The New Joke Thread

[D&D]

An Irishman was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his phone.

He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced a typical Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man just shrugs, "That's about average up our way, folks... like I said my boy's a typical County Clare baby boy."

Two weeks later the man returns to the bar.

The bartender says, "Say, aren't you the father of that typical Irish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth? Everybody's been making' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks .... so how much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."

The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? You said he was 25 pounds the day he was born."

The father takes a slow swig of his Jameson Irish Whisky, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised."

[D&D]

There was a world news item about ten years back , a famous so called death bed case in one hospital ( forgot which country ) whereby 27 people had die in that bed every day until they had someone sat nearby to have an all night watch only to be discovered that at 5am a cleaner came in , unplugged the patients support system , use the power for vacuuming after which she would plugged the support system back without fail.

[john61ct]

ah, yes, that is funny!

? :-(

[JPA Cate]

Maybe someone could start an apocryphal story thread??????????????

[Mirage35]

Originally Posted by JPA Cate

Maybe someone could start an apocryphal story thread??????????????

That and "urban legends". There seem to be a few of those that pop up from time to time.

[Jim Cate]

Originally Posted by AnglaisInHull

That and "urban legends". There seem to be a few of those that pop up from time to time.

Yeah, mostly in the advice to newbies threads.

Jim

[0urh]

One for all you Kiwis

DIARY OF A NEW ZEALANDER IN QUEENSLAND.

AUGUST 31 - Just transferred with to our new home in Brisbane
Queensland . Now this is a town that knows how to live! Beautiful,
sunny days and warm, balmy evenings. I watched the sunset from a
deckchair by the pool yesterday. It was beautiful. I've finally found
my new home. I love it here.

SEPTEMBER 13 - Really heating up now. It got to 31 today. No problem
though. Living in air-conditioned home, driving air-conditioned car.
What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a
sun-worshipper.

SEPTEMBER 30TH - Had the back yard landscaped with tropical plants
today. Lots of palms and rocks. No more mowing lawns for me. Another
scorcher today, but I love it here...

OCTOBER 10TH - The temperature hasn't been below 35 all week. How do
people get used to this kind of heat? At least today it's windy
though. Keeps the flies off a bit. Acclimatizing is taking longer than
I expected.

OCTOBER 15TH - Fell asleep by the pool yesterday. Got third degree
burns over 60% of my body. Missed three days of work. What a dumb
thing to do! Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

OCTOBER 20TH - Didn't notice Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the Mazda
before I left for work this morning. By the time I got back to the car
after work, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping
bag and stuck to the upholstery. The car now smells like Whiskettes
and cat ****. I've earned my lesson though: no more pets in this heat.

OCTOBER 25 - This wind is a bastard. It feels like a giant ****in'
blow dryer. And it's hot as hell! The home air conditioner is on the
blink and the repair man charged $200 just to drive over and tell me
he needs to order parts from ****in' Sydney ....

OCTOBER 30TH - The temperature's up around 40 and the parts still
haven't arrived for the ****in' aircon. Been sleeping outside by the
pool for three nights now. Bloody $600,000 house and we can't even go
inside. Why the hell did I ever come here?

NOVEMBER 4 - Finally got the ol' aircon fixed. It cost $1,500 and
gets the temperature down to around 25 degrees, but the humidity makes
it feel about 30. Stupid repairman.

NOVEMBER 8 - If one more smart arse says 'Hot enough for you today?'
I'm going to ****in' throttle him. ****in' heat! By the time I get to
work, the car's radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking
****in' wet and I smell like baked cat!

NOVEMBER 9 Tried to run some errands after work, wore shorts, and
sat on the black leather upholstery in the ol' car. I thought my
****in' arse was on fire. I lost two layers of flesh, all the hair on
the backs of my legs and my ****in' arse. Now the car smells like
burnt hair, fried arse and baked cat!

NOVEMBER 10 - Weather report! It might as well be a ****in'
recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny, Hot and ****in' sunny! It's
been too hot to do anything for two ****in' months and the weatherman
says it might really warm up next week.

NOVEMBER 15 - Doesn't it ever rain in this damn ****in' place? Water
restrictions will be next, so my $5,000 worth of palms might just dry
up and blow into the ****in' pool. The only things that thrive in this
hell-hole are the ****in' flies. You don't dare open your mouth for
fear of swallowing half a dozen of the ****ers!

