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Old 22-05-2017, 14:47   #2146
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by svmariane View Post
Overheard in a corner of the pub...

Four doctors are talking about death. The first, a dentist, says, When I die, I think Id like my tombstone to be shaped like a tooth made of white marble.

Hey, adds the cardiologist, thats not a bad idea, Id love my tombstone to be shaped as a heart

The gynecologist is silent for a bit, then says, I think scattering of the ashes is my option.
The fourth doctor decided cremation was also a great idea, but he wanted his ashes added to plaster and used to mold a tasteful statue that indicated to people that he was a proctologist and spent his days looking at sphincters, without overly insulting those with more delicate sensibilities. So he decided to commission a bust made from this photo.

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Old 22-05-2017, 16:10   #2147
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Had to stay away from the pub cause it’s cleaning day today.

I’ve already polished off a whole chocolate bar.


But anyway, here's some musings and thoughts from George gathered over the years down at the pub. Hope you enjoy...

***
While I was at the coffee shop I overheard some guy calling to his wife: "Wow, honey, you look really different today. Did you do something to your hair?"

Then from another direction: "Michael, I’m over here!"

***
Wife sends a text message to her husband on a really cold winter morning: "Windows are totally frozen, will not open."

Husband replies: “Carefully pour some warm water over it and tap the edges, first with your hand, if that doesn’t work, then gently with a hammer.”

15 minutes later, the wife texts back: “Oh no, I think the laptop is now totally gone.”

***
Helpful Hint: My car horn now sounds like gunshots.
People move out of the way much faster recently.

***
So I go: "Hey Georgette, what do you say to a nice walk?"

She says: "Oh George, that would be lovely!"
-
Then I says: "Wonderful. Could you bring me some beer and cigarettes on your way back?"

(ta-da-rummm)

***
Mobile - Update
Tablet – Update
Laptop - Update
TV – Update
Gaming console – Update


Somehow I’m afraid to plug in the iron.

***
When I greeted my boss this morning he told me to have a good day.

Who am I to argue? So I thanked him and went back home.

***
I’m already doing 60 in a 30 mph zone and still that guy is sticking to me. And now he’s blinding me with these fancy blinking blue lights. The world is full of psychos!

***
Just a reminder.... Not every badly unkempt guy is homeless.
It could well be that he lives with 3 females and only 1 bathroom.

***
Do you have a cat? And are you not a fan of house chores?

Here’s a little tip: Make your cat full of static electricity by rubbing her with a balloon and then use a laser pointer to have her climb on and over all your dusty shelves and surfaces. There you go... dusting is a chore of yesterday.

***
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Old 22-05-2017, 16:40   #2148
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Re: The New Joke Thread

BAKED STUFFED CHICKEN
6-7 lb. chicken
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing
1 cup uncooked popcorn
salt/pepper to taste

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.
Brush chicken well with melted butter, salt and pepper.
Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn.
Place in baking pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven.
Listen for popping sounds.
When the chicken's ass blows the oven door open and the chicken flies across the room, it is done.

Courtesty CF
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Old 23-05-2017, 07:21   #2149
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Re: The New Joke Thread

OK last one, only posting cause there's only a couple pages in this thread.


British sense of humor?

1. After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, John woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman.
That's when he realized he had made it home safely.

2. My wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her: "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"
(The doctor says I should be able to see again in about ten days. The broken arm will take about a month.)

3. Wife gets naked and asks hubby: "What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?" Hubby looks her up and down and replies: "Your sense of humor!"
(Hospital visiting hours are 5:00 to 6:00 )


4. My wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.
(His viewing will be Saturday from 7:00 till 8:30. )


5. My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door. She screamed: "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" I replied: "Oh, so now you want me to stay!"


6. Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. When we went to the fair last night it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.


7. I woke up this morning at 11:30 , and could sense something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonalds now serve breakfast all day.


8. I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.


9. A teenage boy asks his granny: "Have you seen my pills? They were labeled LSD?" Granny replies: " The hell with the pills, did you see the dragons in the kitchen?"


10. Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Para-Olympics after they tested positive for WD40.


11. I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard, and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.
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Old 23-05-2017, 17:28   #2150
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Re: The New Joke Thread

HEAVEN AND HELL (The Difference)

Heaven is a place where the police are English; the chefs are Italian; the car mechanics are German; the lovers are French and it's all organized by the Swiss.

