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Old 04-10-2019, 11:03   #6736
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by LakeSuperior View Post
A popular refrain in the US now...


If you like Subpoena Coladas...

And getting caught in Ukraine...







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Old 04-10-2019, 11:17   #6737
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Those last two....hurt!
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Old 04-10-2019, 11:59   #6738
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by socaldmax View Post
It's kind of like an underwater nuclear powered taxi service. The only ones who know where they went and what they did were the guys wearing dry suits and rebreathers.



Split fins, really? Widen did they give on on Jet Fins, splits are for little girls
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Old 04-10-2019, 12:01   #6739
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by LakeSuperior View Post
A popular refrain in the US now...

If you like Subpoena Coladas...
And getting caught in Ukraine...
Oh, Oh!! Can everyone play?


If you like Subpoena Coladas, and getting caught in Ukraine
If you're not into collusion, if you have half a brain
If you like giving testimony, in the Congress debate
I'm the lawyer that you've looked for, just plead the fifth while you wait



Standby.... I've sent off an email to "Weird Al" Yankovic requesting fully deniable collaboration on a full-song satire. I expect a reply any minute now. Yup. Any minute....


p.s. By the way, what rhymes with Giuliani besides: pastrami, salami, tsunami, nagasaki, origami, sukiyaki ? Asking for a friend.
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Old 04-10-2019, 12:50   #6740
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Re: The New Joke Thread

2 syllables: money, donny, fawny, brawny, scrawny, tawney, zany

Also shawnee, bonnie, connie, johnny, lonnie, lonny, ronnie, Sony, sonny, yoni

3 syllables: afghani, bahraini, soprani, tehrani

Also bhutani, biryani, gianni, giovanni, irani, romani, tiffani, tympani, villani

4 syllables: "thereupon he", frangipani, hindustani

Also adriane, biriani, kazakhstani, kyrgyzstani, punxatauney, rajasthani, teherani

5 syllables: afghanistani

Also azerbaijani, modigliani, tajikistani, uzbekistani
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Old 04-10-2019, 12:53   #6741
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Re: The New Joke Thread

how about

Baloney?
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Old 04-10-2019, 13:02   #6742
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by svmariane View Post
Oh, Oh!! Can everyone play?


If you like Subpoena Coladas, and getting caught in Ukraine
If you're not into collusion, if you have half a brain
If you like giving testimony, in the Congress debate
I'm the lawyer that you've looked for, just plead the fifth while you wait



Standby.... I've sent off an email to "Weird Al" Yankovic requesting fully deniable collaboration on a full-song satire. I expect a reply any minute now. Yup. Any minute....


p.s. By the way, what rhymes with Giuliani besides: pastrami, salami, tsunami, nagasaki, origami, sukiyaki ? Asking for a friend.
Ha, here you go. BTW, I went to college with Al Yankovic at Cal Poly, he was awesome from the get go, so greatly enjoyed it when he was the DJ on the campus radio station, KCPR, Cal Poly Radio. I have bolded some that would seem to flow well.

And one could easily go with a parody of the Name Game song.

Zelensky is not far from Guiliani if you toss in an Italian accent.

Words and phrases that rhyme with giuliani: (278 results)

2 syllables:
bonney, bonnie, bonny, brawny, chani, chauny, ciani, connie, conny, crani, dani, daughney, dhony, doney, donnee, donnie, donny , fanni, fauni, fawny, ghani, grani, gyani, jani, johnie, johnnie, johnny, johny, jonnie, jonny, lani, lawny, loni, lonnie, lonny, mani, mauney, mohney, monnie, as in "follow the", nonie, nonni, nonny, onni, on he, plani, rani, ronni, ronnie, as in Reagan perhaps, ronny, sawney, scrawny, shani, shawnee, shawny, sonnie, spawny, swaney, tani, tawnee, tawney, tawnie, tawny, trani, vonnie, vonny, yani, yawny, yianni, yonnie, zani

