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Old 22-05-2019, 20:10   #5521
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Re: The New Joke Thread

I don't always drink Dos Equies, but when I do...

Let's get into it.... What a nice night for an evening, yeah?

Broke my eyeglasses and the Doc said new ones would be ready next day. Let me use a loaner set. Got tied up with a project. Three days later I'm walking down the street with the loaners and the prescription ran out.

Was hitchhiking one time and a hearse pulled up.
Said no thanks, I'm not going that far.

Got food poisoning today.
I don't know when I'm going to use it.

Went on vacation. Stayed in a really old hotel.
They sent me a wake up letter.

I've got lots of theories - about lots of things.
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

Every day I like to take a little time, set it aside, and just forget about it.
At the end of the year I'll have a couple of days just for myself.

Babies don't need a vacation but I still see them at the beach.

My wife hates it when we take a bath together and I practice skipping rocks.
Now she sits at the same end as me and it's not as fun.

Laying in bed one night reading my second hand diary that I bought. Wife says let me ask you this... If you could know how and when you were going to die would you want to know? I said no. She said forget it then.

So I got out of bed, thinking to go for a walk. Wife asks how long I'm going to be gone. I said the whole time.

Bought this thing, you put it on your car so when you're driving through the woods the deer won't run in front of your car. Didn't read the instructions and installed it backwards. Drove down to the store and there was this herd of deer following me.

I like to aggravate the salesman when I go into the store.
Can I help you, sir?
Yeah. You have anything I would like?
He says How would I know what you would like?
I say You started this.


Think I'll just see myself out.............
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Old 23-05-2019, 03:58   #5522
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by svmariane View Post
I don't always drink Dos Equies, but when I do...
... Let's get into it.... What a nice night for an evening, yeah?
Arenít time zones amazing?
In Australia, itís tomorrow.
In Europe itís tonight.
And in the US, itís 1942, where minorities, women, and reality are under assault by old white men.
One day women might have equal rights as guns.
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Old 23-05-2019, 04:01   #5523
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by GordMay View Post
Arenít time zones amazing?
In Australia, itís tomorrow.
In Europe itís tonight.
And in the US, itís 1942, where minorities, women, and reality are under assault by old white men.
One day women might have equal rights as guns.
And in the Uk it is 1960
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Old 23-05-2019, 04:19   #5524
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by GordMay View Post
Arenít time zones amazing?
In Australia, itís tomorrow.
In Europe itís tonight.
And in the US, itís 1942, where minorities, women, and reality are under assault by old white men.
One day women might have equal rights as guns.
And yet hundreds of thousands try to break into the US each year. You would think if itís such a terrible place it would be the opposite.
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Old 23-05-2019, 06:09   #5525
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by john61ct View Post
Mildly interesting

Text for those who prefer to read

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_..._the_President

Funny? maybe if you squint.

TW: use of the word niggardly in a racial context
Nothing racist about the word, it has a Scandinavian root. Per Merriam-Webster:

niggardly
adjective
nig∑​gard∑​ly | \ ˈni-gərd-lē
Definition of niggardly
1 : grudgingly mean about spending or granting : begrudging Ö management was being niggardly with raises.ó Dana Canedy

2 : provided in meanly limited supply Ö niggardly funding of planetary science.ó Richard Wolkomir
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Old 23-05-2019, 06:53   #5526
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Re: The New Joke Thread

I think in the context a pun was intended.

But it was a different time as they say
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Old 23-05-2019, 07:00   #5527
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by officerbill View Post
Nothing racist about the word, it has a Scandinavian root. Per Merriam-Webster ...
Greetings and welcome aboard the CF, Bill.


The word “niggardly” can be traced back to the Middle English word “nigon” ( "stingy" or "miserly"), which has the same meaning, and is related to the Old Norse verb “nigla”, which means "to fuss about small matters".
The racial epithet, "******", derives from the Spanish/Portuguese word negro, meaning "black", and the French word “nŤgre”.
The two words are completely unrelated.
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Old 23-05-2019, 07:41   #5528
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by transmitterdan View Post
And yet hundreds of thousands try to break into the US each year. You would think if it’s such a terrible place it would be the opposite.
I apologise, if I offended your sense of patriotism, but it was just a joke (based upon, perhaps, a kernel of truth).

I agree that America is one of the more attractive places to live, and the major destination for immigration.

And yet, a record number of Americans want to leave the United States, according to a new Gallup poll.
The number of Americans who want to flee the country has hit a new high, at 16 per cent. It's important to note that people's desire to migrate is typically much higher than their intention to do so.
https://news.gallup.com/poll/245789/...520the%2520U.S.
https://www.gallup.com/services/1777...tm_medium=copy

The U.S. government doesn’t formally track how many Americans leave the U.S., but the most recent estimate puts the figure at nearly nine million. This figure represents a doubling of the 1999 figure, placed at 4.1 million. The number of expats has more than doubled in the last fifteen years; a number growing faster than the rate of the U.S. population itself.
https://aaro.org/about-aaro/8m-americans-abroad

More Mexican immigrants have returned to Mexico from the U.S. than have migrated here since the end of the Great Recession, according to a new Pew Research Center analysis of newly available government data from both countries. The same data sources also show the overall flow of Mexican immigrants between the two countries is at its smallest since the 1990s, mostly due to a drop in the number of Mexican immigrants coming to the U.S.
Mexican immigration to the United States reached a peak at 12.8 million by 2007 . Since then, the Mexican-born population has declined, falling to 11.7 million in 2014.
https://www.pewhispanic.org/2015/11/...mmigration-01/
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Old 23-05-2019, 08:01   #5529
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Re: The New Joke Thread

The only places worth living in in the US are those with the highest proportions of first-generation immigrants.

I've become a single-issue voter:

A Taco Truck on Every Corner!
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Old 23-05-2019, 09:46   #5530
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Old 23-05-2019, 10:51   #5531
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Sometimes I just want someone to hug me and say "I know it's hard, but you'll be okay. Here's a coffee, and a million dollars."
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Old 23-05-2019, 12:24   #5532
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by john61ct View Post
The only places worth living in in the US are those with the highest proportions of first-generation immigrants.

I've become a single-issue voter: A Taco Truck on Every Corner!
And I will vehemently oppose!

Proper Turkish Shish Kebab is the way to go!


{Contrary to American versions of the dish, Turkish shish kebab rarely comes with vegetables on the same skewer as the meat. Rather, the vegetables are grilled on separate skewers, so each can be cooked the proper length of time.}
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Old 23-05-2019, 12:38   #5533
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Souvlaki, gyros, and taramosalata

Shawarma rules! No sushi!

http://cuberule.com/

http://cuberule.com/assets/15_cube_rule.jpg

https://www.exodus-strength.com/foru...5606c3808fcd2d
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Old 23-05-2019, 12:43   #5534
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Re: The New Joke Thread

How did I end up on the food channel?
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Old 23-05-2019, 12:56   #5535
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Sometimes I just want someone to hug me and say "I know it's hard, but you'll be okay. Here's a coffee, and a million dollars."
If you have been willing to admit to a niggardly negro racial heritage for the last 10 years, and at least one of your ancestors was an American slave, you may get (some of) your wish. No joke.
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