NOVEMBER 20TH - Welcome to HELL! It got to 45 ****in' degrees today.
Now the air conditioner's gone in my car. The repair man came to fix
it and said, 'Hot enough for you today?' I had to spend the $2,500
mortgage payment to bail me out of jail for assaulting the stupid
****er. ****in' Brisbane! What kind of sick, demented ****in' idiot
would want to live here!

DECEMBER 1 -

WHAT!!!!

The first day of Summer!!!!

You are ****in' kidding!

[StuM]

Originally Posted by Jim Cate

Yeah, mostly in the advice to newbies threads.

Jim

And recently in the COLREGS discussions

[senormechanico]

Posted in another thread on CF:

https://youtu.be/PwgT7RnYe4g

Hilarious, and too true !

[sailorboy1]

Originally Posted by senormechanico

Posted in another thread on CF:

https://youtu.be/PwgT7RnYe4g

Hilarious, and too true !

bet there are lots of cat sailors here

[Copacabana]

Originally Posted by 0urh

One for all you Kiwis

DIARY OF A NEW ZEALANDER IN QUEENSLAND.

AUGUST 31 - Just transferred with to our new home in Brisbane
Queensland . Now this is a town that knows how to live! Beautiful,
sunny days and warm, balmy evenings. I watched the sunset from a
deckchair by the pool yesterday. It was beautiful. I've finally found
my new home. I love it here.

SEPTEMBER 13 - Really heating up now. It got to 31 today. No problem
though. Living in air-conditioned home, driving air-conditioned car.
What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a
sun-worshipper.

SEPTEMBER 30TH - Had the back yard landscaped with tropical plants
today. Lots of palms and rocks. No more mowing lawns for me. Another
scorcher today, but I love it here...

OCTOBER 10TH - The temperature hasn't been below 35 all week. How do
people get used to this kind of heat? At least today it's windy
though. Keeps the flies off a bit. Acclimatizing is taking longer than
I expected.

OCTOBER 15TH - Fell asleep by the pool yesterday. Got third degree
burns over 60% of my body. Missed three days of work. What a dumb
thing to do! Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

OCTOBER 20TH - Didn't notice Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the Mazda
before I left for work this morning. By the time I got back to the car
after work, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping
bag and stuck to the upholstery. The car now smells like Whiskettes
and cat ****. I've earned my lesson though: no more pets in this heat.

OCTOBER 25 - This wind is a bastard. It feels like a giant ****in'
blow dryer. And it's hot as hell! The home air conditioner is on the
blink and the repair man charged $200 just to drive over and tell me
he needs to order parts from ****in' Sydney ....

OCTOBER 30TH - The temperature's up around 40 and the parts still
haven't arrived for the ****in' aircon. Been sleeping outside by the
pool for three nights now. Bloody $600,000 house and we can't even go
inside. Why the hell did I ever come here?

NOVEMBER 4 - Finally got the ol' aircon fixed. It cost $1,500 and
gets the temperature down to around 25 degrees, but the humidity makes
it feel about 30. Stupid repairman.

NOVEMBER 8 - If one more smart arse says 'Hot enough for you today?'
I'm going to ****in' throttle him. ****in' heat! By the time I get to
work, the car's radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking
****in' wet and I smell like baked cat!

NOVEMBER 9 Tried to run some errands after work, wore shorts, and
sat on the black leather upholstery in the ol' car. I thought my
****in' arse was on fire. I lost two layers of flesh, all the hair on
the backs of my legs and my ****in' arse. Now the car smells like
burnt hair, fried arse and baked cat!

NOVEMBER 10 - Weather report! It might as well be a ****in'
recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny, Hot and ****in' sunny! It's
been too hot to do anything for two ****in' months and the weatherman
says it might really warm up next week.

NOVEMBER 15 - Doesn't it ever rain in this damn ****in' place? Water
restrictions will be next, so my $5,000 worth of palms might just dry
up and blow into the ****in' pool. The only things that thrive in this
hell-hole are the ****in' flies. You don't dare open your mouth for
fear of swallowing half a dozen of the ****ers!

NOVEMBER 20TH - Welcome to HELL! It got to 45 ****in' degrees today.
Now the air conditioner's gone in my car. The repair man came to fix
it and said, 'Hot enough for you today?' I had to spend the $2,500
mortgage payment to bail me out of jail for assaulting the stupid
****er. ****in' Brisbane! What kind of sick, demented ****in' idiot
would want to live here!

DECEMBER 1 -

WHAT!!!!

The first day of Summer!!!!

You are ****in' kidding!

