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Old 27-03-2020, 03:07   #9016
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Old 27-03-2020, 04:44   #9017
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Re: The New Joke Thread

There was a long line at 7:45 am today at the grocery store that opened at 8 for seniors only.

A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane.

He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away.

As he approached the line for the 3rd time he said, "If you all don't let me unlock the door, you'll never get in there."
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Old 27-03-2020, 09:40   #9018
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Caution political joke!!!!


So Boris Johnson has tested positive for COVID-19...

Anyone else concerned with how quickly the virus has jumped from human to politician?
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Old 27-03-2020, 09:41   #9019
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Re: The New Joke Thread

3.1415% of sailors are...

pi-rats.
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Old 27-03-2020, 09:42   #9020
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Re: The New Joke Thread

I said to my wife, "When I die," I'd like to die having sex."

She replied, "At least we know it'll be quick."
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Old 27-03-2020, 09:47   #9021
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by LakeSuperior View Post
3.1415% of sailors are...

pi-rats.
last 2 years when medical staff ask my pain level I've said pi. They say no number between 1-10.

I say yep pi. some figure it out.
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Old 27-03-2020, 13:57   #9022
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Gotta love this guy

https://www.facebook.com/dlregatta/v...0469433602885/
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Old 27-03-2020, 14:31   #9023
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Re: The New Joke Thread

So there's this comedian that really sucks. Get's thrown out of every club by the 4th joke. Down and out he takes a gig at a retirement home function.

When he arrives, the host notifies him that all the attendee's suffer from Alzheimer's disease.

So the guy gets up and tells his first joke and the entire room cracks up laughing. So he decides to tell the same joke. Again, the entire room cracks up. He continues telling the same joke for the next 30 minutes with the same great reaction.

Then, he notices a guy in the corner who is just staring at him and not laughing. Not one laugh, but continues his stare.

He continues on with the one joke routine for another 30 minutes and completes his promised 1 hour performance.

While leaving he notices the staring guy walking toward him. The guy comes up and sternly says: "Hey buddy, can I ask you something" Stuttering, the bad comedian replies "YYYes". The staring guy asks: "How do you remember all those jokes?"

< rimshot.wav >
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Old 27-03-2020, 17:31   #9024
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A man is in a queue at the Supermarket when he notices that the rather attractive blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.

He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he can’t quite place where he might know her from, so he says “Sorry, do you know me?”

She replies “I may be mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children!”

In an instant it all comes flooding back to him. His mind shoots back to the one and only time he had been unfaithful…!
“Christ!” he says, “Are you that stripper from my stag night who I shagged on the snooker table in front of all my mates whilst your girlfriend whipped me with wet celery?”

“No” she replies, “I’m your daughter’s English teacher.”

cheers,
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Old 27-03-2020, 19:21   #9025
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by LakeSuperior View Post
3.1415% of sailors are...

pi-rats.

Ouch that hurts.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.


Real mathematicians round, they don't truncate!
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Old 27-03-2020, 19:43   #9026
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by carstenb View Post
Love it! 👍
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Old 27-03-2020, 20:33   #9027
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Re: The New Joke Thread

I think I’m going to change all my passwords to “Incorrect” so when I forget, the site will tell me “your password is incorrect”
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Old 28-03-2020, 06:08   #9028
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Re: The New Joke Thread

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

So what is it when a girl tells a man" you were just wonderful"
and he replies " can I get a second opinion"?
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Old 28-03-2020, 06:24   #9029
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Re: The New Joke Thread

What's the difference between:

"I'm worth it ..."
And,
"What's it worth to ya?"
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Old 28-03-2020, 09:49   #9030
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Suppose a man in Reno pays a woman $100 for sex, and she climaxes?

Is she a prostitute or is that gambling?
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