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Old 20-09-2019, 22:03   #6616
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Was chatting with this girl at the pub - asked her her name.
She says "Tatarana".
I said "That's an unusual name, don't hear that every day".
She says "Actually, I do".

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Old 20-09-2019, 22:40   #6617
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Re: The New Joke Thread

So I asked Tatarana what she did for a living.
She says she trains tarantulas to bite pesky flys.
I repied "How does that work"?
She says "Keep pestering me and you'll find out".



<sigh> Okay.... you try coming up with a tarantula joke.
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Old 20-09-2019, 22:50   #6618
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Question....

Islamic fundamentalist sex dolls - do they blow themselves up?
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Old 20-09-2019, 22:57   #6619
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by svmariane View Post
<sigh> Okay.... you try coming up with a tarantula joke.
Two tarantulas were sucking on a fly whilst discussing the value of porn on the Internet.

The traditionalist felt that he had got there on his own.
The other argued, without the Web, we would not know how to do this!
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Old 21-09-2019, 00:27   #6620
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Re: The New Joke Thread

I remember the first time I ever had sex... I cried.
I don't know if it was the emotions, the glorious grandeur
of the moment, or the pepper spray.

Years ago this woman introduced handcuffs into our relationship
when she called the police. I said I'd come quietly.

I finally got around to reading Dickens' Great Expectations.
It wasn't as good as I thought it would be.
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Old 21-09-2019, 03:43   #6621
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by john61ct View Post
You're just bating us pedants with that misspelling, aren't you?

8-)

I'm waiting for the answer with baited breath.
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Old 21-09-2019, 03:59   #6622
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by bill352 View Post
I'm waiting for the answer with baited breath.

I thought about posting the same thing, but then realised that someone here would think I was serious and post a correction.
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Old 21-09-2019, 04:02   #6623
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Master baiter

https://www.runwaydaily.com/.a/6a00e...2f5793b970b-pi
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Old 21-09-2019, 07:48   #6624
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Re: The New Joke Thread

IF THE GOVERNMENT WANTS TO BE PC, SO BE IT!

Oregon Department of Fish and Wildlife letter to a home/landowner asking for permission to access a creek on their property to document the decline in a certain species of unheard of frogs.



Dear Landowner:


ODFW Staff will be conducting surveys for foothill yellow-legged frogs & other amphibians over the next few months. As part of this research we would like to survey the creek on your property. I am writing this letter to request your permission to access your property.

Recent research indicates that foothill yellow-legged frogs have declined significantly in recent years and are no longer found at half their historic sites. Your cooperation will be greatly appreciated and will help contribute to the conservation of this important species.

Please fill out the attached postage-paid postcard and let us know if you are willing to let us cross your property or not.??

If you have any concerns about this project please give us a call. We would love to talk with you about our research.

Sincerely,

Steve Niemela
Conservation Strategy Implementation Biologist


********RESPONSE FROM LANDOWNERS: ********


Dear Mr. Niemela:


Thank you for your inquiry regarding accessing our property to survey for the yellow-legged frog. We may be able to help you out with this matter.

We have divided our 2.26 acres into 75 equal survey units with a draw tag for each unit. Application fees are only $8.00 per unit after you purchase the Frog Survey License ($120.00 resident / $180.00 Non-Resident). You will need to obtain a Frog Habitat parking permit ($10.00 per vehicle) and an Invasive Species stamp ($15.00 for the first vehicle and $5.00 for each additional vehicle).

You must also register at the Check Station to have your vehicle inspected for non-native plant life prior to entering our property. Additionally, there is a Day Use fee, $5.00 per vehicle.

If you are successful in the Draw you will be notified two weeks in advance so you can make necessary plans and purchase your Creek Habitat stamp. ($18.00 Resident /$140.00 Non-Resident).

Survey units open between 8am and 3pm but you cannot commence survey until 9am and must cease all survey activity by 1pm.

