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Old 10-08-2017, 21:02   #2521
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Re: The New Joke Thread

If you like this joke and elect to retell it verbally, it is imperative that you employ the most outrageous accents possible. You must also play the part of the chief- this CANNOT be told sitting. On to the joke.



It's 1765 and an intense typhoon destroys a sailing vessel on a reef off the Coral Coast of Viti Levu.

In the morning, upon awakening on the beach, three men discover they are the sole survivors. They are a Frenchman, a Brit, and an American.

They aren't alone for long. Before they can gather their wits, a bunch of i-Taukei (Fijian) warriors discover them, bind them, and take them to the village.

In short order, it's clear something is up. Specifically, the quickly escalating party environment, and particularly the giant pots of boiling water suggest that the arrival of the shipwreck victims is cause for great celebration and a fabulous feast....if you know what I mean.

As dusk arrives the village is in full on party mode. The three palagi (white men) are brought before the big Ratu (chief), who is backed by more than 100 tatooed and sweaty warriors.

The Ratu looks the palagi up and down, sniffing them, touching them. Then he announces: "Me big chief. Me give you choice. Death or Bula Bula!" The warriors go wild. The surviving palagi are, rightfully so, terrified.

Ratu faces the Frenchman and repeats: "Me big chief. Me give you choice. Death or Bula Bula?"

The cringing and shaking French sailor squeaks out some unintelligible sounds. Ratu demands "What you say? What you want? Death or Bula Bula?"

Gathering some control, the Frenchman rationalizes to the chief. "I ama Frensch. I don't want to die, so you giva me this Bula Bula."

At this the big Ratu turns around facing his braves, and screams "BULA BULA" at which the warriors go into a frenzy chanting "BULA BULA. BULA BULA."

[Break break. if you are under 20 years old, stop reading.]

The i-Taukei warriors, all hundred plus, then line up in a conga line type pose, pounding feet back and forth. The first warrior takes the Frenchman, bends him over, and gives him Bula Bula. This continues on down the line until the natives have all had a turn, at which point the Frenchman is left crying and bleeding in the sand.

Now it is the American's turn. Big Ratu goes face-to-face with him, spittle on his lip and asks with a wry smile, "You want death or Bula Bula?"

The American sailor weeps. He knows there is no third choice, and escape is not an option. He mulls it over and finally whispers to the chief "I'm an American. Unlike the French, we don't do this Bula Bula thing. But I don't want to die, so....so....bula bula."

Again, the chief spins around to face his men, screams "BULA BULA" to which there is much rejoicing and merriment. The American experiences exactly what the Frenchman did (albeit, for the first time), and he too is left in the sand, alive but a broken man.

Finally, it is the Brit's turn. The Chief says to him: "Me big chief. Me give you choice. Death or Bula Bula!"

The British sailor stands tall. He stares down his Hannovarian beak, beady eyes blazing and counters: "I am Bri-ish. I am a subject of the Crown. I fear death not, and I will not be violated by you dirty, shittty, ugly people. GIVE ME DEATH!" and then spits upon the chief.

The chief bounces forward so they are toe-to-toe. He closes one eye to better focus into the face of an adversary. He cranes his neck out until they are nose to nose.

Ratu whispers..."are you sure?" To which the stolid Brit responds "YES! Give me death!"

Big Ratu turns around, facing the line of his perspiring, sex-frenzied warriors and declares "DEATH by BULA BULA!"
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Old 11-08-2017, 14:12   #2522
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Re: The New Joke Thread

An oldie but a goodie, that one brought out a big grin!
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Old 11-08-2017, 16:06   #2523
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Re: The New Joke Thread

So while 'Ol George was ordering up another round of beer I took a stroll towards the gents. Here's some bits and bobs of conversation overheard down at the pub...


... Trumpanzees? Snowflakes? I say NO to the PC culture! NO!!
So I bought a smartphone....
***

... was chatting via Skype with a friend in Scotland about the latest with US Pres. Donald Trump & DPRK leader Kim Jong-Un. My friend noted that the US might be trying to make up for being late for the last two World Wars by being very punctual or even early this time around....
***

... one of the most wonderful things in life is to wake up and enjoy a cuddle with somebody. Unless you are in prison...
***

.... do'ya know which country’s capital is the fastest growing? Ireland’s.

Every year it’s Dublin.
***

... so I was at the lawyer's, right? And he's reading my Uncle Bob's "Last Will and Testament", right? Says he's leaving me the entire contents of his safe deposit box! The key is hidden under a rock somewhere in Canada. And for his ex-wife, my Aunt Jane, he says he's leaving the rest of his estate provided that within six months of the reading of the will she woe and marry whoever is the then current Ayatollah of Iran. Uncle Bob... Am I right?...
***

... my ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is steadily improving.
***

... and apparently taking a day off is not something you should do when you work for a calendar company...
***

... c'mon - seriously - jokes about unemployed people are not funny.
They just don't work.
***

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Old 11-08-2017, 16:28   #2524
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by svmariane View Post
For the Xmas shopping list maybe....
Really not very sporting making fun of my Swiss Army knife.

I have the "Swiss Champ" which looks like a thigh-bruising, pocket-busting lump - but it's actually not that clunky and all you need is duct tape to complete the ensemble.
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Old 12-08-2017, 10:08   #2525
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Really not very sporting making fun of my Swiss Army knife.

