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Old 13-12-2019, 05:15   #7696
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Old 13-12-2019, 06:47   #7697
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Re: The New Joke Thread

In gym, i saw a good looking girl. I asked her:

Do you know how to train your trapezoids?

She just shrugged...
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Old 13-12-2019, 06:48   #7698
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Re: The New Joke Thread

The American education system obviously listens to Pink Floyd…

…they've left those kids a loan.
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Old 13-12-2019, 13:36   #7699
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Men can't catch a break, you know? Think about it...

See, a long time ago our ancestors used to live in the jungle, up in trees. But women complained about it being wet and that snakes and big cats were a constant danger. So we moved down to caves. But women complained about it being dark and cold and windy inside. So we invented fire. And built a wall at the entrance, with an animal skin as a flap-door. But then women complained about it getting crowded and smokey inside with no fresh air. (Okay... guys fart, so that could have been on us.) So then we built these stand-alone things made of clay and stones and wood. Guess what? Women complained that the shelter was lifeless, so we invented radio and television to bring outside life into the home - without, mind you, any risk of being eaten by that outside life. All good, right? Nope. Because then women complained about being cut off from their friends and family. So we invented the telephone and the internet and computers with web cams and then finally smart phones that she could carry around with her. Total connection! So what comes next? I'll tell you...

She starts bringing all these plants and flowers and minature trees INTO the second floor apartment! We're back in a tree in the jungle, right where we started from!





* The story above is from my comedy tour "The Accidental Comedian".
Look for it on HBO and Netflix, beginning New Year's Day.

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Old 13-12-2019, 16:02   #7700
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Old 13-12-2019, 21:17   #7701
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Old 13-12-2019, 23:09   #7702
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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I would give that a 69 out of 100
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Old 13-12-2019, 23:18   #7703
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by svmariane View Post
See, a long time ago our ancestors used to live in the jungle, up in trees. But women complained about it being wet and that snakes and big cats were a constant danger. <snip> She starts bringing all these plants and flowers and minature trees INTO the second floor apartment! We're back in a tree in the jungle, right where we started from!
edit:
And with cats! Don't get me started on cats. You see that precious little fluffy ball of fur she calls - wait for it - fluffy? Well, its great great something great gandpa was an effing Sabre Toothed Tiger! And ate humans for dinner. We got you out of the trees partly because of cats and you're WILLINGLY bringing them into the cave! Sorry ... into the tree-apartment. Don't you dare even think about getting a "harmless little grass snake" for a pet. The one who's ancestor was an effing Anaconda! I might go on a bit of a rant.

.

From my comedy tour "The Accidental Comedian". Tickets available at finer establishments. (Or ask Joe at the bar. He can usually score a couple.)
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Old 14-12-2019, 00:03   #7704
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by svmariane View Post
From my comedy tour "The Accidental Comedian". Tickets available at finer establishments. (Or ask Joe at the bar. He can usually score a couple.)

There are no rules left to follow
And there is no pride left to swallow
So get up there and do what you should
And don't get too smart for your own good
This joke has only begun
The accidental comedian
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Old 14-12-2019, 05:55   #7705
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Old 14-12-2019, 07:32   #7706
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Re: The New Joke Thread

You just have to frame the question correctly:
Jack and Max are walking from religious service. Jack wonders whether it would be all right to smoke while praying.
Max replies, “Why don’t you ask the priest?”
So Jack goes up to the priest and asks, “Father, may I smoke while I pray?”
The priest replies, “No, my son, you may not! That’s utter disrespect to our religion.”
Jack goes back to his friend and tells him what the good priest told him.
Max says, “I’m not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try.”
And so Max goes up to the priest and asks, “Father, may I pray while I smoke?”
To which the priest eagerly replies, “By all means, my son. By all means. You can always pray whenever you want to."
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Old 14-12-2019, 07:43   #7707
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Re: The New Joke Thread

The message you have entered is too short
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Old 14-12-2019, 12:10   #7708
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by StuM View Post
There are no rules left to follow
And there is no pride left to swallow
So get up there and do what you should
And don't get too smart for your own good
This joke has only begun
The accidental comedian
When I arbitrarily had the thought to mention a fictional comedy tour I had no idea that "The Accidental Comedian" was a real-world thing. Your post led me to research the term. Oops! My bad.
.

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Old 14-12-2019, 12:20   #7709
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Don't worry about it. Most houses have windows all over them and Microsoft hasn't done anything. Yet.
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Old 14-12-2019, 13:16   #7710
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Ah.... Microsoft and Windows. Presenting the Hundertwasser Haus in Vienna, Austria, a visual reference for how well all my apps integrate using MS.
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