3 syllables:
adjani, advani, afghani, ahwahnee, alani, albani, amani, anani, arani, armani, avani, bahraini, banani, barani, barany, bayani, bemani, bhutani, biryani, bonanni, brahmani, brittani, bustani, calcanei, calvani, cassani, cattani, celani, centanni, decani, domani, dulany, durrani, emani, faconne, falani, focsani, fulani, gaetani, galvani, garmany, germani, gianni, gilani, giordani, giovani, giovanni, gorani, guarani, hanani, hasani, hemani, hernani, ianni, imani, irani, itani, jamdani, jelani, juhani, kabbani, kahani, kajaani, kalani, kalyani, kashani, kewanee, kewaunee, kiani, konkani, kozani, kutani, leilani, likhyani, litani, magnani, makhani, marjani, melani, i.e., first lady,, milani, mitanni, molony, mopani, murjani, nonane, oldani, omani, organi, otani, pagani, patani, piani, pisani, podany, punani, quievoni, rabbani, rajani, romani, roxani, rudani, savane, savanne, schipani, sclafani, settanni, sherwani, shintani, siani, soltani, soprani, sorani, suwannee, tapani, tehrani, therani, tiffani, toscani, trapani, troiani, tympani, umani, unani, urbani, varani, viani, villani, yamane, yamani, yunani

4 syllables:
adriane, agbayani, al-battani, alamanni, alemanni, almadani, biriani, bisiani, bongiovanni, capitani, carcassonne, castellani, catalani, catarrhini, cinquemani, cipriani, colaianni, cristiani, dagestani, damiani, digiovanni, eridani, fabiani, frangipani, frediani, gallerani, gemignani, giovane, graziani, guiliani, hindoostani, hindostani, hindustani, illimani, isolani, kahalani, kazakhstani, kisangani, kyrgyzstani, larijani, maharanee, maharani, marchesani, marcomanni, mariani, mastrianni, mastroianni, mililani, nakatani, nuristani, pirestani, punxatauney, rafsanjani, rajasthani, sabachthani, satriani, sebastiani, sirianni, spallanzani, spaziani, teherani, thereupon he, ukogbani, viviani

5 syllables:
afghanistani, antiheroine, azerbaijani, castrogiovanni, geminiani, mastrogiovanni, meridiani, modigliani, notarianni, ottaviani, tajikistani, tupi-guarani, uzbekistani
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Old 04-10-2019, 13:06   #6743
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Yes fact that Orange Julius called his wife Melanie, if you pronounce it Mel-AH-nee
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Old 04-10-2019, 13:12   #6744
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by john61ct View Post
2 syllables... (and etc. etc. etc.)
Hey, thanks for ALL those words! You have quite the vocabulary!
I especially appreciate your including "tapani", which is Finish for" boxing day", seeing how the US Pres. just had a press conference with the Finish President which turned into a boxing match twixt Trump and the press.

Good joke!

Edit: Seems some posts were deleted or modified while I was creating my reply. Oh, well.....
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Old 04-10-2019, 15:48   #6745
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Re: The New Joke Thread

#Meanwhile In Russia


A sad guy walks into a bar and asks for a whole bottle of vodka.

The bartender sits the bottle in front of him and asks "oh boy, you look like ****, what happened?". The man answers "I just found out my brother is gay".

The next day, the same guy walks into the same bar and asks for two bottles of vodka. The bartender asks "ok, what happened this time?", to which the man answers "Today my son confessed to be gay!"

The next day, once again the same guy walks into the bar and orders three bottles of vodka. "Dude, is there anyone in your family that likes women?", asks the bartender. "Yes", answered the man, "my wife".
***

A man comes to the shop:
- Give me a bottle of vodka and a bottle of Coca-cola.
Half an hour later he comes again:
- Give me a bottle of vodka and a bottle of Coca-cola.
An hour later he comes again:
- Give me a bottle of vodka and a bottle of... of Sprite. It seems Coca-cola makes me sick!
***

From the files:

Mikhail Gorbachev wakes up late after a long night of worrying about the fate of the USSR over a bottle of vodka.

