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Old 19-03-2020, 04:48   #8881
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Old 19-03-2020, 04:53   #8882
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Re: The New Joke Thread

The government has announced a sweeping ban on jokes about social distancing, in an effort to contain their spread. The threat posed by the outbreak is now listed as a “extreme”, and officials have warned that up to 70% of people may make the joke in the coming months.
Experts said reactions to the joke are highly varied depending on the recipient, and range anywhere between mild discomfort to total failure. They warned there was no recorded case of people being immune to the joke, and recovery could take months, especially for people with a compromised sense of humour.
Experts said the viral nature of many of these jokes means that they now pose a great threat to humanity than the coronavirus itself. They said that the novel nature of the joke has impeded efforts to contain its spread. Last night, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg called for calm about the spread of these jokes, and said Facebook was working on a policy that would dampen the spread but that its rapidly changing structure was impeding efforts.
In the UK, Boris Johnson said his government would not impose an outright ban on the jokes, but instead implement a strict quota system, where people will be limited to one joke about social distancing per day. It will be banned entirely for people over 60 years old, after it was discovered that unfunny uncles are so-called “super-spreaders” of the joke.
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Old 19-03-2020, 06:17   #8883
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Re: The New Joke Thread

I think all these people dying from the virus will be replaced shortly.


.
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Old 19-03-2020, 13:06   #8884
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by delmarrey View Post
I think all these people dying from the virus will be replaced shortly. .
Is it possible the young lady is a lurker here on the CF Joke Thread? Maybe she read my post #8871? Interesting that her post (on that other platform) is dated two days later than mine.
Hmmmm....

Of course, I can't very well complain to her about lifting a joke that I lifted from somewhere else in cyberspace!

edit: OMG! I just had a thought - maybe she and I both access the same online sources for humour!

edit the edit: Pls refrain from snarky comments about my having a thought. Life is hard enough, what with the local pub closed to enforce social distancing. Forget sourcing toilet paper; I've lost my best source for jokes!
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Old 19-03-2020, 14:17   #8885
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Re: The New Joke Thread

iwouewpqureoi
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Old 19-03-2020, 14:34   #8886
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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iwouewpqureoi
Why have you published my CF password?
Now I'm going to have to change it.
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Old 19-03-2020, 16:21   #8887
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A glimpse of married life (and hoping I haven't posted this already!?)…


The missus isn't talking to me. She said I ruined her birthday. I'm not sure how...
I didn't even know it was her birthday!


After too many beers, my mate asked if he could crash out on my sofa.
I had to explain to him that I'm married now, so that's where I sleep.

The missus said she's leaving me because I invade her privacy too often.
At least that's what it says in her diary.

As me and the missus headed off on a romantic holiday, we talked about
what kinky things we'd like to do to each other.
She said, "I've always wanted to be handcuffed."
So I planted a kilo of cocaine in her suitcase.

Woman to husband: "Let's go out and have some fun tonight!”
Husband: "Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hall light on."

My mate is thinking about asking his ex-missus to re-marry him, but he's
worried she’ll think he is just after her for his money.

Two guys in a health club, one is putting on a pair of women’s lace knickers.
1st guy: "Since when do you wear women's underwear?"
2nd guy: "Since the missus found ‘em in the glove box."

My missus left me for another bloke. All that lies ahead now is a miserable,
pointless life, with suicide seemingly the only way out.
And while the poor bastard's going through all that, I'll be down at the pub
with my mates every night!

My missus left a note on the fridge: "It's not working. I can't take it anymore,
I'm going to live with my mum."
I opened the fridge door, the light came on, the beer was cold. What the
hell is she on about?"

My missus said I need to be more in touch with my feminine side, so I
crashed the car, burnt the dinner and ignored her all day … for no reason!
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Old 19-03-2020, 16:48   #8888
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by StuM View Post
Why have you published my CF password?
Now I'm going to have to change it.

Too Late. I used it to take 1/3 of your 401K. If you don't believe me just check your value.
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Old 19-03-2020, 16:55   #8889
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Too Late. I used it to take 1/3 of your 401K. If you don't believe me just check your value.
I don't know whether to ROFL (roll on the floor laughing) or curl up in a little ball crying my brains out
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Old 19-03-2020, 17:33   #8890
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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I don't know whether to ROFL (roll on the floor laughing) or curl up in a little ball crying my brains out

iwouewpqureoi PASSWORD INVALID TRY AGAIN
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Old 20-03-2020, 01:58   #8891
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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iwouewpqureoi PASSWORD INVALID TRY AGAIN


Wow those panties were surely not in the glove box... but man, where the hell did you get those shoes, Eigen?
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Old 20-03-2020, 04:32   #8892
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Wow those panties were surely not in the glove box... but man, where the hell did you get those shoes, Eigen?

There was a whole shelf of them at the store. The store didn't have anything else....I didn't want to feel like I drove all that way for nothing...so here we are.....new shoes and no TP.
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Old 20-03-2020, 06:05   #8893
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Re: The New Joke Thread

I saw a long line waiting to get in store. Line was almost 2 blocks long. Both customers got in same day. They were waiting to use public restrooms . No TP at home.
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Old 20-03-2020, 10:29   #8894
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Re: The New Joke Thread

I had just bought myself a BMW M3 and was cruising along calmly, all of a sudden I got an urge, started to push the go fast pedal further and further, before I realized it I was doing about 150. Just then looked in the mirror and sure enough there was a cop. I pulled over and he came up to the car, he said" it's almost he end of my shift, if you can give me a good reason for you goin so fast, I'll let you off with a warning". So I told him" my wife just left me for a cop, I thought you were him trying to give her back". He let me go.
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Old 20-03-2020, 17:15   #8895
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Re: The New Joke Thread

I got 2020 census form in mail March 15 2020 says on front March 12 2020.
First question is "how many people were living or staying in this house, apartment, or mobile home on April 1,2020. Instructions state to respond BY April 1 ,2020.
4 days later I got letter stating that I had not responded yet. Please look at Calendar it is not April 1 yet.

So I need to tell them how many people alive in this house on April 1.--- 2 weeks before that date. Does that mean we are obligated to not move or die before April 1 ? Do I need to hire fortune teller? Is this April1 ( fools day ) joke?

Or is this how all statistics are gathered for this virus.

Me I think it is BIG JOKE. But I will send in with a guess that I don't die before then. I do know that if I die I am not going to fill out one of these again.
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