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Old 16-09-2017, 10:09   #2566
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Re: The New Joke Thread

That is not Florida any longer. It is Miami. No joke.
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Old 16-09-2017, 10:18   #2567
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Re: The New Joke Thread

This is a hoot !

https://www.youmail.com/community/gr...wering_service
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Old 16-09-2017, 13:22   #2568
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Hey, I'm a grandfather and never once, not once, have I had to listen to that OB/Gyn stuff but be that as it may I wanted to address the use of the word "hoot". Geez, Louise! Gotta be old to use that term - and like me gotta be old to understand it! (Well, less than Victorianesque kind of old. )

Reminds me: Was at the grocery store t'other day and my wife is so much better looking than me that a cashier just put a plastic divider down in the middle of our groceries. Can't get respect no more.... <shakes head>

Now excuse me - gotta yell at some kids walking down the dock with fishing rods. Dad-burned whippersnappers!
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Old 26-09-2017, 15:34   #2569
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Re: The New Joke Thread

The room was full of pregnant women and their husbands.

The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial - strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surfaces, like a grass path."

"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."

The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information. After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.

"Yes?" said the Instructor.

"I was just wondering . . . would it be all right if she carries a golf bag?"

THIS LEVEL OF SENSITIVITY CAN'T BE TAUGHT.

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Old 30-09-2017, 09:50   #2570
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Three men were sentenced to be executed by guillotine; a priest, a Muslim, and an engineer.

First to go was the priest and he asked that he face upwards so he could look at Heaven and his Creator. His wish was granted and the blade fell, but stopped 1/2 inch from his neck. The executioner said since the guillotine spared him, so was his life and he was allowed to leave.

Next was the Muslim and he asked that he also be allowed to face upwards to look to Allah before his death. Again the guillotine stopped just short and his life was spared as well.

The engineer was last and he too asked to face upwards given what happened with the first two. As he lay there, he looked up at the mechanism and said, "Aha, I see the problem!".
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Old 07-10-2017, 02:32   #2571
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Husband: "Before I die I need to confess something."

Wife: "Sssshhh now, there's nothing to confess, everything is all right."

Husband: "No, I must die in peace, I slept with your sister, your best friend, and two of your co-workers."

Wife: "I know, that's why I poisoned you. Now close your eyes..."
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Old 07-10-2017, 06:10   #2572
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A desperate looking woman stood poised on the edge of a high bridge, about to jump off.

An old homeless guy who was wandering by stopped and said, "Look, since you'll be dead in a few minutes, and it won't matter to you, how about a quickie before you go?"

She screamed, "NO! Bug off you filthy old bastard!"

He shrugged and turned away saying, "Okay then, I'll just go and wait at the bottom."

She didn't jump.

Object lesson: Suicide counseling really does work!
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Old 09-10-2017, 15:26   #2573
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Doctor's Exam



A Pakistani immigrant goes to a Doctor in Dearborn Michigan and says, "I feel terrible."



The Doctor examines him and then says, "You need to pee and crap in a bucket for a week, throw in a dead fish and a rotting cabbage. Put a towel over your head hold your face over the bucket and inhale the vapors for 3 days."



The man does this and goes back to the Doctor and says, "I feel wonderful!! What was wrong with me?"



"You were homesick."
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Old 09-10-2017, 15:43   #2574
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Hateful racist cr^p, how could anyone think anything to do with "funny"?
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Old 09-10-2017, 15:52   #2575
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Hateful racist cr^p, how could anyone think anything to do with "funny"?
Ouch...most humour is at someone's expense of course, but apologies...no offense intended
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Old 09-10-2017, 16:07   #2576
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Hateful racist cr^p, how could anyone think anything to do with "funny"?
I am so sick of people pretending that others are Racist. You included.
But then I bet you think the new definition of "HERO" is anyone who showed up. Sad that you cannot distinguish between a nation and a race!!!

End of Rant!

Now, have you ever been to Pakistan? Do you know anything about it first hand? I bet not. I do though.

I landed there in 1960 as a seven year old and the first thing I remember when stepping to the stairs to deplane was the smell. The stink. The awful stench. You see, they did not (and still don't) have advanced sewage and garbage systems like my wonderful and world wide sought after and copied and envied country. It has nothing to do with what you think. It is simply a fact.

If you don't want to be offended by a joke then I suggest you never look at another one because there is, for sure, one (or more) about your "race".
Please unsubscribe to this thread too.
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Old 09-10-2017, 16:32   #2577
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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...have you ever been to Pakistan?
Yep...and my experience was the same, so much so that I can pretty well conjure up the 'fragrance' even now, many years later...and so much so that the joke made me smile, a reaction I was intending to share with other cruisers, especially since this thread seems to struggle for contributions...and on that note (and at great risk -- It seems - of offending someone!?) back to jokes...


On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter.

In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed...and this scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank. She explained that for the more than three decades she had "charged" him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out...

"If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"

That's when she shot him. You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.
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Old 09-10-2017, 16:35   #2578
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Re: The New Joke Thread

I've noticed a trend, probably been going on for a while. People who lack a sense of humor tend to get offended easily. They should probably not read the joke thread, since they're apparently not getting the funny bits.
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Old 09-10-2017, 16:44   #2579
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Re: The New Joke Thread

I'm stuck on the math.
Is it like 138 times a month the two had sex?
Not even sure I could do that. At my best I mean.


I never got the chance to try though.
I didn't think of using $20 bills.
Some of you younger newcomers let us know if it seems to be working for you.

(that's a joke)
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Old 09-10-2017, 17:36   #2580
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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I'm stuck on the math.

Is it like 138 times a month the two had sex?

Not even sure I could do that. At my best I mean.

)


Ah, the miracle of compound interest
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