The New Joke Thread

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Notice he has no toilet paper...

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[sailorphil9]

Originally Posted by MicHughV

traveling from England to America I thought Americans speak another language besides english

English American

spanner wrench
bonnet hood
boot trunk
lift elevator
1st floor ground floor
chips french fires
petrol gas
dustbin trash bin
appetizer starter
fringe bangs
biscuit cookie
rugby football
cricket baseball

and there are many more....

let's get started on the decimal system vs. American fraction.....ha ha ha ha...no, let's not....

and the money system....nickel..dime...quarter (what other country has a 1/4?

Why is the American "World" series only played by American teams?

NASA is metric, but the country isn't....wassup wid dat ??

Why is a 2 x4 not really a 2 x4....???

The mind boggles.....

'Twas in the era of Clinton/Lewinsky and John Cleese (of Monty Python)m was being interviewed on a US chast show. The interviewer asked what he thought the difference was between English people and US citizens.



He answered:
There are three differences:
1. We are separated by a common language
2. When we hold a world championship we invite teams from other countries
3. When we meet our head of state we only kneel on one knee.

[socaldmax]

My ex-wife used to constantly complain that I left the toilet seat up.

I always swore to her that I didn't. I also questioned her as to why she always took a flying butt leap onto the toilet before looking? She had no answer for that, but continued to complain.

One day I marched into the bathroom with her and pointed to the seat. "What is that??" I asked her. She replied, "The toilet seat."

I pointed to the toilet lid. "What is that??" She replied, "The other toilet seat."

I sighed, "I rest my case."



Some other time I'll tell you about the enlightening discussion we had about the relationship between checking account balance and the number of checks left in the checkbook.

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[sailorphil9]

Originally Posted by bobnlesley

Sorry, I almost forgot about this being the joke thread: As a teenager I had a good friend who was and indeed still is, known to all as 'Forby', but only those who were at school with Steve know that this nickname is not an abbreviation of his surname, but is more correctly spelt 'fourby' because he was as thick as a four by two.

In a local secondary school, one of the classes was known by the teaching staff as 'the planks'.

[sailorphil9]

Originally Posted by Captn_Black

Not really a joke, but I thought it was funny - I watched a YT video of some rich yachties on their Atlantic crossing. They had an issue with a bolt on their wind vane pilot constantly coming loose, but never once did they think of putting a second nut on it to lockdown the first. Instead they were hanging over the side everyday to tighten the nut. Being stupid is hard work.

Albert Einstein: 'The definition of stupidity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result'.

[sailorphil9]

Originally Posted by LakeSuperior

A bass player found a brass lamp on the beach and rubbed the sand off of it. A genie popped out and said I will grant you three wishes in your lifetime.

The bass player said, “I wish to be the best bass player in all of America.”

The genie responded, “your wish is my command.”

The bass player then spent the next few years touring with some of the biggest bands in the country

He eventually got bored of just staying in America so he found the genie again and said, “I wish to be the best bass player in the world.”

The genie responded “your wish is my command.”

Soon, he was on a world wide tour. But he again eventually got bored and found the genie one last time and said, “I want to be better than any bass player has ever been.”

Suddenly he was on tour as the rhythm guitarist of a middle school cover band.

What do you call someone who hangs out with musicians?


A drummer.

[Captn_Black]

A bassist walks into a music ship and approaches the guy at the counter.
"I'm thinking of branching out, learning a new instrument."
"Ok sir," replied the clerk, "What did you have in mind?"
"How about this?" asked the bassist.
"Sir, that's a fire extinguisher," said the clerk.

[Captn_Black]