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Old 04-02-2017, 10:35   #1951
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Re: The New Joke Thread

More logo disasters:

https://digitalsynopsis.com/design/t...gn-fails-ever/

What were they thinking?
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Old 04-02-2017, 13:35   #1952
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, “Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get it started.”
He asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”
The blonde says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a tiger.”
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.”
He takes her hand and says, “Second, I want you to relax, and then…..” he sighed, “we’ll put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box.”
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Old 05-02-2017, 13:36   #1953
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Re: The New Joke Thread

ON THE FIRST day, God created the dog and said, sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this I will give you a life span of twenty years.

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

And God said that it was good.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God again said that it was good.

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed it was good.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service. If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch.
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Old 05-02-2017, 18:22   #1954
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Saleen411 View Post
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, “Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get it started.”
He asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”
The blonde says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a tiger.”
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.”
He takes her hand and says, “Second, I want you to relax, and then…..” he sighed, “we’ll put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box.”


My girlfriend has been working on that puzzle for 5 yrs now. I just don't have the heart to tell her...
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Old 05-02-2017, 21:52   #1955
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A young woman who submitted the tech support message below (about her relationship with her husband) presumably did it as a joke. Then she got a reply which was way too good to keep to herself. The tech support people's love advice was hilarious and genius!
The query:
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as: NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?
Signed, Desperate.
The response (that came weeks later out of the blue)
Dear Desperate,
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter command:
I thought you loved me.html and try to download Tears 6.2.
Do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta version.
Whatever you do, DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Mother-In- Law 1.0 as it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.

In addition, please, do not attempt to re-install the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend: Cooking 3.0.
Good Luck!
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Old 05-02-2017, 22:04   #1956
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by socaldmax View Post
My girlfriend has been working on that puzzle for 5 yrs now. I just don't have the heart to tell her...
I had a puzzle that said "3-5 years" on the box. It only took me 6 months to finish it!
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Old 05-02-2017, 23:58   #1957
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Re: The New Joke Thread

and then there was this chap up in Queensland who came into the dentist's office...

"How much is it for a root canal operation" he sez?

"Why, it usually runs about 1200 dollars" says the dentist.

"Ooooh, that's a lot of money, mate. Can we find a way to make it less expensive... I'm a yottie, you see, and have little spare cash"?

"Well, we could do it without anesthesia... not pleasant, but it would cut the cost down to around 800 bucks"

Oooh, that's better, but still way too much. Any way to get it lower"?

"Well, I've got a third year student who is about ready to try his hand at this, and I'd forgo my fee in that case, so only 500 dollars would cover it".

"Oooh, that's getting there, but I'm not sure I can come up with quite that much".

"I guess the only other thing we could cut is using one-time instruments. I could autoclave some old stuff lying around, and that would save another hundred bucks for you".

"Well, that's really good of you, doc, so I guess it will do"

"OK, I'll see you tomorrow morning with the student set to go to work".

" Oh no, doc, it's not for me, it's for me wife..."

(Ducks and runs for cover)
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Old 06-02-2017, 01:17   #1958
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Re: The New Joke Thread

And there's some deep water down there in Tassie. You might end up next to your old anchor.


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Old 06-02-2017, 13:29   #1959
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Three blade folder DOES have a lot more initial drag on the pocketbook...
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Old 06-02-2017, 14:13   #1960
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Three blade folder DOES have a lot more initial drag on the pocketbook...
Wrong thread,perhaps??
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Old 06-02-2017, 14:34   #1961
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by senormechanico View Post
Three blade folder DOES have a lot more initial drag on the pocketbook...
Nah Jim....im sure we can make a joke out of this
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Old 06-02-2017, 16:51   #1962
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Geesh ! How did that happen?
I was reading the prop vibration thread !
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Old 06-02-2017, 17:39   #1963
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A Touching Story
Kind of a cool way to take a casket to the cemetery.



A funeral procession pulled into a cemetery.
Several carloads of family members followed a black truck towing a boat with a coffin in it.
A passer-by remarked, "That guy must have been a very avid fisherman."
"Oh, he still is," remarked one of the mourners.
As a matter of fact, we're headed off to the lake as soon as we bury his wife."
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Old 06-02-2017, 17:50   #1964
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Re: The New Joke Thread

*FROZEN CRABS AND THE BLONDE FLIGHT ATTENDANT*

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with
a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde flight
attendant take care of them for him. She took
the box and promised to put it in the crew's
refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding
her personally responsible for them staying
frozen, mentioning in an arrogant manner that he
was a lawyer, and threatened what would happen
to her if she let them thaw out.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the
intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would
the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans,
please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up ... so she took them home
and ate them.

There are two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think.
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Old 06-02-2017, 17:58   #1965
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by senormechanico View Post
Geesh ! How did that happen?
I was reading the prop vibration thread !
This is what happens when blokes try to multi-task.
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