The New Joke Thread

[delmarrey]

Originally Posted by Therapy

I THOUGHT GETTING OLD WOULD TAKE LONGER.

If I knew I would live THIS long, I would have taken better care of myself.

[svmariane]

Originally Posted by Therapy

I THOUGHT GETTING OLD WOULD TAKE LONGER.

Got a bit of Swedish blood from my mother's side of the family tree, but the majority is Russian blood lines. A few of the Swedes lived into their 90s but just about all of those Russians died in their early sixties - vodka and cigarettes no doubt had nothing to do with anything.

The answer was obvious: retire in my early 50s, buy a boat, and play around tropical beaches drinking vodka and smoking untill I follow the Russian way.

Now? Coming up on my 69th birthday with no Ill health indicators.


Damn Swedes.

[GILow]

Originally Posted by svmariane

Now? Coming up on my 69th birthday with no Ill health indicators.

I would have thought that the fact you are on a boat is at least some cause for concern about your mental health.

[HopCar]

A fellow once told me I should live fast, die young and leave a beautiful corpse.
Oops, too late.

[GILow]

Originally Posted by HopCar

A fellow once told me I should live fast, die young and leave a beautiful corpse.
Oops, too late.

1 out of 3 ain’t too bad.

[LakeSuperior]

You know how when your mouth waters when someone's grilling?

Do vegans drool when someone is outside and is mowing their lawn?

[LakeSuperior]

My folks went to a planet with no bilateral symmetry.

And all they brought me was this lousy F-shirt.

[LakeSuperior]

Having too much sex can cause memory loss.

I read it on page 37 in a medical journal.

On November 2006 at 4:19 pm.

[CaptTom]

Originally Posted by LakeSuperior

Having too much sex can cause memory loss.

I read it on page 37 in a medical journal.

On November 2006 at 4:19 pm.

What? You forgot the name of the journal ALREADY?

[boatman61]

Originally Posted by LakeSuperior

Having too much sex can cause memory loss.

I read it on page 37 in a medical journal.

On November 2006 at 4:19 pm.

Paragraph 4..

[transmitterdan]

I can’t remember what day it is...

[GordMay]

Some people believe Earth is flat. Some people believe the Trump administration is using a seedy internet forum to send coded messages about Satanic paedophile rings. Some believe the U.S. government eradicated all birds in 2001, and replaced them with surveillance drones.

The Birds Aren’t Real movement:
Recent surveys have revealed that 99.5% of the general public still believe in "Birds." I know, I was shocked too. That said, it is our DUTY as Bird Truthers to remove the blinders from their eyes and welcome them into the light of the truth. Together, we can shift society's perception of what flies above us.

"We needed a way to keep an eye on the American citizens without them knowing. It was imperative, for their own safety of course. We hired only the best. It took years. We designed, built, tested, failed. We persisted. Eventually, over decades, we had it. A fleet of covert technological surveillance devices unlike anything the world had ever seen. We called them, 'Birds'"
~ Richard Nixon (1978)

Look it all up.

[GordMay]

[GordMay]

More on post #5997
It is a simple fact that birds are not real, nondebatable. However, the actual meaning behind the objects we see in the sky is not known. Some people believe that these projectiles are actually government cameras deployed to spy on the general public. And quite frankly, looking at the facts, this theory becomes more and more true.
So let’s discuss the history behind this theory. In the mid-1950s, the government was formulating a plan to secretly kill off all the birds in existence. On May 6th, 1955, Director of the CIA, Allen Welsh Dulles, ordered 120 B-52 Bomber planes to be constructed in Nevada’s Area 51 in a valiant effort to not leave a trace of his actions. Unfortunately for him, the engineers were not talented at keeping secrets, as they painted “Area 51 or Bust” on the sides of their bus and sang songs with titles like “Let’s Kill All The Birds.” Despite being detected, the engineers made it to Area 51 to construct the B-52s. One of the surviving engineers claimed the ‘B’ in the name stood for ‘bird’ or ‘barack.’ In place of the bomb compartments, the engineers placed a 450-gallon water tank in the plane. There was also a very intricate radar system implemented into each plane to track large flocks of birds up to 200 miles away. These planes were also virtually undetectable against the night sky, with noise-reducing pads, matte black paint, and all lights being removed from the aircraft. After the two year project, the engineers were told they were free to return to their homes, however, 30 minutes into their trip, they were intercepted and were sent to the front lines of Vietnam, which the CIA hoped would ensure their death.
Now to get to the real info you came for. How were the birds actually exterminated? This is a very valid question. Remember the water tanks that were installed in the B-52s? Well, the government filled this tanks with specially designed bird poison. This poison was sprayed down from an altitude of 8,000 feet and was designed to dissolve before it hit the ground so that only birds would be affected by this genocide. Once a single drop of the poison struck the birds feathers, the virus would take hold through the fibers and make its way into the bloodstream. The virus would then affect the bone structure in such a way that total decomposition of the birds would take place within 24 hours.
On June 14th, 1969, the project “Water the Country” was initiated by the CIA and within 6 years, 72% of the bird population was exterminated. During the mass extermination, the first prototype of Robot Birds was released. Take a look at this hard evidence.
On October 25th, 1963, Kennedy was shown a prototype of the Turkey X500- a robot that specialized in killing larger birds like eagles and falcons. The robot displayed its surveillance skills, as well as its ability to find and track escaped criminals. Kennedy was impressed with the design, however, didn’t agree with the extermination of the birds, and a month later, he was shot. Coincidence? I think not.
Now you know the history behind this theory. We are not here to convince you, we are just here to provide you with the hard facts of this atrocity in human history. Next time you look into the sky, just know that the government is looking back at you.

[bill352]

Originally Posted by GordMay

Now you know the history behind this theory. We are not here to convince you, we are just here to provide you with the hard facts of this atrocity in human history. Next time you look into the sky, just know that the government is looking back at you.

The "government"? That's what they want you to think. Careful research has shown that the watchers are known agents of the Trilateral Illuminati Commission of Bilderberg, who are planning a similar remove-and-replace operation for selected human beings, putting androids right among us for even closer surveillance. The change is set for September 19th, when everybody will be talking like a pirate and any glitches in the androids' speech patterns will not be noticed.


The plan and the date thereof are clearly predicted in the secret Code of Biblical Prophecy, whose location and full contents I dare not reveal.


A minor footnote - as an aid to further obfuscation, the original flying drone unit was designated B1-RD.