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Old 06-04-2017, 14:00   #2101
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Re: The New Joke Thread

I saw a circus act last week. A man jumped from a 100ft tower into a flaming barbecue pit. The audience immediately rose to their feet and shouted, "Well done, well done!"
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Old 09-04-2017, 17:15   #2102
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A young woman had been taking golf lessons.
She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting.
Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain.
Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, “Why are you back in so early? What’s wrong?”
“I was stung by a bee”, she said.
“Where?,” he asked.
“Between the first and second hole”, she replied.
He nodded knowingly and said, “Then your feet are too far apart.”
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Old 10-04-2017, 08:50   #2103
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Two put them down their trunks and hit the beach. Now they we're having worse luck than before. They finally ran into the surfer boy and said i thought u said the potatoes would get us all the women we wanted. The surfer boy looks down at them and said No dudes youre supposed to put them in the front!
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Old 10-04-2017, 09:11   #2104
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jason Flare View Post
A young woman had been taking golf lessons.
She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting.
Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain.
Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, “Why are you back in so early? What’s wrong?”
“I was stung by a bee”, she said.
“Where?,” he asked.
“Between the first and second hole”, she replied.
He nodded knowingly and said, “Then your feet are too far apart.”
Following on that...

A young woman had entered her dog in the dog show in the smooth-haired breed category. To give it an advantage, she went to the chemist for some hair remover.

The chemist gave her the product requested and advised, "Just remember to keep your arms up for at least five minutes"

"It's for my Chihuahua."

"Oh well, in that case," said the chemist, "Don't ride a bike for twenty minutes."
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Old 19-04-2017, 17:19   #2105
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Re: The New Joke Thread

The Last 10 cents...


A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy three 10 dimes to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking and going blue in the face....

The father realises the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back.

The boy coughs up 2 of the 10 cent coins but is still choking.

Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper, places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully pulls down his pants; takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.. tighter and tighter !!!

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last of the coins, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "


"No"' the woman relied. "I'm with the Tax Office.."
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Old 19-04-2017, 17:22   #2106
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Re: The New Joke Thread

...and an oldie-but-goodie...

A RETIREE'S LAST TRIP TO COSTCO

Yesterday I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Necco, the Wonder Dog, which weighs 191 lbs. I was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant?

So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your jacket pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (By now everyone in line was enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore.
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Old 19-04-2017, 22:05   #2107
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Re: The New Joke Thread

After we had lunch with another couple, the girls went shopping, and the guys opted to go sailing. Bad decision as a storm blew in while us guys were out on the water.

Making matters worse, the tide had gone out, grounding the boat. We had to climb overboard and shove it back into deep water.

As my friend stood there, ankles deep in muck, muscles straining against the weight of the boat, and rain pelting his face, he grinned broadly and with unmistakable sincerity said, "Sure beats shopping!"
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Old 21-04-2017, 13:32   #2108
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Re: The New Joke Thread

I like this thread
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Old 21-04-2017, 19:55   #2109
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Re: The New Joke Thread

...and at the risk (or certainty!?) of being politically incorrect...


Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'prejudice' these days................

A customer asked, "In what aisle can I find the Polish sausage?"

The clerk asks, "Are you Polish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something.

If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?

Or if I asked for some Whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"

The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Polish?"

The clerk replied, "Because you're in Ace Hardware."
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Old 24-04-2017, 21:30   #2110
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A test of your observational powers
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Old 25-04-2017, 00:33   #2111
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Re: The New Joke Thread

They are big, but I wouldn't say THAT big!
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Old 25-04-2017, 00:53   #2112
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by D&D View Post
...and at the risk (or certainty!?) of being politically incorrect...

[...]

The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Polish?"

The clerk replied, "Because you're in Ace Hardware."
You must be kidding, what a dumbo.. ,

I mean..
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.
.
.
.
.
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Everybody knows Ace Hardware is a Special Interest Sex Shop, right??
.
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.
.
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Old 25-04-2017, 04:31   #2113
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Everybody knows Ace Hardware is a Special Interest Sex Shop, right?
Uh... I guess it depends on what your "special interest" is.
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Old 25-04-2017, 13:01   #2114
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Re: The New Joke Thread

So these 2 nuns go to SanDiego zoo. Theyre having a great time until they walk by the gorilla cage. The biggest gorilla grabs one of the nuns and pulls her inside and starts having his way with her. By the time the guards got her free she was in real bad shape and they took her to the hospital. A week later the other nun went to visit her. When she walked into the room she saw her in a complete body cast and a leg up in traction. The nun asked her "Does it hurt?" "Hurt, he hasnt called, he hasnt written"
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Old 25-04-2017, 13:22   #2115
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Unattended Children
Will be Given
A Kitten
and an Espresso
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