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Old 13-03-2020, 19:10   #8836
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by JoeRobertJr View Post
Corona Virus Run on Toilet Paper Mystery explained:
When one person sneezes coughs, 10 people s*** their pants.

FIFY
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Old 13-03-2020, 22:28   #8837
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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FIFY


Hang on, when converting from sneezes to coughs, don’t you have to move the decimal point to the right?
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Old 14-03-2020, 03:24   #8838
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Old 14-03-2020, 15:36   #8839
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Hang on, when converting from sneezes to coughs, don’t you have to move the decimal point to the right?
That's true, but not quite acurate.

See, coughing can expell almost 3,000 droplets as far as six metres, and as fast as 80.5 kph while sneezing can expell upwards of 100,000 droplettes as far as eight metres, and as fast as 161 kph. So when converting from sneezes (a larger unit) to coughs (a smaller unit) the decimal place is moved right.

Not by a factor of ten, though, but instead a factor of (1.2 X 33.33)( X 2) div by (6 div by 8) to the nth power {wherin N = number of people within a 3.5 metre radius div by Pi}. *1

Rule of thumb? Just move the decimal two places right. Close enough for government work and in a pandemic, well, does it really matter?



(Note: No rats, celebrities or politicians were injured or killed during the formulations of these calculation. Maybe a few bankers, but sometimes things happen. Okay, also maybe a few politicians.)

*1 = calculations subject to peer review
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Old 14-03-2020, 16:39   #8840
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The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by svmariane View Post
That's true, but not quite acurate.

See, coughing can expell almost 3,000 droplets as far as six metres, and as fast as 80.5 kph while sneezing can expell upwards of 100,000 droplettes as far as eight metres, and as fast as 161 kph. So when converting from sneezes (a larger unit) to coughs (a smaller unit) the decimal place is moved right.

Not by a factor of ten, though, but instead a factor of (1.2 X 33.33)( X 2) div by (6 div by 8) to the nth power {wherin N = number of people within a 3.5 metre radius div by Pi}. *1

Rule of thumb? Just move the decimal two places right. Close enough for government work and in a pandemic, well, does it really matter?



(Note: No rats, celebrities or politicians were injured or killed during the formulations of these calculation. Maybe a few bankers, but sometimes things happen. Okay, also maybe a few politicians.)

*1 = calculations subject to peer review


Cruisers forum.... where else can you find this kind of hard-core science that gets to the heart of the matter?
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Old 15-03-2020, 03:01   #8841
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Cruisers forum.... where else can you find this kind of hard-core science that gets to the heart of the matter?
Yup.... This kind of talent is nothin to sneeze at !
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Old 15-03-2020, 04:34   #8842
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Re: The New Joke Thread

> as fast as 80.5 kph while sneezing can expell upwards of 100,000 droplettes as far as eight metres, and as fast as 161 kph

Doncha just love it when a researcher gives an approximation that is probably to the nearest 10 mph at best (50 and 100 mph) and some reporter does a metric conversion to 3 significant figures :0
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Old 15-03-2020, 04:45   #8843
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by StuM View Post
> as fast as 80.5 kph while sneezing can expell upwards of 100,000 droplettes as far as eight metres, and as fast as 161 kph

Doncha just love it when a researcher gives an approximation that is probably to the nearest 10 mph at best (50 and 100 mph) and some reporter does a metric conversion to 3 significant figures :0


Having dealt with a few reporters when I was a financial analyst, I can confirm that math usually isn't their strongest subject.
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Old 15-03-2020, 05:34   #8844
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Here’s a real joke. Who talks like this.....

https://youtu.be/Df2Nh0qL0ZM

I had to listen to it 3 times to make any sense of it.
Give it a try!
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Old 15-03-2020, 05:40   #8845
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by GordMay View Post
According to Wikipedia, Sutton committed suicide by carbon monoxide poisoning in March 2009, aged 62, rather than report to federal prison (18 month sentence) after being convicted of offenses related to moonshining and illegal firearm possession.
Before his rise to fame at around 60 years of age, he had been in trouble with the law several times, but had avoided prison sentences. He was convicted in 1974 of selling untaxed liquor[4][7] and in 1981 and 1985 on charges of possessing controlled substances and assault with a deadly weapon, but he received only probation sentences in those cases.
The reason he avoided prison sentences was because the local judges got their shine from him. The last judge was federal, and hadn't tried his moonshine.
The story I was telling about him that night was how he accidentally ran over his partner 5 times. Rip doesn't fit, but he was quite the character even for around here.
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Old 15-03-2020, 06:35   #8846
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by delmarrey View Post
Here’s a real joke. Who talks like this.....

https://youtu.be/Df2Nh0qL0ZM

I had to listen to it 3 times to make any sense of it.
Give it a try!
So you spent over 2 hours of time listening to a paper about the possibility of time not progressing in a linear sense except we cannot comprehend time that does not behave in such a way. I am digging the irony.
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Old 15-03-2020, 10:33   #8847
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Daughter: Papa, is it true there used to be people who didn't believe in vaccines?

Me: Very much so!

Her: What happened to them?

Me: Years ago, before the erection of the great domes we live in, there was a young scientist who traveled the world. His name was Charles Darwin...
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Old 15-03-2020, 10:33   #8848
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Daughter: Papa, I'm going to emigrate to Mars.

Me: No! It's an unlivable hellscape with only a handful of people, all trapped in dome cities!

Daughter: The punchline's too obvious.

Me: I'll get my coat. I'm coming with you.
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Old 15-03-2020, 10:34   #8849
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Christmas time!

Telling your daughter a bedtime story about Santa living in a giant submarine at the North Pole, followed by singing "I'm dreaming of a wet Christmas."

We end with a quiet round of sobbing and another soy whisky.
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Old 15-03-2020, 10:37   #8850
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Re: The New Joke Thread

CALLER: Is this Gordon's Pizza?

GOOGLE: No sir, it's Google Pizza.

CALLER: I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry.

GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Gordon's Pizza last month.

CALLER: OK. I would like to order a pizza.

GOOGLE: Do you want your usual, sir?

CALLER: My usual? You know me?

GOOGLE: According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called
you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni,
mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.

CALLER: OK! That's what I want...

GOOGLE: May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes
and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust?

CALLER: What? I detest vegetables!

GOOGLE: Your cholesterol is not good, sir.

CALLER: How do you know?!

GOOGLE: Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records.
We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.

CALLER: Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol.

GOOGLE: Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly.
According to our database, you purchased only a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drug RX Network, 4 months ago.

CALLER: I bought more from another drugstore.

GOOGLE: That doesnąt show on your credit card statement.

CALLER: I paid in cash.

GOOGLE: But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.

CALLER: I have other sources of cash.

GOOGLE: That doesn't show on your last tax return unless you bought them
using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.

CALLER: WHAT THE ?

GOOGLE: I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.

CALLER: Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others. I'm going to an island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone service, and no one to watch me or spy on me.

GOOGLE: I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first.
It expired 6 weeks ago...
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