Hell is a place where the police are German, the chefs are English, the car mechanics are French, the lovers are Swiss, and it's all organized by the Italians.
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Old 24-05-2017, 03:03   #2151
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Greetings and welcome aboard the CF, sailbad.
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Old 24-05-2017, 03:36   #2152
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Re: The New Joke Thread

sailbad666, you got this wrong:
the AMERICANS are the lovers!
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Old 24-05-2017, 03:37   #2153
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Re: The New Joke Thread

one more english joke:
"sir, your penis is hangig out of your fly!"
"Oh, she's gone!"
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Old 24-05-2017, 08:45   #2154
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by double u View Post
sailbad666, you got this wrong:
the AMERICANS are the lovers!
In heaven or hell?
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Old 24-05-2017, 10:01   #2155
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Re: The New Joke Thread

sorry, HELL of course!
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Old 24-05-2017, 13:34   #2156
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Re: The New Joke Thread

All this reminds me of an old favourite...

What's the definition of Aussie foreplay?

"Are you awake?"
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Old 24-05-2017, 14:55   #2157
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Re: The New Joke Thread

The Tweeter travels...

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Old 27-05-2017, 13:09   #2158
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Re: The New Joke Thread

You know, some folk have complained that I post too much about George. Want me to relate more personal stuff, this being "social media"or something.

So okay.....

I just like to sleep naked. The air-hostess could have been a bit more understanding. Not like I was hiding weapons or anything, right?
***

I'm trying to get back into shape... On Saturday I broke my personal record for a 100 meter dash: I’m on 64 meters.
***

Then I swung by the restaurant for some nourishment. Told the waiter: "I’m sorry, but I cannot eat all this. Would you be so kind and pack it for me? To take away?" Guy says: "But sir, this is a buffet!"

Well now, I don't claim to know everything but seems his attitude was all wrong.
***

So I headed towards the pub and along the way saw a poster... somebody was asking “Have you seen my cat?” So I called the number and said that I hadn't.
I like to help where I can.
***

Then I'm at the pub, up at the bar, and a Chinese guy came alongside.
I asked him if he knew Kung ** or some other martial art.

He said, “Why do you ask me that? Is it just because I’m Chinese?!”

I said “No, it’s because you’re drinking MY beer!“
***

Doing a bit of web surfing at the bar I read that the mass chicken farms pump chickens full of antibiotics. Well, that would at least explain why chicken soup is so good when you have a cold.
***

Being a bit short of the long I had to hit the ATM for my pub tab. Something occurred to me... During that web site log in I got the message: "Sorry, your password 257EeffQ@# is not secure enough." But at the ATM?
Pin code 1234 ---- Here’s your 300 dollars.
***

BTW: What do you call the soft tissue between a shark's teeth?

The slow swimmer.
***


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Old 27-05-2017, 13:51   #2159
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Re: The New Joke Thread

So, I was doing a bit of web surfing and would you believe it?

1) In the USA, there are more Chinese restaurants than all the McDonald’s, KFCs, Burger Kings and Wendy’s put together.

2) There are more English speakers in China than in the United States.

3) If you kept yelling for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would produce enough sound energy to heat up a cup of tea.

4) At any given moment, about 0.7% of the people in the world are drunk.

5) When you talk, you spray around 2.5 microscopic saliva droplets per word.

6) The name Australia contains three A's and each of them is pronounced differently.




Yeah, yeah, yeah.....
I'd best go back to George & other pub tales, huh?
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Old 27-05-2017, 17:26   #2160
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by svmariane View Post
You know, some folk have complained that I post too much about George. Want me to relate more personal stuff, this being "social media"or something.

So okay.....

I just like to sleep naked. The air-hostess could have been a bit more understanding. Not like I was hiding weapons or anything, right?
***

I'm trying to get back into shape... On Saturday I broke my personal record for a 100 meter dash: Im on 64 meters.
***

Then I swung by the restaurant for some nourishment. Told the waiter: "Im sorry, but I cannot eat all this. Would you be so kind and pack it for me? To take away?" Guy says: "But sir, this is a buffet!"

Well now, I don't claim to know everything but seems his attitude was all wrong.
***

So I headed towards the pub and along the way saw a poster... somebody was asking Have you seen my cat? So I called the number and said that I hadn't.
I like to help where I can.
***

Then I'm at the pub, up at the bar, and a Chinese guy came alongside.
I asked him if he knew Kung ** or some other martial art.

He said, Why do you ask me that? Is it just because Im Chinese?!

I said No, its because youre drinking MY beer!
***

Doing a bit of web surfing at the bar I read that the mass chicken farms pump chickens full of antibiotics. Well, that would at least explain why chicken soup is so good when you have a cold.
***

Being a bit short of the long I had to hit the ATM for my pub tab. Something occurred to me... During that web site log in I got the message: "Sorry, your password 257EeffQ@# is not secure enough." But at the ATM?
Pin code 1234 ---- Heres your 300 dollars.
***

BTW: What do you call the soft tissue between a shark's teeth?

The slow swimmer.
****

Why do merchant sailors call yachties WAFI's?

Wind Assisted F-----g Idiots

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