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Old 12-01-2017, 22:50   #1921
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by tkeithlu View Post
While Rodney Dangerfield did tell his most famous joke at the expense of his wife, his saying "Now take my wife..." .
...'cept it was Henny Youngman...
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Old 13-01-2017, 08:14   #1922
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Why did Moses receive the Ten Commandments?

God went to the Arabs and said,
'I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.'
The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?'
And the Lord said, 'They are rules for living.'
'Can you give us an example?'
'Thou shall not kill.'
'Not kill? We're not interested..'

So He went to the Blacks and said, 'I have Commandments.'
The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said,
'Honour thy Father and Mother.'
'Father? We don't know who our fathers are.
We're not interested.'

Then He went to the Mexicans and said, 'I have Commandments.'
The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said 'Thou shall not steal.'
'Not steal? We're not interested.'

Then He went to the French and said, 'I have Commandments.'
The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, 'Thou shall not commit adultery.'
'Sacre bleu!!! Not commit adultery? We're not interested.'

Finally, He went to the Jews and said, 'I have Commandments..
'Commandments?' They said, 'How much are they?'
'They're free.'
'We'll take 10.'


There! That should upset just about everybody!!....
I'd say that will piss a lot of people off! I love it, because if you can't laugh at yourself.... well I've no use for ya.

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Old 13-01-2017, 09:46   #1923
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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I've done that. But, then, I had a badge, gun, sobriety, and citation book on my side of the confrontations. Actually, they had enough sense to be pretty polite about it. One tried to argue to the Dean that she wasn't all that drunk at the sorority pledge party, and he asked "Was that before or after you threw up on Dr. Keith-Lucas's foot?"


But why do you want to be between college students and a beer cooler?
When I was a student we had a flat beer rate at out student society. You paid a flat sum upon entry, and from then on all the beer was free. As much as you wanted. Empty glasses were replaced right away.
If you wanted something non alcoholic you needed to apply to the presiding council for a dispensation.
These student societies were an important part of university life, and were prominently mentioned in the schools' publications...
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Old 13-01-2017, 12:30   #1924
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Re: The New Joke Thread

I had heard about a man with five penises.

They say his pants fit like a glove!
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Old 15-01-2017, 13:37   #1925
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Little Johnny’s neighbor…

had a new baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears. When the mother brought the new baby home from the hospital, Little Johnny’s family was invited over to see him. Before they left their house, Little Johnny’s dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby’s missing ears or even said the word, “ears”, he would get the spanking of his life when they came back home. Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely. When Little Johnny looked into the crib he said, “What a beautiful baby.” The mother said, “Why, thank you, Little Johnny.” Little Johnny said, “He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?” asked Little Johnny. “Yes”, the mother replied, “we are so thankful. The doctor said he will have 20/20 vision.” “That’s great”, said Little Johnny, “cuz he’d be screwed if he needed glasses."
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Old 15-01-2017, 13:56   #1926
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by K_V_B View Post
But why do you want to be between college students and a beer cooler?
When I was a student we had a flat beer rate at out student society. You paid a flat sum upon entry, and from then on all the beer was free. As much as you wanted. Empty glasses were replaced right away.
If you wanted something non alcoholic you needed to apply to the presiding council for a dispensation.
These student societies were an important part of university life, and were prominently mentioned in the schools' publications...


I bet they were mentioned a lot in the police reports and the local newspapers police beat sections.
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Old 15-01-2017, 14:19   #1927
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Re: The New Joke Thread

KVB, the problem was that when you were in college the drinking age was 18. With a national 21 standard came an impossible situation - three quarters of students are breaking the law. Most colleges pushed the problem off campus and left it to the local police. Mine kept it on campus to prevent drunken driving and to be able to single out and protect people at risk, because of a second impossible problem. With an intoxicated person not legally able to give consent, 3/4 of all sex on campus on any Saturday night was rape.
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Old 15-01-2017, 14:21   #1928
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Have you heard the new joke about the ceiling?

Oh, well, I'm not going to try to explain it. It would be over your head.
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Old 16-01-2017, 04:57   #1929
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Re: The New Joke Thread

New Jewish/ Japanese restaurant opened up in New York.


It's called " So Sue Me"...





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Old 18-01-2017, 17:56   #1930
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Re: The New Joke Thread

And from the Great White North...................................

How long does it take an average person to become a sailor??







wait for it...............







wait for it................









An average person will never become a sailor !!!!!!
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Old 22-01-2017, 08:06   #1931
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by Adelie View Post
I bet they were mentioned a lot in the police reports and the local newspapers police beat sections.


Not at all. Really. For one thing they were not doing anything illegal. Or unusual for that matter. The student societies even got subsidies from the university.
Of course, I forgot to mention that this is not in the US...
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Old 22-01-2017, 08:11   #1932
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by tkeithlu View Post
KVB, the problem was that when you were in college the drinking age was 18. With a national 21 standard came an impossible situation - three quarters of students are breaking the law. Most colleges pushed the problem off campus and left it to the local police. Mine kept it on campus to prevent drunken driving and to be able to single out and protect people at risk, because of a second impossible problem. With an intoxicated person not legally able to give consent, 3/4 of all sex on campus on any Saturday night was rape.

Actually where I grew up the "drinking age" was an unknown concept. I actually sometimes had a beer with some of my high school teachers after school, waiting for the train home... Herr was also served at school parties.
Of course, if you didn't want to be everybody's laughing stock you made sure not to drink so much you lost control.
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Old 22-01-2017, 11:45   #1933
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Re: The New Joke Thread

The US is so prudish and backwards.
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Old 24-01-2017, 21:34   #1934
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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The US is so prudish and backwards.
What do you mean backwards? We drive our prudism forward at one and half times the speed limit!
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Old 25-01-2017, 12:53   #1935
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Peter Piper the Checker......

There are important questions to be answered about recent LGBT bathroom legislation and whether transgender people will be permitted to use a restroom of the gender that they "identify" with or be required to use the restroom of their biological gender.

If the latter, will public restrooms be required to have a Genital Inspection Station posted at the entrance to all public restrooms?

Who will have to pay these Pecker Checkers, the people using the restroom, or the entity that owns the restroom?

And how much money will a Pecker Checker be paid to check peckers?

Or, do we pay a Pecker Checker by the number of peckers checked?

How many peckers can a Pecker Checker check if a Pecker Checker could check peckers?

What has this country come to when the U.S. Department of Labor has to create a new job description of Politically Correct Restroom Service Inspectors?

Want to guess their motto ...........???

"If You gotta pee - We gotta see!"
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