Survey Gear may only include a net with a 2" diameter made of 100% organic cotton netting with no longer than an 18" handle, non-weighted and no deeper than 6' from net frame to bottom of net. Handles may only be made of wood or BPA-free plastics.

After 1pm you may use a net with a 3" diameter if you purchase the Frog Net Endorsement ($75.00 Resident / $250 Non-Resident).

Any frogs captured and released must be freed into the environment unharmed with an approved release device.

As of June 1, we are offering draw tags for our Premium Survey units and application is again only $8.00 per application. However, all fees can be waived if you can verify Native Indian Tribal rights and status.

You must provide evidence of successful completion of Frog Surveys and You: A comprehensive course on frog identification, safe handling practices, and self-defense strategies for frog attacks. This course is offered online through an accredited program for a nominal fee of $750.00.

Please let us know if we can be of further assistance to you, otherwise we decline your request for access to our property. But we appreciate your inquiry.


Sincerely,

Larry & Amanda Anderson.
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Old 21-09-2019, 07:57   #6625
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by delmarrey View Post
IF THE GOVERNMENT WANTS TO BE PC, SO BE IT!

Oregon Department of Fish and Wildlife letter to a home/landowner asking for permission to access a creek on their property to document the decline in a certain species of unheard of frogs.



Dear Landowner:


ODFW Staff will be conducting surveys for foothill yellow-legged frogs & other amphibians over the next few months. As part of this research we would like to survey the creek on your property. I am writing this letter to request your permission to access your property.

Recent research indicates that foothill yellow-legged frogs have declined significantly in recent years and are no longer found at half their historic sites. Your cooperation will be greatly appreciated and will help contribute to the conservation of this important species.

Please fill out the attached postage-paid postcard and let us know if you are willing to let us cross your property or not.??

If you have any concerns about this project please give us a call. We would love to talk with you about our research.

Sincerely,

Steve Niemela
Conservation Strategy Implementation Biologist


********RESPONSE FROM LANDOWNERS: ********


Dear Mr. Niemela:


Thank you for your inquiry regarding accessing our property to survey for the yellow-legged frog. We may be able to help you out with this matter.

We have divided our 2.26 acres into 75 equal survey units with a draw tag for each unit. Application fees are only $8.00 per unit after you purchase the Frog Survey License ($120.00 resident / $180.00 Non-Resident). You will need to obtain a Frog Habitat parking permit ($10.00 per vehicle) and an Invasive Species stamp ($15.00 for the first vehicle and $5.00 for each additional vehicle).

You must also register at the Check Station to have your vehicle inspected for non-native plant life prior to entering our property. Additionally, there is a Day Use fee, $5.00 per vehicle.

If you are successful in the Draw you will be notified two weeks in advance so you can make necessary plans and purchase your Creek Habitat stamp. ($18.00 Resident /$140.00 Non-Resident).

Survey units open between 8am and 3pm but you cannot commence survey until 9am and must cease all survey activity by 1pm.

Survey Gear may only include a net with a 2" diameter made of 100% organic cotton netting with no longer than an 18" handle, non-weighted and no deeper than 6' from net frame to bottom of net. Handles may only be made of wood or BPA-free plastics.

After 1pm you may use a net with a 3" diameter if you purchase the Frog Net Endorsement ($75.00 Resident / $250 Non-Resident).

Any frogs captured and released must be freed into the environment unharmed with an approved release device.

As of June 1, we are offering draw tags for our Premium Survey units and application is again only $8.00 per application. However, all fees can be waived if you can verify Native Indian Tribal rights and status.

You must provide evidence of successful completion of Frog Surveys and You: A comprehensive course on frog identification, safe handling practices, and self-defense strategies for frog attacks. This course is offered online through an accredited program for a nominal fee of $750.00.

Please let us know if we can be of further assistance to you, otherwise we decline your request for access to our property. But we appreciate your inquiry.


Sincerely,

Larry & Amanda Anderson.

