The New Joke Thread

[Simi 60]

Originally Posted by El Pinguino

A thought from a friend...

Suppose a time traveler had said to you 12 months ago..

'In 2020, the Italian governor of New York will close all the bars the day before St. Patrick's, and not a soul will peep in complaint."

How about Anzac day in Australia

https://www.sbs.com.au/news/anzac-da...to-coronavirus

[GordMay]

[Epicurean]

How's this for a pickup line?
"If the coronavirus doesn't take you out, can I?"

[GordMay]

[Saleen411]

Originally Posted by GordMay

It has been rumored that Dictator Kim Jong-Un executes anybody with the corona virus.

[svmariane]

#Meanwhile COVID-19. Updates from cyberspace.

John: 1st day working at home. My wife already filed a sexual harassment claim with HR.

Molly: Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don't know what to do about her.

Monica: Video call tips and tricks for WFH:

-everyone wants to see your cat
-no, seriously, why are you pushing your cat away
-more cat
-what if we just did a call with your cat?

Betty: I guess working remotely is okay, but it’s not nearly as much fun drinking at home instead of at the office.

Fred: ... so, NOW i can pick my nose at my desk......
(reply from Dave: Wait, we couldn't before?)

Erik: Experts recommend keeping your daily rituals even while working from home. Bonus: Conference call BINGO sheet.

[LakeSuperior]

My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:

1. A murderer
2. The police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking has arrived

[Eigenvector]

x=42 Stu

[El Pinguino]

Wow, just came out of Walmart and have never seen anything like this. There was NO toilet paper and I walked back up front to the service desk and asked if they had anymore anywhere else. The girl gave me a very rude 'NO' with a such a look of disgust that I would even ask. That was the longest walk back to the bathroom with my pants around my ankles ..

[LakeSuperior]

You know being self quarantined isn't even that boring...

But I am surprised that counted 7884 grains of rice in one pack, and 7892 in a second pack.

[LakeSuperior]

According to my doctor it should be ok for me to ignore social distancing on Saturdays and Sundays.

He said I have a weekend immune system.

[svmariane]

^^^^ Okay. Now THAT is funny! ^^^^

[rbk]

Just heading to Walmart to see if the nexxt shipment of sh*t tickets came in...

[Buzzman]

Originally Posted by LakeSuperior

You know being self quarantined isn't even that boring...

But I am surprised that counted 7884 grains of rice in one pack, and 7892 in a second pack.

Yes, okay, but how *long* was each grain....????

I'm at an average of 5.76mm.....


....but I'm only half way through the first 1kg packet of Jasmine Rice.


I suspect the Arborio and Basmati may prove to be somewhat different.

Who knew a pandemic could be so *fascinating*..????

[delmarrey]

1234567890


.