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Old 31-07-2019, 04:32   #5971
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Re: The New Joke Thread

“The thing about quotes from the Internet is that it is difficult to define their authenticity.”
~ Abraham Lincoln, 1933
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Old 31-07-2019, 10:11   #5972
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Re: The New Joke Thread

My wife sighed, “Why does everything have to be a game with you?”

I replied, “An excellent question, my dear. But next time, please use the buzzer!”
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Old 31-07-2019, 10:12   #5973
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Re: The New Joke Thread

My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with wearing different clothes every half an hour...

I said, “Wait, I can change!"
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Old 31-07-2019, 12:11   #5974
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The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by JPA Cate View Post
Oh, Gord,

I'm still wearing thermal underwear I got 30+ yrs. ago! But only when I'm silly enough to go somewhere that feels cold.

Ann


I gave all mine to good will. I have no use for it now, but I had a lot of cold weather clothes
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Old 01-08-2019, 23:39   #5975
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A chicken pie in Jamaica costs $1.50.

A chicken pie in Trinidad costs $1.75.

A chicken pie in St Kitts costs $2.50.

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean!
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Old 01-08-2019, 23:59   #5976
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Re: The New Joke Thread

But what are the rates for snake and pygmy pies?
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Old 02-08-2019, 00:04   #5977
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by delmarrey View Post
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs $1.50.

A chicken pie in Trinidad costs $1.75.

A chicken pie in St Kitts costs $2.50.

...and a chicken pie in Bray (UK) costs about $250

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...but only if it's a Heston Bluementhal 'special'....
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Old 02-08-2019, 04:37   #5978
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Re: The New Joke Thread

I was inspired by a church sign that read “Tell someone that they matter”

I pulled my daughter aside and said to her in my most sincere voice: “Unlike energy, you occupy space and possess rest mass.”
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Old 02-08-2019, 04:38   #5979
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A girl agreed to go out with me after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.

Schwepped her off her feet.
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Old 02-08-2019, 04:39   #5980
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Re: The New Joke Thread

How should a farmer dress so he doesn't get attacked by his chickens?

Impeccably!
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Old 02-08-2019, 09:49   #5981
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Re: The New Joke Thread

I LOOK AT PEOPLE AND SOMETIMES THINK "REALLY? -- THAT'S THE SPERM THAT WON?"
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Old 02-08-2019, 09:49   #5982
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Re: The New Joke Thread

IF MY BODY IS EVER FOUND ON A JOGGING TRAIL JUST KNOW THAT I WAS MURDERED SOMEWHERE ELSE AND DUMPED THERE.
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Old 02-08-2019, 09:50   #5983
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Re: The New Joke Thread

SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER LEFT UNSAID -- AND I USUALLY REALIZE IT RIGHT AFTER I SAY THEM.
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Old 02-08-2019, 09:51   #5984
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Re: The New Joke Thread

I THOUGHT GETTING OLD WOULD TAKE LONGER.
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Old 02-08-2019, 10:35   #5985
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Therapy View Post
I LOOK AT PEOPLE AND SOMETIMES THINK "REALLY? -- THAT'S THE SPERM THAT WON?"
First kum, first serve.
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