I love this guy!
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Old 21-09-2019, 10:33   #6626
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by delmarrey View Post
IF THE GOVERNMENT WANTS TO BE PC, SO BE IT!

Oregon Department of Fish and Wildlife letter to a home/landowner asking for permission to access a creek on their property to document the decline in a certain species of unheard of frogs.



Dear Landowner:


ODFW Staff will be conducting surveys for foothill yellow-legged frogs & other amphibians over the next few months. As part of this research we would like to survey the creek on your property. I am writing this letter to request your permission to access your property.

Recent research indicates that foothill yellow-legged frogs have declined significantly in recent years and are no longer found at half their historic sites. Your cooperation will be greatly appreciated and will help contribute to the conservation of this important species.

Please fill out the attached postage-paid postcard and let us know if you are willing to let us cross your property or not.??

If you have any concerns about this project please give us a call. We would love to talk with you about our research.

Sincerely,

Steve Niemela
Conservation Strategy Implementation Biologist


********RESPONSE FROM LANDOWNERS: ********


Dear Mr. Niemela:


Thank you for your inquiry regarding accessing our property to survey for the yellow-legged frog. We may be able to help you out with this matter.

We have divided our 2.26 acres into 75 equal survey units with a draw tag for each unit. Application fees are only $8.00 per unit after you purchase the Frog Survey License ($120.00 resident / $180.00 Non-Resident). You will need to obtain a Frog Habitat parking permit ($10.00 per vehicle) and an Invasive Species stamp ($15.00 for the first vehicle and $5.00 for each additional vehicle).

You must also register at the Check Station to have your vehicle inspected for non-native plant life prior to entering our property. Additionally, there is a Day Use fee, $5.00 per vehicle.

If you are successful in the Draw you will be notified two weeks in advance so you can make necessary plans and purchase your Creek Habitat stamp. ($18.00 Resident /$140.00 Non-Resident).

Survey units open between 8am and 3pm but you cannot commence survey until 9am and must cease all survey activity by 1pm.

Survey Gear may only include a net with a 2" diameter made of 100% organic cotton netting with no longer than an 18" handle, non-weighted and no deeper than 6' from net frame to bottom of net. Handles may only be made of wood or BPA-free plastics.

After 1pm you may use a net with a 3" diameter if you purchase the Frog Net Endorsement ($75.00 Resident / $250 Non-Resident).

Any frogs captured and released must be freed into the environment unharmed with an approved release device.

As of June 1, we are offering draw tags for our Premium Survey units and application is again only $8.00 per application. However, all fees can be waived if you can verify Native Indian Tribal rights and status.

You must provide evidence of successful completion of Frog Surveys and You: A comprehensive course on frog identification, safe handling practices, and self-defense strategies for frog attacks. This course is offered online through an accredited program for a nominal fee of $750.00.

Please let us know if we can be of further assistance to you, otherwise we decline your request for access to our property. But we appreciate your inquiry.


Sincerely,

Larry & Amanda Anderson.
The end. We have a winner.
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Old 21-09-2019, 11:25   #6627
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Winston Churchill to the House of Commons *

"The war against the PC Brigade continues, with multiple casualties on both sides of the battles. Although the graveyard of deleted posts is a terrible thing their contribution was not wasted. We remain staunch in our efforts, with our resolve.

We shall defend our island, whatever the cost may be, we shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the ports and in the anchorages, we shall fight in the hillside pubs; we shall never surrender the joke thread."





* Possibly slightly misquoted. Blame my researcher.
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Old 21-09-2019, 11:46   #6628
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Re: The New Joke Thread

My lesbian granddaughter's girlfriend sent this link to me.
I suspect it's the email equivelant of sticking out the tongue.


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Old 21-09-2019, 12:06   #6629
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by svmariane View Post
.....
I suspect it's the email equivelant of sticking out the tongue.


Must Admit! .... My tongue was sticking out a little bit also
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Old 21-09-2019, 12:11   #6630
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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