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Old 05-10-2019, 11:49   #6751
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Re: The New Joke Thread

BREAKING NEWS

The North Korean state media just announced today that in the event of possible war all citizens are ordered to follow Donald Trump on Twitter, as there’s no way in hell he would risk losing 42 million followers.

Film at eleven.

In other news:

Kim Jong-Un has promised a new clear future for North Korea.

Oops! Spelt ***nuclear*** wrong.
***

The New York Times reports that North Korea sentenced Trump to death by hanging
for calling Kim Jong-un 'short and fat'.

Fake Noose?
***

The whole world should be worried that North Korea
has a missile that can hit New York...
because if it can make it there, it can make it anywhere!
***

A wife is like North Korea...
You never really understand whats going on with her.
***

I'll show myself out.
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Old 05-10-2019, 11:57   #6752
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Democratic People's Republic of Korea(조선민주주의인민공화국) is the home of ~26 million souls.

As far as we know.
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Old 05-10-2019, 12:04   #6753
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Thanks. My bad.

On the other hand, there is only one Seoul south of the DMZ.
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Old 05-10-2019, 14:41   #6754
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by john61ct View Post
Democratic People's Republic of Korea(조선민주주의인민공화국) is the home of ~26 million souls.

As far as we know.
Have you ever noticed that most countries with republic in the name, aren't?
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Old 05-10-2019, 15:39   #6755
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Re: The New Joke Thread

I'm at the age where an all-nighter just means I didn't have to get up to pee.

Never let one bad apple make you feel like everyone is gonna be bananas.

Yes, an optimist can be wrong - in the same way that a pessimist can be wrong. But the optimist is far happier.

Some things are better left unsaid. Unfortuately I often realize this after I've said them.



(pls excuse. ran out of beer, switched to bourbon, now in the zen-zone)
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Old 05-10-2019, 16:26   #6756
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The New Joke Thread

There are nights where you dont have to get up?
I miss those days, now if I have a beer or two Im up three times at night.
I cant even get drunk anymore, I skip the happy drunk and go straight to the hangover.
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Old 05-10-2019, 17:15   #6757
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Re: The New Joke Thread

For those who might be new to the joke thread: Anything that I post here should be considered as realistic as a treaty with Freedonia.

Now grab a drink of your preference, then continue reading.


In most industries, what you see is what you get. For example, the following conversation might take place in a hardware store:

Customer: "Hi, how much is your paint?
Clerk: "$12 a litre for regular, $18 for premium. How much do you need?
Customer: "Five litres of regular, please."
Clerk: "That'll be $60."


But what if the paint shop is run by an airline? The conversation would go something like this:

Customer: "How much is your paint?"
Clerk: "Well sir, that all depends."
Customer: "Depends on what?"
Clerk: "Well, there are lots of things."
Customer: "How about giving me an average price?"
Clerk: "Wow! That's too hard a question. The lowest price is $9 a litre and we have 150 prices up to $200 a litre.
Customer: "What's the difference in the paint?"
Clerk: "Oh, there isn't any difference. It's the same paint."
Customer: "Then I'd like some of the $9 paint."
Clerk: "Well, first I'd need to ask you a few questions. When do you intend to use it?"
Customer: "I want to paint tomorrow, on my day off."
Clerk: "Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint."
Customer: "What! When would I have to paint to get the $9 paint?"
Clerk: "In 3 weeks. But you'll have to start painting before Saturday that week and continue painting until at least Sunday."
Customer: "You've got to be kidding."
Clerk: "Sir, we don't kid around here. Of course, I'll have to check to see if we have any of that paint available."
Customer: "You have shelves full of the stuff. I can see it."
Clerk: "Just because you can see it doesn't mean we have it. It may be the same paint, but we sell only a certain number of litres on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way, the price just went to $12."
Customer: "What! The price rose while we were talking?"
Clerk: "Yes sir. You see, we change prices and rules hundreds of times a day. Since you haven't actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, we just decided to change. How many litres do you want?"
Customer: "I don't know exactly, maybe five. Perhaps I should buy six litres just to make sure I have enough."
Clerk: "Oh no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy the paint and then don't use it you will be liable for penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have."
Customer: "What!!"
Clerk: "We can sell you enough paint to do your kitchen, hall, bathroom and bedroom. But if you stop painting before you do the bedroom you will be in violation of our pricing policy."
Customer: "What does it matter to you whether I use all of the paint if I've already paid for it?"
Clerk: "Sir, there is no point in getting upset. That's just the way it is."
Customer: "Well, that does it. I'm going somewhere else."
Clerk: "Won't do any good sir. We all have the same rules."


Zen zone zigzagged
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Old 05-10-2019, 17:18   #6758
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Re: The New Joke Thread

One more...

One evening, after attending the theater, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they observed a rather well-dressed and attractive young lady walking ahead of them. One of them turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give $250.00 to spend the night with that woman." Much to their surprise, the young lady overheard the remark, turned around, and replied, "I'll take you up on that offer."

She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after bidding his companion good night, the man accompanied the young lady to her apartment. The following morning the man presented her with $125.00 as he prepared to leave. She demanded the rest of the money, stating, "If you don't give me the other $125.00, I'll sue you for it." He laughed, saying "I'd like to see you get it on these grounds."

Within a few days, he was surprised when he received a summons ordering his presence in court as a defendant in a lawsuit. He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of the case. His lawyer said "She can't possibly get a judgment against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her case will be presented."

After the usual preliminaries, the lady's lawyer addressed the court as follows: "Your honor, my client, this lady, is the owner of a piece of property, a garden spot, surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of $250.00. The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the purposes for which it was rented, but upon evacuating the premises, he paid only $125.00, one-half of the amount agreed upon. The rent was not excessive, since it is restricted property, and we ask judgment be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance."

The defendant's lawyer was impressed and amused by the way his opponent had presented the case. His defense, therefore was somewhat different from the way he originally planned to present it. "Your honor," he said, "my client agrees that the lady has a fine piece of property, that he did rent such property for a time, and a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property around which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft, and erected a pump, all labor performed personally by him. We claim these improvements to the property were sufficient to offset the unpaid amount, and that the plaintiff was adequately compensated for the rental of said property. We, therefore, ask that judgment not be granted."

The young lady's lawyer answered thus: "Your honor, my client agrees that the defendant did find a well on her property. However, had the defendant not known that the well existed, he would never have rented the property. Also, upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed the stones, pulled out the shaft, and took the pump with him. In doing so, he not only dragged the equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making the property much less desirable to others. We, therefore, ask that judgment be granted."

In the Judge's decision, he provided for two options: "pay the $125.00 or have the equipment detached and provided to the plaintiff for damages." The defendant wrote a check immediately.



zen zone zeitgeist
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Old 06-10-2019, 14:43   #6759
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Young woman on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitars.

The judge asks: "First offender?"

She replies: "No, judge. First a Gibson, then a Fender."
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Old 06-10-2019, 14:43   #6760
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Re: The New Joke Thread

My parents said that if I got a tattoo I'd have to get it in a place that didn't matter...

So I got it in Appleton, Wisconsin.
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Old 06-10-2019, 23:02   #6761
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Old 06-10-2019, 23:04   #6762
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Old 06-10-2019, 23:05   #6763
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Old 06-10-2019, 23:07   #6764
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Old 06-10-2019, 23:08   #6765
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