He's so late, in fact, that he tells his slow-driving limo driver to get out of the car so he can drive himself to the Kremlin. He's speeding down the highway from his dacha into downtown Moscow when he blazes past a cop car on the side of the road.

The first cop says to his partner, "Man, that guy's moving. Let's drive after him and give him a ticket!"

The partner says, "I don't know, man, with a limo like that, he's probably someone really important."

The other copy says, "I don't care, you heard what the party boss said in our monthly meeting. No more special treatment for officials, and plus, the USSR needs all the money we can get if we want to defeat the capitalists."

So they speed off after the limo and pull it over. The partner gets out of the car, walks up to the limo, and quickly turns back after just a few words with the driver without issuing a ticket. When he gets back to the cop car, his partner says, "What was that? I thought we said no special breaks! Who could be so important that you didn't give them a ticket?"

"I don't know," said the other cop, "but his driver was Gorbachev!"
***

Three men are in a hotel room in Moscow, Russia.

The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends loudly tell political jokes.

After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and asks the receptionist to bring tea to their room in five minutes.

The man walks back into the room, joins the table, leans towards a power outlet and speaks into it:

"Major, we want some tea to room 62 please."

His friends laugh on the joke, until there is a knock on the door. The receptionist brings a tea pot. His friends fall silent and pale, horrified of what they just witnessed. The party is dead, and the man goes to sleep.

After a good night's rest, the man wakes up, and notices his friends are gone. Surprised, he walks downstairs and asks the receptionist where they went.

The nervous receptionist whispers that the FSB came and took them before dawn.

The man is horrified. He wonders why he was spared.

The receptionist responds:

"Well, the Major did quite like your tea gag."
***

A Russian Spetsnaz unit is flying to Ukraine and the Captain tries to motivate the troops: "Men, for every Ukrainian head you will get a bottle of vodka."

The plane lands, the bording ramp lowers, the soldiers scatter. In a few minutes they return and everyone has brought a couple of heads. The Captain is all pale and sweating: "**** boys, this is just a refueling stopover in Kursk!"

(Oh heck, just look at google maps if you don't get it.)

***

I work at an unusual restaurant......

The owner is woman name Lily who liked to drink a lot. She had the restaurant’s logo, the label from a bottle of vodka, drawn on everything. Chairs, tables, light fixtures, bathroom sinks, etc. They were everywhere! Worse yet, it was done with a #2 pencil. The weird owner would also keep all the larger serving spoons on the top shelf. It was high enough that some of us couldn’t reach them.

One day, Lily purchased two step stools specifically for reaching the ladles. As per the restaurant theme, they had to have hundreds of the small labels penciled all over them. The artist she hired was an elderly lady. She was very well educated, but tired out easily. The elderly lady had finished the first one and needed to take a short break. The owner came storming into the kitchen, very drunk and demanding why the first one was done, but not second. She tried to answer, but Lily was too wasted to listen. This really irked me, so I spoke up and said...

“You're literally lit, Lily. Let the literate letter lady litter little lead liter labels on the latter little ladle ladder later.”
***

Putin is visiting a big factory for a photo op, and he decides to get the opinions of the common man. He walks up to one of the line workers and says, "My friend, I hear alcoholism is a big problem in Russia. Tell me, do you think you could still do your job if you drank a bottle of vodka in the morning?"

The worker thinks and says, "Well... I suppose so."

Putin frowns because that wasn't the answer he was expecting, but presses on: "Do you think you could still do your job if you'd had two bottles of vodka in the morning?" The worker nods and says he probably could. Putin, now becoming exasperated, asks: "What if you'd had *three* bottles?"

The worker replies, "I'm here, aren't I?"
***

Old Russian Ode to Love


My darling, my lover, could have been wife,
Marrying you would have messed up my life.
I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.
Kind, intelligent, loving and very hot;
This describes everything you are not.
I love your smile, your face and your eyes,
I'm really DAMN good at telling lies!
My feelings for you, no words can tell,
Except maybe I want you to 'Go to hell!'
What inspired this amazing rhyme?
A bottle of vodka and one part lime!
***

PLEASE! If you wish to refer to aything in this post DO NOT quote/repost the entire thing! A little judicial editing within the quote brackets is allowed. Really. For example: "A Russian walks into a bar and orders vodka." That's all you need because almost everybody can come up with a punch line. Trust me. I'm half Russian on my father's side.

