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Old 20-04-2020, 03:05   #9646
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by HopCar View Post
GordMay, your Mother is on the roof.
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Originally Posted by StuM View Post
And she can't get down....
I'm sure near everyone knows of which they speak, but ...


While sunning himself in the Bahamas, a wealthy Manhattan businessman named Saul Epstein received a telegram from his butler, which read simply: "Cat dead." Distraught at the loss of his beloved pet, Mr. Epstein cut short his holiday and returned home. After giving the cat a decent burial in the garden, he remonstrated with his butler for the cold-hearted nature of the telegram.

"You should break bad news gently," he said. "If I had been telling you that your cat had died, I would have sent a telegram saying: "The cat's on the roof and can't get down." Then a few hours later I would have sent another telegram, saying: "The cat's fallen off the roof and is badly hurt." Finally, a couple of hours after that, I would have sent a third telegram, saying: "The cat has sadly passed away." That way, you would have been gradually prepared for the bad news and would have been able to deal with it better."

"I understand, sir," said the butler. "I will bear that in mind in future."

With that, Mr. Epstein booked another ticket to the Bahamas and resumed his holiday.

Two days later, he received another telegram from his butler. It read: "Your mother's on the roof and can't get down."
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Old 20-04-2020, 05:33   #9647
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Re: The New Joke Thread

This one may be a repeat but is worth repeating...


WIFE : I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.

ME: {drinking toast} Why?
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Old 20-04-2020, 05:34   #9648
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Way down upon the Mississippi, two tugboat captains who had been friends for years, would always cry "Aye!" and blow their whistles whenever they passed each other.

A new crewman asked his boat's mate, "What do they do that for?"

The mate looked surprised and replied, "You mean that you've never heard of an aye for an aye and a toot for a toot?"
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Old 20-04-2020, 05:38   #9649
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Re: The New Joke Thread

My wife made me a millionaire.

What were you before you married her?

A billionaire.
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Old 20-04-2020, 05:59   #9650
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Woman writes book " How to marry a millionaire " subject line = be were they are.
Next year writes new book " How to become a millionaire" subject line = Divorce one.
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Old 20-04-2020, 08:43   #9651
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Old 20-04-2020, 08:44   #9652
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Old 20-04-2020, 08:45   #9653
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Old 20-04-2020, 08:46   #9654
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Old 20-04-2020, 08:47   #9655
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Old 20-04-2020, 08:48   #9656
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Old 20-04-2020, 08:49   #9657
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Old 20-04-2020, 08:50   #9658
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Old 20-04-2020, 08:51   #9659
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Old 20-04-2020, 09:11   #9660
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Two Pollocks rent a boat, and go out fishing for the day. They are having no luck at all until close to sunset when they find a spot where the fish are biting as fast as they can rebait their lines.
As the sun sets they reluctantly head back to the marina with their catch. As they are driving home one Pole exclaims, "Did you think to mark the spot where those fish were biting?"
The other replies, " Yeah I put a big X on the side of the boat."
His buddy replies, "You idiot! How do you know we will get the same boat next time?!"
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