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Old 11-11-2019, 20:47   #7366
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Asked a Doc to carefully analyze the Joke Thread participants via their online posts. This was his response:
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Old 11-11-2019, 21:14   #7367
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Finally reached the stage where I've been considering Lasik eye surgery. Got my doubts, though. Talked about it with the Doc and she said, well, just consider the worst case scenario. So I did.

The laser fries my eyeballs and they explode, leaving me blind and with intense pain for the rest of my life. I'd be walking down the street, newly blind, and stumble across some dead guy. Try to shake him awake - Wake up, cold man! -leaving my fingerprints and DNA all over the crime scene. Get arrested for murder. Get sent to prison. And you know what? Bubba ain't blind, and I won't see him coming. After me. Coming after me, I meant to say.

So yeah... I still wear eyeglasses.
I don't need Lasik, but somehow I ended up on a website detailing the various complications and side effects of Lasik. It claimed the failure rate was higher than anyone cared to admit and a surprising number of those who suffered from the complications had committed suicide, apparently the dry, itching eyes or worsened eyesight drove them to it.
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Old 11-11-2019, 22:09   #7368
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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So, um,...I assume you gentlemen have the LARGE sized marine toilet that allow you to keep your man bits from touching any part of the bowl or water?

I wrap mine over my shoulder and around my neck before sitting down on any toilet, let alone a space saver marine head.
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Old 11-11-2019, 23:05   #7369
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Was down to the pub the other night. Found that George is back in town! Now George, he was just laughing and drinking beer at the bar and sort of rambling on about this and that and asking questions, like:

Can a dog get a CAT scan?

Can you get germs by drinking out of someone else's Listerine bottle?

Why do people say "don't mention it" right after you mention it?

If they restrict visitors in that certain section of the hospital shouldn't it be called the I can't see you?

Why isn't there a bestershire sauce?


George is like that, sometimes...
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Old 12-11-2019, 03:13   #7370
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
... Let's not get into probable cause and all that legal stuff. For the sake of the game can you PROVE where you were at zero-dark-thirty on the morning of whatever? Ahhh... So no alibi, huh?
I can’t even remember, never mind prove!
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Old 12-11-2019, 06:47   #7371
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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I wrap mine over my shoulder and around my neck before sitting down on any toilet, let alone a space saver marine head.
You too? I thought I was the only one that did that.
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Old 12-11-2019, 17:06   #7372
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Old 12-11-2019, 17:14   #7373
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Old 12-11-2019, 17:15   #7374
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. 'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago... Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.


However, there is one thing that is severely dangerous of all, and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'

A few digs at the Irish

Retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.

Michael O'Connor looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?'

They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

'Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.'

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.

Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home.'

'Tell him to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife..

'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher.

*********************************************

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over. 'So,' says the cop to the driver, 'where have ya been?'

'Why, I've been to the pub of course,' slurs the drunk.

'Well,' says the cop, 'it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening.'

'I did all right,' the drunk says with a smile.

'Did you know,' says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, 'that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?'

'Oh, thank heavens,' sighs the drunk. 'for a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf.'

********************************************

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

He says, 'So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?'

She says, 'Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.'

The priest says, 'Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?'

She says, 'That he did, Father.'

The priest says, 'What did he ask, Mary?'

She says, 'He said, Please Mary, put down that gun....'

**********************************************

An inebriated Paddy staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

Paddy mumbles, 'Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either.


Blonde's Dogs

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs.

She asked, "What are their names?"

The blonde replied, "That one is Rolex, and that one is Timex."

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

"Helllooo?" said the blonde. "They're watch dogs..."


A married man's prayer:

Dear God, You gave me childhood, You took it away

You gave me youth, You took it away.

You gave me a wife ... Its been years now, just reminding You.
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Old 12-11-2019, 17:48   #7375
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Okay, I've enjoyed a lot of the stuff cross-posted from other sites, so am going to see if I can figure out how to do it. Not in the same volume as some; my sources aren't that good, but from time to time when I see a good one.

This one is from an old friend. I don't know if he'd admit to being old, but when your posts are scans of paper comic strips ...
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Old 12-11-2019, 18:12   #7376
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A Greek and an Irishman were sitting in a Starbucks one day comparing their two cultures.

Over a double latte, the Greek mentions “We built the Pantheon, you may recall, along with the Temple of Apollo.”

“Well, it was the Irish that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices.”

“But it was the Greeks who gave birth to advanced mathematics.”

“Granted, but it was the Irish who built the first timepieces.”

Knowing that he’s about to deliver the coup de grace, the son of Athens points out with a note of finality:

“Keep in mind that it was the ancient Greeks who invented the notion of sex as a pleasurable activity!”

“True enough, but it was the Irish who got women involved.”
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Old 12-11-2019, 18:38   #7377
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Old 12-11-2019, 20:46   #7378
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A notte to the grammer Natsi who resently sent me a PM:

Yuo msilelped 'title', btu aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde uinervtisy, it deosn’t mttaer waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteres are at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a tatol mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe.

So thare!
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Old 12-11-2019, 21:00   #7379
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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A notte to the grammer Natsi who resently sent me a PM:



Yuo msilelped 'title', btu aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde uinervtisy, it deosn’t mttaer waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteres are at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a tatol mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe.



So thare!


Yeah, but I still get a mild headache every time I read one of those scrambled-word sentences.
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Old 12-11-2019, 21:16   #7380
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Re: The New Joke Thread

You a guy and thinking of getting married? Contemplating buying an engagement ring? If your beloved goes making hints that a diamond is forever, you might mention that so is styrofoam. And hey, she'll never lose her ring in a swimming pool, right? It'll just float, you know? Hope that helps.
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