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Old 10-02-2017, 00:53   #1981
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Charlie View Post
First time a black famuily was moved out of public housing so a white billionaire could move in.

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I think this one has been done to death but the spelling variations are somewhat telling in themselves.


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Old 11-02-2017, 19:40   #1982
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by goat View Post
Attachment 140942 No, that's not how I got the nickname.
I know a guy on an off road forum whose board name is "goat poker."

A few weeks later his wife joined the forum using the board name "goat" and in her first post she explained, "I'm goat poker's wife. If I'm not really the goat he's poking, we're going to have one of "those" talks."
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Old 12-02-2017, 17:54   #1983
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Most of our generation were HOME SCHOOLED
in many ways.

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.

"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.

"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL.

"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My father taught me LOGIC.

" Because I said so, that's why ."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .

"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.

"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My father taught me IRONY.

"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.

"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.

"Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.

"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.

"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.

"If I told you once, I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate!"

13. My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.

"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out..."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .

"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.

"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.

"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.

"You are going to get it from your father when you get home!"

18 . My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.

"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.

"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My father taught me HUMOR.

"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.

"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.

"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.

"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.

"When you get to be my age, you'll understand.

25. My father taught me about JUSTICE .

"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!Ē
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Old 12-02-2017, 18:20   #1984
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Re: The New Joke Thread

So true D&D......
But I just like to think of it as
"Unconditional Love!"
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Old 12-02-2017, 22:15   #1985
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Re: The New Joke Thread

How are a mole and an eagle the same?

They both can fly... except for the mole.
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Old 12-02-2017, 22:19   #1986
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Re: The New Joke Thread

For all you school teachers out there...

I have an English joke: Past, Present and Future walk into a bar. It was tense.

I have a Math joke: If you're cold go stand in the corner. It's 90 degrees.
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Old 12-02-2017, 23:36   #1987
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by ur2slo View Post
A woman is having a hard time meeting men and dating.
She has fought it for years and is now getting desperate.
She seeks medical advice, thinking it might be a physical issue unknown to her. After years of tests, blood work ups and such, (yes year's, its OBAMACARE), she finally gets referred to a specialist.

But he is not an ordinary specialist, he specializes in Oriental medicine and natural cures. He is well known for his clinical studies of ancient remedies.

Her day comes for her appointment at his clinic. She arrives early, does the precursory paperwork and blah,blah, blah.

Nurse takes her to examination room and says to go ahead and remove your clothes and put on the gown Dr will be right in....

So now she's waiting, and waiting, and shivering, and waiting and finally the DR arrives.

Polite, typical Oriental demeanor. Gets right to the point. Looks at her charts, test results and such.

Says he cant find any reason to explain her anguish at having such dreadful, to her, issues.

She is devastated , was hoping to finally have her love.

The Dr. says, as she slowly rises to begin dressing. He says wait, let me try one more thing, in his broken English, she hears a glint of hope.

He asks her to walk away from him, remain facing away, bend over and put your hands on your knee's and look thru your legs at me, with the gown open in the rear.

She thinks, ok that's strange, but what the heck. So she bends over and looks him straight in the eye...........

And just a glint in his eye tells her... ok? what?

He tells her to stand and face him and excitedly exclaims..........

"That's it, you have exachories disease"

She has never heard of it, so she ask's him, "exachories disease? What is exachories disease?"

He looks her in the eye and says.........

"Your face looks exachtorly like your ass"
Well, that took awhile to get there, but it was worth it...Laughed my *ss off!!!
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Old 13-02-2017, 00:23   #1988
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kenomac View Post
Here's what is probably the worst "How to" video ever make:
OK. I laughed so hard, I had tears in my eyes, and got asthma...I need to find my inhaler.
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Old 13-02-2017, 14:33   #1989
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Re: The New Joke Thread

These stupid marine toilet seat hinges are so cheep they keep breaking off. But I think I found a better better use for the new ones. Works great in the cockpit, as long as I can stay up right.





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Old 13-02-2017, 15:10   #1990
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Re: The New Joke Thread

You could always put non-skid on it! LOL.

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Old 13-02-2017, 15:40   #1991
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The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by Ann T. Cate View Post
You could always put non-skid on it! LOL!

A.


Do you put the non-skid on the sitter or the sittee?
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Old 14-02-2017, 03:11   #1992
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A husband and wife are trying to setup a new password on their computer. The husband puts "Mypenis" and the wife falls over laughing because of the error message on the screen, which says:

"Error: Not long enough."
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Old 14-02-2017, 19:19   #1993
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Re: The New Joke Thread

As you all probably know we've had a rough winter. Here in the PNW we had two feet of snow.




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Old 14-02-2017, 19:38   #1994
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Gotta credit the American judicial system for discovering a new use of a teaspoon when they handed Donald his nuts
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Old 15-02-2017, 16:23   #1995
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by topmast View Post
Gotta credit the American judicial system for discovering a new use of a teaspoon when they handed Donald his nuts
Don't get it? Where's the humor?
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