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Old 13-01-2020, 16:22   #8146
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Re: The New Joke Thread

I went to a book store and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was.

She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
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Old 13-01-2020, 16:22   #8147
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Re: The New Joke Thread

I told my psychiatrist that Iíve been hearing voices.

He told me that I donít have a psychiatrist.
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Old 14-01-2020, 10:11   #8148
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by LakeSuperior View Post
I told my psychiatrist that Iíve been hearing voices.

He told me that I donít have a psychiatrist.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I am Schziphrenic,
and so am I.
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Old 14-01-2020, 18:32   #8149
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Old 14-01-2020, 18:40   #8150
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Re: The New Joke Thread

still a babe
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Old 14-01-2020, 19:45   #8151
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Many of us have been to one or more comedy clubs at one time or another. If you're anything like me, you get tired of the profanity, racism, misogyny and/or pro-this/anti-that political screedes. Allow me to introduce you to Dry Bar Comedy.

Recorded at a club in Provo, Utah, USA (home to Brigham Young University) these stand up comedians provide family-friendly humor, laughter, and an unusual twist to everyday life. Well, maybe if you're everyday life might include trying to ride an ostrich as related in the linked video.

This is only one of more than 160 Dry Bar Comedy specials available online. Enjoy!

Edit: My wife is German so don't start - okay?

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Old 15-01-2020, 05:19   #8152
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Why do people keep telling you, that they are speechless?
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Old 15-01-2020, 08:44   #8153
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pirate Re: The New Joke Thread

So anyway..
I was strolling through Coimbra Forum yesterday when I spotted a Ä20 note half hidden under one of the seatings that are scattered around the floors.
I sat down and picked it up then looked around wondering what to do next..
I was the only person in the seating area.. then I had an inspiration..
What would Jesus do..???
So I changed it into wine...
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Old 15-01-2020, 14:12   #8154
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Old 15-01-2020, 14:14   #8155
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Why do people keep telling you, that they are speechless?
If they're anything like my friends, that's so you know that they saw it and they're speechless as opposed to their normal state, which is passed out.
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Old 15-01-2020, 14:39   #8156
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Re: The New Joke Thread

"Brother Mark arrives at the monastery where he intends to devote his life to celiate servitude to the Lord. When he arrives, he discovers that the other brothers are creating new books by copying from previous copies.

"So he asks Brother John, 'Do you ever proofread these copies against the original? How do you know that someone isnít copying a mistake?'

"Brother John ponders this and decides, 'Alright, Iíll take one of the newest copies and compare it to the original text.'

"Off goes Brother John into the vault in the cellar where the original holy texts are kept. The day goes by and that night, he still hasnít emerged from the vault. The brothers grow worried and Brother Mark goes downstairs to check on Brother John.

"As soon as he steps into the cellar, he can hear the faint sound of sobbing. He follows the sound until he finds Brother John sat with both the copy and original text in front of him. It is obvious that Brother John has been crying for some time.

"'Brother John!' Brother Mark says. 'What is the matter?'

"Brother John sobs again and exclaims, 'Oh my Lord! The word is CELEBRATE!'"
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Old 15-01-2020, 14:43   #8157
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Grammar joke:
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Old 15-01-2020, 14:46   #8158
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Unsure as to if Riddles are permitted to be posted to the New Joke Thread or whether such would be consider but here goes.

A simple riddle:

"A word in this sentence is misspelled."
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Old 15-01-2020, 14:48   #8159
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Re: The New Joke Thread

This joke for fans of the Oxford comma:

"There are three things that I love: the Oxford comma, irony, and missed opportunities."
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Old 15-01-2020, 15:05   #8160
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Montanan View Post
This joke for fans of the Oxford comma:

"There are three things that I love: the Oxford comma, irony, and missed opportunities."
Shouldn't that read?
There are three things that I love: the Oxford comma, irony and missed opportunities.
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