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Old 27-04-2015, 20:30   #1
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The New Joke Thread

Apparently, the previous joke thread was getting too long, so it has been closed.

In the interests of humour everywhere, it begins all over again, here:

The acronyms of "Wife" and "Husband":

His view:

Washing
Ironing
F***ing
Etc….

Handy
Useful
Sensible
Brave
Altruistic
Noble
Dashing

Her view:

World-weary
Intelligent
Female
Educator

Hopelessly
Unworthy
Stupid
Bastard;
Abilities
Debatable
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Old 27-04-2015, 22:32   #2
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Where's the "n"?
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Old 27-04-2015, 22:42   #3
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Women can't spell.....
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Old 27-04-2015, 22:44   #4
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Re: The New Joke Thread

OH, alright....

Nebulous
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Old 27-04-2015, 22:57   #5
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Why is walking into a bar like eating furniture..???
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
It's hard to avoid passing a stool......
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Old 28-04-2015, 10:37   #6
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Buzzman View Post
Apparently, the previous joke thread was getting too long, so it has been closed.

In the interests of humour everywhere, it begins all over again, here:

The acronyms of "Wife" and "Husband":

His view:

Washing
Ironing
F***ing
Etc.

Handy
Useful
Sensible
Brave
Altruistic
Noble
Dashing

Her view:

World-weary
Intelligent
Female
Educator

Hopelessly
Unworthy
Stupid
Bastard;
Abilities
Debatable

Too bad she couldn't spell "Husband" correctly. Back to the kitchen!!


No whining!!! It's a joke!!!!!!!!!
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Old 28-04-2015, 10:38   #7
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Re: The New Joke Thread




I think I'm starting to get the hang of this Political Correctness crap!
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Old 28-04-2015, 17:44   #8
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Yeah, sorry, my bad, I lef the 'N' out by mistake.

Really I only included the 'husband' section so as to refute any PC claims for only including the 'W.I.F.E" acronym, as this is the only one I've always known....

But I'm sure SWL or another of our female bucketeers can come up with additional versions of the former.

The 'original' joke, as told in numerous bars and locker rooms over the years, is:

"What does WIFE stand for...?"

I've never actually heard anyone use the 'what does 'HUSBAND' stand for....

Maybe I dont get out enough....????

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Old 28-04-2015, 18:25   #9
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A research group on sea mammals captured a rather odd porpoise on one of its trips.

Its peculiarity was that it had feet. After they had photographed and measured the poor thing, they prepared to set it free.

"Wait a minute," said one of the researchers, "Wouldn't it be a kindness if our ship's doctor here were to amputate the feet so that it would be like other porpoises?" "Not on your life," exclaimed the doctor,


"That would be defeeting the porpoise."



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Old 28-04-2015, 19:14   #10
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Re: The New Joke Thread

I'm tired. Really tired. For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much partying, but now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked.

The population of this country is 237 million.

104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.

Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me.

And you're sitting there reading jokes.
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Old 28-04-2015, 19:17   #11
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Jane walked into a pharmacy, strolled over to the counter, and caught the pharmacist's attention.

"Can I please get some arsenic?" she asked.

"Arsenic? What do you want arsenic for?" asked the pharmacist.

"It's for my husband," she replied.

"Your husband?" exclaimed the pharmacist, "I hope you don't mean what I think you mean!"

She just nodded.

"Well, lady," he replied, "I'm an honest man. I can't sell you arsenic, I wouldn't if I could, and I don't know what made you think you could just stroll into a respectable store and expect me me to sell you arsenic.!"

She didn't say a word. She just reached into her purse, fished out a photograph, and handed it across the counter. It was a picture of her husband, in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

Slowly the pharmacist looks up, over the counter, and then straight at her. "Lady," he said, "why didn't you tell me you had a prescription?"
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Old 28-04-2015, 19:22   #12
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Well, as long as we're posting things that are going to get us in trouble with the better half of this board:

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Old 28-04-2015, 19:28   #13
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Re: The New Joke Thread

My wife left me a note saying I should try out for "American Idle."

But the joke is on her because she spelled it wr--- hey, wait a minute!
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Old 28-04-2015, 19:41   #14
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A guy phones a law office and says, "I want to speak to my lawyer."

The receptionist replies, "I'm sorry but he died last week."

The next day he phones again and asks the same question. The receptionist replies, "I told you yesterday, he died last week."

The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer. By this time the receptionist is getting annoyed and replies, "I keep telling you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?"


The guy responds, "Because I just love hearing it."
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Old 28-04-2015, 22:06   #15
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Two old friends are sitting at a bar having a few beers. One friend looks down the end of the bar and laughs. He nudges his buddy and says, "see those two crusty old drunk bastards? That's us in 20 years!" His friend replies, "that's a mirror, moron."

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