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Old 17-07-2019, 23:21   #5851
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kiwiscanswim View Post
Maybe we could do without the misanthropic jokes?
https://wp-media.patheos.com/blogs/s...k-it-means.jpg
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Old 18-07-2019, 03:38   #5852
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by Kiwiscanswim View Post
Maybe we could do without the misanthropic jokes?
Comedy by definition shows people at their worst
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Old 18-07-2019, 05:06   #5853
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Old 18-07-2019, 05:25   #5854
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kiwiscanswim View Post
Maybe we could do without the misanthropic jokes?

I joined the local misanthropes society but none of the other members like me


If a misanthrope kills himself, is it a hate crime?


I don't have prejudice, I hate everyone equally.



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Old 18-07-2019, 05:39   #5855
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kiwiscanswim View Post
Maybe we could do without the misanthropic jokes?
Says someone who calls himself Kiwis Can Swim
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Old 18-07-2019, 11:23   #5856
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by Eigenvector View Post
The Expert (don't recall seeing this on CF)
Defining expert: In mathematics X is the symbol for an unknown. A spurt is a drip under pressure. Therefore, an x-spurt is an "unknown drip under pressure".
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Old 18-07-2019, 13:39   #5857
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Re: The New Joke Thread

From the Kingston Trio's "Merry Minuet"
The whole world is festering
With unhappy souls.
The French hate the Germans,
The Germans hate the Poles;
Italians hate Yugoslavs,
South Africans hate the Dutch,
And I don't like anybody very much!
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Old 18-07-2019, 15:28   #5858
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Darn you, Gordo!

Now I've opened a new browser window and have The Kingston Trio running as background music. Started with Sloop John B ((1958).

And its all your fault.

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Old 18-07-2019, 20:05   #5859
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Re: The New Joke Thread

IMHO It's funnier when you laugh at yourself than others.
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Old 18-07-2019, 21:02   #5860
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Re: The New Joke Thread

....and here, I thought kiwiscanswim indicated a boat bottom inspection business, operated by New Zealanders: KIWI SCAN SWIM!

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Old 18-07-2019, 21:34   #5861
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Kiwis can fly. Love this guys animations.
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Old 19-07-2019, 16:26   #5862
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Meanwhile..............
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Old 20-07-2019, 08:43   #5863
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Business was terrible and not picking up. I had to fire somebody, and I narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack.

It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers.

Rather than flip a coin, I decided I would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.

I approached her and said, "Debra, I’ve never done this before but I have to either lay you or Jack off.”

"Could you jack off for now?" she says. "I feel like crap. If you can wait, I'll do you at lunchtime."
......

I had to let Jack go.

It's tough being boss.
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Old 20-07-2019, 08:46   #5864
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Old 20-07-2019, 08:48   #5865
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A couple are rushing into the hospital because the wife is going into labor. As they walk, a doctor says to them that he has invented a machine that splits the pain between the mother and father. They agree to it and are led into a room where they get hooked up to the machine.

The doctor starts it off at 20% split towards the father. The wife says, "Oh, that's actually better." The husband says he can't feel anything. Then the doctor turns it to 50% and the wife says that it doesn't hurt nearly as much. The husband says he sill can't feel anything. The doctor, now encouraged, turns it up to 100%. The husband still can't feel anything, and the wife is really happy, because there is now no pain for her.

After the baby is born, the couple go home and find the postman groaning in pain on the doorstep.
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