Just FYI, but the first time I was in Moscow (way back when) I made a side trip to visit relatives. Did you know that it is Russian tradition to throw away the cap when opening a vodka bottle? But do you know why?
<pause.... pause...pause>

Because in Russia, for oh so many years, vodka bottles didn't have screw-on caps or corks, just a non-reusable, pull off, metal/tin tab. Waste not, want not. Now you know.
***

P.S. Pro Tip: The secret to communicating with somebody when you don't share a common language is one point zero eight bottles of vodka.


P.P.S. American humorist Will Rogers noted in 1924 that Russians kept their precise recipe for vodka a secret. "Nobody in the world knows what it is made of," he said. "And the reason I tell you that is that the story of vodka is the story of Russia. Nobody knows what Russia is made of, or what it is liable to cause its inhabitants to do."
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Old 05-10-2019, 08:18   #6746
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by svmariane View Post
"I don't know," said the other cop, "but his driver was Gorbachev!"
The way I heard it, it was in Rome, and the "driver" was the Pope.

I think the Pope version is a little better. But thanks for all the Russian jokes anyway. There were some keepers in there!
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Old 05-10-2019, 08:37   #6747
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Re: The New Joke Thread

See ya fellers. I'm Russian off to the boat.





Not very good pun.
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Old 05-10-2019, 10:30   #6748
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by svmariane View Post
#Meanwhile In Russia
....
I work at an unusual restaurant......
...
“You're literally lit, Lily. Let the literate letter lady litter little lead liter labels on the latter little ladle ladder later.”
***
I followed the "ell" words up to "ladder" but cannot figure out how it fits the rest of the punch line. Can someone explain it to this feeble minded former cruiser?
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Old 05-10-2019, 10:49   #6749
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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The way I heard it, it was in Rome, and the "driver" was the Pope.
For me yes the Pope, came out when I was a kid, he was visiting the UN in NYC, joke was he's speeding down the FDR Drive.
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Old 05-10-2019, 11:25   #6750
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Hey! All you "The way I heard it was..." people: Pub rules are that you owe a beer to whoever you're riffing off. Meet me at O'Leary's this Tues eve.


Meanwhile In North Korea

Kim Jong Un asked a well known North Korean composer to create a piece for him. The composer had many months to find people to play, and to write a piece. Once it was performed on stage, it sounded terrible. The players weren't synchronized, and they were all playing the wrong notes. That night the composer was set to be executed.

Before the composer was put in the electric chair, he asked for a extremely spicy curry. When they shocked him, nothing happened. Kim Jong Un saw this as a miracle, and allowed him to have a second chance.

Once again, the composer was given many months to prepare another piece, and then came the time to perform. Like the first time, the entire orchestra was in disarray, with some people even droping their instruments. The compose was to be executed that night.

Again, before he was shocked, he asked for another curry, one so spicy that flames would appear. His wish was granted, and after he finished, was shocked. Except he didn't die. Kim Jong Un was in a good mood that day, and allowed him to have another chance.

Once again, the composer was given time to gather more people to play, and to write another song. On the day of the performance, the same thing happened. Nothing went right in the performance, it was even worse than the previous ones. Kim Jong Un was furious, and that night, once again, the composer was put in the electric chair.

Ths time, he asked for another curry, the spiciest in the world. Kim Jong Un refused his request, and lead on with the execution. The president wanted to personally press the button to lead to his death. After it was pressed, nothing happened, Kim Jong Un pressed it once more to make sure he wasn't imagining things, but there sat the composer, without even a scratch on him. Too shocked for words, the president stammared "H-how??". The composer looked at him and grinned, saying "The curry didn't have anything to do with it, i'm just a bad conductor!"

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