And here is another in the same vein- the diary of an Argentine who moves to Toronto. "La puta nieve." Hilarious! But it's in Spanish...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rrE-rMJps5M

[delmarrey]

Please ... forward ... PLEASE!



DO NOT USE the $1, $5, $10, $20, $50 or the $100 USA bills in your possession as they have pictures of former slave owners on them! The bills are also atheistophobic?





Send them all to me and I will dispose of them properly!!!




I repeat, do not just throw them away!

Being a qualified Boat owner, I have the knowledge and experience to dispose of prejudice money.

Thanks,,,!

[CaptTom]

OK, since we're going there, here's an oldie but goodie:

Dear Diary:

Aug. 1 - Moved to our new house in Maine. It is so beautiful here. The city is so picturesque. Can hardly wait to see it covered with snow. I LOVE IT HERE.

Oct. 14 - New England is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves are turning all different colors. I love the shades of red and orange. Went for a ride through the hills and saw some deer. They are so graceful. Certainly they are the most peaceful animals on earth. This must be paradise. I LOVE IT HERE.

Nov. 11 - Deer season will open soon. I can't imagine anyone wanting to kill such an elegant creature. The very symbol of peace and tranquility. Hope it will snow soon. I LOVE IT HERE.

Dec. 2 - It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed in white. It looked like a postcard. Went outside and cleaned snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snowball fight today (I won). When the snowplow came by we had to shovel the driveway again. What a beautiful place. Mother Nature in perfect harmony. I LOVE IT HERE.

Dec. 12 - More snow last night. I love it. The snowplow guy did his trick again (that rascal). A winter wonderland. I LOVE IT HERE.

Dec. 19 - Snowed again last night. Couldn't get out of the driveway to get to work on time. I'm exhausted from shoveling. DAMN SNOWPLOW!

Dec. 22 - More of that white **** fell last night. I've got blisters on my hands from shoveling. I think the snowplow hides around the corner and waits until I'm done shoveling. THAT *******!!!

Dec. 25 - "White Christmas" my busted ass. More friggin' snow. If I ever get my hands on that son-of-a-bitch who drives that snowplow, I swear I will castrate the dumb bastard. Don't know why they don't use more salt on this shitty ice. DAMN ICE!

Dec. 28 - More of the same crap last night. Been inside since Christmas Day except for when "Snowplow Harry" comes by. Can't go anywhere. The car is buried in a mountain of white ****. The weatherman says expect another 10 inches of this **** tonight. Do you know how many shovels full of snow 10 inches is? ONE HELL OF ALOT!

Jan. 1 - Happy Friggin' New Year. The weatherman was wrong (AGAIN). We got 24 miserable inches of snow this time. At this rate it won't melt until the 4th of July. The snowplow got stuck down the road and that ****-for-brains had the balls to come to the door and ask to borrow my shovel. I told him I broke 6 shovels already, shoveling out the **** he plowed into my driveway. I broke the 7th shovel over the *******'s head. DAMN, ANOTHER SHOVEL WASTED! Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get food and on the way back a deer ran out in front of the car and I hit the filthy creature. Did about $3,000 damage to the car. Wish those hunters would have killed them all last November. DAMN HUNTERS!

May 3 - Took the car to the garage in town today. Would you believe the body is rotting away from all the friggin' salt they keep dumping all over the roads? It really looks like a piece of rusting ****. DAMN SALT!

May 10 - Moved to Florida today. I can't imagine why anyone in their right friggin' mind would want to live in the God forsaken State of Maine. I LOVE IT HERE. Damn! Something just bit me....

[K_V_B]

Originally Posted by CaptTom

Nov. 11 - Deer season will open soon. I can't imagine anyone wanting to kill such an elegant creature. The very symbol of peace and tranquility. Hope it will snow soon. I LOVE IT HERE.

Dec. 2 - It snowed last night.

Where I live the hunting season ends when the first snow falls. Would be short hunting season in Maine...

[CaptTom]

Originally Posted by K_V_B

Where I live the hunting season ends when the first snow falls. Would be short hunting season in Maine...

It is. Sometimes we get a snow before the end of the season. Hunters love that. Much easier to track. For me it means I can go out in the back field again without getting shot.

Oh wait, this is a joke thread. OK, here's a funny (and true) story:

I was in S. Florida on business (won't name the city) and my wife came along for the week. We were walking back to the hotel when several shots rang out. She kept walking, apparently unfazed. I turned and calmly said:

(scroll down for the punch line...)

...

"You know they're not hunting, right?"

Her response:

"Oh, S**t!" and a quickened pace.