When did the world get so sensitive?
I remember (seems like yesterday) when I was in the Navy
and one of my subordinates would come to me whining about something (especially in front of one of the other LPOs) the standard answer could be any of the following:
1. Does it look like I give a sh1t?
2. They don't pay me enough to give a sh1t.
3. Did you bring your mother in your seabag? If so, bring her over here, I want a crack at her, we've been out to sea for too long!
4. Do I remind you of your mother? I sure effing hope not!
5. They don't pay me enough to be your mother.
6. Now I see why your mother paid the recruiter a huge bonus to take you.
7. Why are you here? Is your recruiter STILL pissed off about his wife??
8. There are 2 kinds of problems in this world. Universal and personal. Guess which one this is? Now keep it that way.
9. In an effort to respect your privacy, I'm going to let you deal with this personal problem yourself.
10. There are 2 kinds of people in this world. Problems and problem solvers. Which one are you?
11. I must have been really high on drugs 19 yrs ago when I gave birth to you. I have no recollection of it at all.
12. Why yes, you're absolutely right! You do have a big problem.
13. "Of all the subs in all the seas in all the world, you end up in mine..."
14. Did your parents have any kids
15. What exactly did your mother tell you when you came to her with your problems? You mean she didn't say a word, just pulled the trigger?
16. Wow! This is going to take some creative problem solving! Let me think about it for a week and I'll let you know.
17. Today's just not your day. Tomorrow's not looking good, either.
18. No, really - how are you ever going to learn unless you suffer horribly from your mistakes
19. I remember having this same exact problem when I was your age. My mom leaned over the crib and said in her sweet Japanese voice, "Good morning!! Who filled that diaper with sh1t? Not me! No! When I come back tomorrow afternoon, I expect you to have changed your diaper and cleaned your entire nursery!"
20. I asked my mom for advice on your problem. My Japanese is a bit rusty but if I got it right, she says your only solution is Seppuku. Unfortunately, I didn't bring a wakizashi with me, but I can offer you a sharpened pencil, a box cutter
or a rope
. Any preference?
After doing this a few times, the guys learned not to bring their petty problems to me and figured out how to problem solve on their own, in addition to adjusting to submarine humor
Ah, the simpler days. We roamed the seas with impunity, greeted each other with "Eff off!" or "Kill a Commie for Mommy!" and we didn't worry about protesters, cops, traffic jams , looting or feelings.