The New Joke Thread

[CatNewBee]

Originally Posted by chrisr

here in oz we are only allowed 5 people at a wedding but 10 at a funeral. no ones knows whether if you have a combined wedding / funeral that means you can have 15...

cheers,

Thats why Hollywood had "Four weddings and a funeral" ...
They have seen it comming already in 1994...

[chrisr]

Originally Posted by ArmyDaveNY

Is that five for him and five for her, or five total? If five for each side then that makes it the same. Unless of course, if the corpse is included as one of the ten. That would require one less at the wedding to make things fair.

nope...5 in total. 1 x minister + 1 x bride + 1 x groom (or 2 brides or 2 grooms these politically correct days) + 2 x witnesses = 5 in total

not sure if the deceased is included in the 10...

cheers,

[CaptTom]

Originally Posted by chrisr

nope...5 in total. 1 x minister + 1 x bride + 1 x groom (or 2 brides or 2 grooms these politically correct days) + 2 x witnesses = 5 in total.

And the end of the ceremony has changed just a bit:

"You may now get within six feet of the bride."

[LakeSuperior]

The main reason people write "Congrats" is because they can't spell Congrajalashins.

[LakeSuperior]

Three crazy people in a mental asylum have to take their exams to see if they've made any progress. A doctor walks in front of them and asks the first crazy guy, "Three times four?"

He answers, "Wednesday."

He moves on to the second and asks, "Three times four?"

He says, "1592."

Then he asks the last one, "Three times four?"

He says, "Easy, 12."

The doctor, surprised, says, "How did you come up with that?"

"It's easy, I divided Wednesday by 1592."

[LakeSuperior]

A Saudi Prince wants to buy a bull, so he goes to see a famous Russian bovine breeder.

The Russian tells him, "I have many good animal. Here is Swedish bull, is born black color, but color turns white when grows."

"Over there is American bull. Color when born is red, but become dark brown when full grown."

"And here, Turkish bull. They is born dark brown, but grow up to be light brown color."

The prince says, "I rather like the Turkish bulls. Fine specimens indeed."

"Excellent choice, your majesty. But Turkish bull is special. They is bred for royalty, like you. But if you have royal blood, you must be bonding with bull calf when young, before they change color. Or they will reject you," the Russian explains.

"Well", the prince says, "I'm looking for a strong, adult bull. I'm not particularly interested in buying a calf. I rather like this big, beige bull over here."

The prince attempts to pet the large Turkish bull. It sniffs his hand, shakes its head in disgust, turns around and kicks the prince in the head with its hind legs.

The prince goes flying across the room and lands in a pile of hay.

"Where did you get such a horrible beast?! Why did it kick me!?" He sputters.

"I told you. From Turkey." The Russian explains. "Is tan bull, can't stand a noble."

[smbdyiam2]

starts simple get confusing.
looking for things to do I walk to mail box decide to count cars 30 minutes still 0. now 1 car comes from north goes by me and turns around at neighbor south of me, goes back to north dead end on north. 30 minutes later I quit counting. No more cars. so did I see 1 car pass or 2 cars pass, or same car pass twice, or since he went back home and didn't come back did I not see any? As in going back he erased the trip past me. I tried adding them all together and came up with 4.0 so what kind of average do I get? 1/6th an hour?

[LakeSuperior]

Wanna know what quarantine has really taught me?

That you don't really need fun to have alcohol.

[LakeSuperior]

What does space-time and apples have in common?

A wormhole.

[LakeSuperior]

They're pretty thin today. Lastly...


What does Spock use as birth control?

Vulcanized Rubber.

[Tom_F]

[socaldmax]

Talkative kid solution #1:

Put on an endless supply of kid's videos for him/her to watch.


Talkative kid solution #2:

"Hey! Let's play "Kidnapped!"" *grabs a full roll of duct tape from drawer*

"Now let's go down to the basement!"



While solution #1 usually works and requires the least amount of explanation to the cops later on, solution #2 is guaranteed to work as long as the kid lives. Plus it has longer lasting effects. All you have to do is open the tape drawer and the kid will stop in mid-sentence, unless he/she is a reeeally slow learner.

CAUTION: DO NOT forget the kid is down there. That's a whole different issue!


In the next lesson we will discuss reeeeeally slow learners and "hunting accidents."

[ozsailer]

Originally Posted by socaldmax

If you are going to use a bra as a face mask please ensure that you the left cup. It has been identified that if you use the other side you will look like a right tit



Greg H

[dfelsent]

Originally Posted by LakeSuperior

A Saudi Prince wants to buy a bull, so he goes to see a famous Russian bovine breeder.



The Russian tells him, "I have many good animal. Here is Swedish bull, is born black color, but color turns white when grows."



"Over there is American bull. Color when born is red, but become dark brown when full grown."



"And here, Turkish bull. They is born dark brown, but grow up to be light brown color."



The prince says, "I rather like the Turkish bulls. Fine specimens indeed."



"Excellent choice, your majesty. But Turkish bull is special. They is bred for royalty, like you. But if you have royal blood, you must be bonding with bull calf when young, before they change color. Or they will reject you," the Russian explains.



"Well", the prince says, "I'm looking for a strong, adult bull. I'm not particularly interested in buying a calf. I rather like this big, beige bull over here."



The prince attempts to pet the large Turkish bull. It sniffs his hand, shakes its head in disgust, turns around and kicks the prince in the head with its hind legs.



The prince goes flying across the room and lands in a pile of hay.



"Where did you get such a horrible beast?! Why did it kick me!?" He sputters.



"I told you. From Turkey." The Russian explains. "Is tan bull, can't stand a noble."

Ouch!

[Montanan]

HOW DO COURT RECORDERS KEEP STRAIGHT FACES????
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.