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Old 20-09-2019, 09:34   #6601
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Re: The New Joke Thread

The Weird Al song - "Word Crimes" - reminded me of William Safire's Fumblerules for grammar, no grammar-Nazi he:

Avoid run-on sentences they are hard to read.

Don't use no double negatives.

Use the semicolon properly, always use it where it is appropriate; and never where it isn't.

Reserve the apostrophe for it's proper use and omit it when its not needed.

Do not put statements in the negative form.

Verbs has to agree with their subjects.

No sentence fragments.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

Avoid commas, that are not necessary.

If you reread your work, you will find on rereading that a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.

A writer must not shift your point of view.

Eschew dialect, irregardless.

And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.

Don't overuse exclamation marks!!!

Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more words, to their antecedents.

Writers should always hyphenate between syllables and avoid un-necessary hyph-
ens.

Write all adverbial forms correct.

Don't use contractions in formal writing.

Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.

It is incumbent on us to avoid archaisms.

If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.

Steer clear of incorrect forms of verbs that have snuck in the language.

Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixed metaphors.

Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.

Never, ever use repetitive redundancies.

Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing.

If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times, resist hyperbole.

Also, avoid awkward or affected alliteration.

Don't string too many prepositional phrases together unless you are walking through the valley of the shadow of death.

Always pick on the correct idiom.

"Avoid overuse of 'quotation "marks."'"

The adverb always follows the verb.

Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; seek viable alternatives.

Perhaps the funniest is that he had such a great sense of humor (He titled a book about the common language: "In Love With Norma Loquendi") yet he wrote for such a humorless newspaper (New York Time)
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Old 20-09-2019, 11:30   #6602
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Never end a sentence with a preposition. Its bad structure for the sentence you are using it in.
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Old 20-09-2019, 12:23   #6603
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by senormechanico View Post
Never end a sentence with a preposition. Its bad structure for the sentence you are using it in.
Indeed a preposition is a poor choice of word to end a sentence with.
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Old 20-09-2019, 12:33   #6604
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Yeah, but...it sounds weird to say, "this is a situation up with which I shall not put." You writers out there that care, have you noticed the "Syntax, etc." thread?

Ann
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Old 20-09-2019, 13:54   #6605
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Re: The New Joke Thread

There used to be jokes in this thread
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Old 20-09-2019, 16:29   #6606
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Re: The New Joke Thread

So what did the Semi colon say to the Apostrophe?
.
.
.
.
.
.
....you'll have to ask my big sister, she's more your type!
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Old 20-09-2019, 16:43   #6607
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Churchill, once, responding to a critic, "that, sir, is the sort of arrant pedentry up with which I shall not put!"
Quote:
Originally Posted by JPA Cate View Post
Yeah, but...it sounds weird to say, "this is a situation up with which I shall not put." You writers out there that care, have you noticed the "Syntax, etc." thread?

Ann
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Old 20-09-2019, 16:57   #6608
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Re: The New Joke Thread

To quite a few here, the grammar jokes are funny.

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Old 20-09-2019, 17:02   #6609
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pelagic View Post
So what did the Semi colon say to the Apostrophe?
You'll have to ask my big sister, she's more your type!
Then there was the Question Mark who said to the Exclamation Mark.
.
.
.
I'll never date another Apostrophe, the last one was too possessive.


(Just stay away from the "period" jokes )
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Old 20-09-2019, 19:21   #6610
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jdege View Post
arrant pedentry
You're just bating us pedants with that misspelling, aren't you?

8-)
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Old 20-09-2019, 19:47   #6611
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Like everyone these days, I rely on my spillchecker.
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Originally Posted by john61ct View Post
You're just bating us pedants with that misspelling, aren't you?

8-)
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Old 20-09-2019, 20:58   #6612
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by StuM View Post
Then there was the Question Mark who said to the Exclamation Mark.
.
.
.
I'll never date another Apostrophe, the last one was too possessive.


(Just stay away from the "period" jokes )
I just makemup as I goalong.
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Old 20-09-2019, 21:00   #6613
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jdege View Post
Like everyone these days, I rely on my spillchecker.
Ahh, the New Zulland version.
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Old 20-09-2019, 21:17   #6614
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jdege View Post
Like everyone these days, I rely on my spillchecker.

If you're a Kiwi, that's spillchucker!
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Old 20-09-2019, 21:40   #6615
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by StuM View Post
If you're a Kiwi, that's spillchucker!
But if you're from the magical island of Siquijor.....it still is spellchecker!
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