descent".
****

Back in the day I was on a cross-country road trip.
Was heading through southern Utah.
Come nightfall I stopped at this little hotel.
Nothing fancy.

Just a Mom and Pop and Mom and Mom and Mom place.

That's why they call the religon Mormoms. True.
****

With this covid thingy there's lots of Chinese conspiracy theories popping up or being exposed. Like global warming. Think about it! Summers get hotter then what do you do? Buy an air conditioner, right? And who makes all those air conditioners? China! Duh.

But before that it was gluton. Don't eat too much wheat because it'll cause health problems. Eat more rice - it's better for you.

And the world's biggest producer of rice? China. Duh.
****

Twenty percent of the world's population is Chinese. So look to your left, look to your right, look in front of you, look behind - and if none of those four people are Chinese then you should probably be working at a Chinese restaurant.
****

They say that 2 out of 3 people are morbidly obese.
So look to your left, then look to your right

And if it's the same person then run. Get out of the feeding zone.
****

So I'm staying inside due to this covid thingy. Got my head stuck in front of a stupid rectangle with an endless parade of changing characters as it slowly turns my brain into mush.

Stupid books.

Can books talk to you and show you moving pictures? Of course not.
Save a tree - watch TV.
****

Somebody asked "If your house was on fire and you could only remove one thing, what would it be? Now there are no right or wrong answers to that question so just be honest."

I thought about it for a minute - then said
"Well. I'd probably remove the fire."
****


One final thought. Immigration is a problem, some American politicians say. Well right there in Washington DC they have two Panda bears. Immigrants! Taking jobs away from American animals at the American National Zoo!

And oh, yeah... Recently those Pandas have begun having sex. Ten years they've been there without having sex but now all of a sudden it's sex, sex, sex. Day and night. They probably heard about the new crackdown on immigration and are trying for an anchor baby.

And where do Panda bears come from? That's right: China. Duh.
****



Let's see: Religion, race, misogyny, PC complaint, fat-shaming, ageism -
guess that'll do for now. I'm out o'here.

[Jim Cate]

Watching this historical thingy on youtube about California.
How maybe 170 years ago there weren't many people in the area.
Then this one guy found this one piece of gold.
Then lots of other guys came out looking for gold.
Then lots of women came out - the kind of women
who follow men who follow money.

So first the gold diggers came out, then the gold diggers came out.

this reminds me of a bit of doggerel that was popular when I was an undergrad at Stanford:

Oh, the miners came in forty-nine
And the whores in fifty-one,
And when they got together
They begat the native son.

IIRC it was supposed to denigrate the folks at Cal, but I can't remember why!

Jim

[chrisr]

Originally Posted by GILow

Now the StuM and Jim have outed themselves as tragic physics nerds, does anyone else want to join them?

if we are telling physics jokes then ;

Two theoretical physicists are lost at the top of a mountain. Theoretical physicist No 1 pulls out a map and peruses it for a while. Then he turns to theoretical physicist No 2 and says: "Hey, I've figured it out. I know where we are."
"Where are we then?"
"Do you see that mountain over there?"
"Yes."
"Well… THAT'S where we are."

(you had to be somewhere else to appreciate it)

cheers,

[chrisr]

but wait, there's more ;

1) What is the name of the first electricity detective?

Answer: Sherlock Ohms


2) A neutron walked into a bar and asked, “How much for a drink?” The bartender replied, “For you, no charge.”



3) Where does bad light end up?

Answer: In a prism.


4) A Higgs Boson walks into a Church. The priest says, “We don’t allow Higgs Bosons in here. The particle responds by saying: “But without me, how can you have Mass?”



5) How many theoretical physicists specializing in general relativity does it take to change a light bulb?

Answer: Two. One to hold the bulb and one to rotate the universe.


6) Why can’t you trust an atom?

Answer: They make up everything.


7) What do you get when you mix sulfur, tungsten, and silver?

Answer: SWAG


8) A photon checks into a hotel. The bellhop asks, “Can I help you with your luggage?” The photon replies, “I don’t have any. I’m traveling light!”



9) An electron and a positron go into a bar.

Positron: “You’re round.”
Electron: “Are you sure?”
Positron: “I’m positive.”


10) Why did Erwin Schrödinger, Paul Dirac and Wolfgang Pauli work in very small garages?

Answer: Because they were quantum mechanics.


11) What is a physicist’s favourite food?

Answer: Fission chips


12) What did one uranium-238 nucleus say to the other?

Answer: “Gotta split!”

sorry about that...

cheers,

[socaldmax]

No.

We are NOT telling physics jokes.

[GILow]

Originally Posted by socaldmax

No.

We are NOT telling physics jokes.

Telling them...? Yes.

Understanding them...? Not so much.

[Buzzman]

Originally Posted by svmariane

And the world's biggest producer of rice? China. Duh.

And where do Panda bears come from? That's right: China. Duh.
****

China may produce the most in terms of volume, but they only get 6000kg/hectare.

In Oz, although we only produce a measly 274,000 tonnes to China's 211,000,000 tonnes, we are gettibg 10,000kg/hectare.

There's smart, and there's smarter....

Oh. And we have koala bears. Stick your bamboo-eating monochromes where the sun don't shine..!!

Surprised Scotty from Marketing hasn't pointed this out to the CCP yet....


https://www.atlasbig.com/en-au/count...ice-production

[Buzzman]

Originally Posted by GILow

Telling them...? Yes.

Understanding them...? Not so much.

^^^^^^^
What he said...!

[GILow]

Originally Posted by Buzzman

In Oz, although we only produce a measly 274,000 tonnes to China's 211,000,000 tonnes, we are gettibg 10,000kg/hectare.

Of course, the Darling River doesn’t actually FLOW any more, but yes, we get lots of rice to the acre. [emoji853]