I have the "Swiss Champ" which looks like a thigh-bruising, pocket-busting lump - but it's actually not that clunky and all you need is duct tape to complete the ensemble.
Did you expand the photo & read the customer review? And deducting two stars because, well, something about breasts? {Post #2520}


Anyway..............
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Old 14-08-2017, 11:24   #2526
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A man born with a second "man part" was a pretty arrogant dude. Every time I talked to him, he was just.. too cocky.
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Old 14-08-2017, 13:49   #2527
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Did you hear about the guy who was born with five of them!?

His Doctor asked him, "how do your pants fit?"





The guy replied "Like a glove!"
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Old 14-08-2017, 19:33   #2528
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Have you heard the one about the bloke born with, not two, but three, gonads?

Of course, he had a supremely deep voice, but initially wasn't aware of his good fortune, until a routine annual medical disclosed nature's benificence.

Over-excited, and eager to share the brilliant news, he told the cab driver on his journey home from the doctor:

[basso profundo] "Between you and me mate, we've got five balls!"

The cab driver immediately replied:

[falsetto] "Gee, you must have a cluster!"

[It works better if you say it out loud following the voice types described above....]
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Old 15-08-2017, 14:24   #2529
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Two blondes are filling up at a petrol station and the first blonde says to the second, "I bet these awful fuel prices are going to go even higher." The second blonde replies, "Won't affect me, I always put in just $10 worth."
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---------
One day, Jill's husband came home from the office and found her sobbing convulsively.
"I feel terrible," she told him. "I was pressing your suit and I burned a big hole in the seat of your trousers."
"Forget it," consoled her husband. "Remember that I bought an extra pair of trousers for that suit." "Yes, and it's lucky for you that you did," said Jill, drying her eyes. "I used them to patch the hole."
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ----------------
Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde said,
"Look at that dog with one eye!"
The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says, "Where?"
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ----------------
A blonde decided to redecorate her bedroom. She wasn't sure how many rolls of wallpaper she would need, but she knew that her blonde friend from next door had recently done the same job and the two rooms were identical in size.
"Buffy," she said, "How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your bedroom?"
"Ten," said Buffy.
So the blonde bought the ten rolls of paper and did the job, but she had 2 rolls leftover.
"Buffy," she said. "I bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom, but I've got 2 leftover!" "Yes," said Buffy. "So did I."
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ----------------
A blonde bought two horses and could never remember which was which. A neighbour suggested that she cut off the tail of one horse, which worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush.
The second horse's tail tore in the same place and looked exactly like the other horse's tail. Our blonde friend was stuck again. The neighbour then suggested that she notch the ear of one horse, which worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence. Once again, our blonde friend couldn't tell the two horses apart. The neighbour then suggested that she measure the horses for height. When she did that, the blonde was very pleased to find that the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black one.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ----------------
The executive was interviewing a young blonde for a position in his company. He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with any person, living or dead, who would that be?" The blonde quickly responded, "The living one."
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Old 15-08-2017, 17:53   #2530
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Re: The New Joke Thread

And then there was the executive who was hiring a new personal assistant. The HR walla brought in three applicants, and gave them a simple test.

The first was asked " what is two and two"? "Why, four, of course" was the answer.

The second's answer was " Twenty-two".

The third said "Well, it could mean the sum, which is four, or it could mean the combination, which is twenty-two".

Later the HR guy was explaining the results: The first is straight forward and literal, a solid worker. The second is able to think outside of the box and see alternative possibilities..., someone who can add imagination to the job. And the third, she has both attributes and can see the need for adaptability and imagination as well as the mundane. Now, which one do you want?

Boss: "The blond with the big boobs"

HR folks have a tough row to hoe!

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Old 15-08-2017, 17:55   #2531
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by Jim Cate View Post
And then there was the executive who was hiring a new personal assistant. The HR walla brought in three applicants, and gave them a simple test.

The first was asked " what is two and two"? "Why, four, of course" was the answer.

The second's answer was " Twenty-two".

The third said "Well, it could mean the sum, which is four, or it could mean the combination, which is twenty-two".

Later the HR guy was explaining the results: The first is straight forward and literal, a solid worker. The second is able to think outside of the box and see alternative possibilities..., someone who can add imagination to the job. And the third, she has both attributes and can see the need for adaptability and imagination as well as the mundane. Now, which one do you want?

Boss: "The blond with the big boobs"

HR folks have a tough row to hoe!

Jim
Yep, worked for a years in a place just like that. The boss said we didn't need a HR consultant, he could decide for himself.

He always chose the applicant with the shortest skirt.

You can just guess how well THAT policy worked out.
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Old 16-08-2017, 19:20   #2532
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Yep, worked for a years in a place just like that. The boss said we didn't need a HR consultant, he could decide for himself.

He always chose the applicant with the shortest skirt.

You can just guess how well THAT policy worked out.
Yep, the boss's wife took over the interview process...
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Old 16-08-2017, 19:27   #2533
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Yep, the boss's wife took over the interview process...


I wish. She had brains, not a short skirt.

No, the skirts got shorter and, oddly enough, the length of time before they were fired also got shorter.

I think there was pretty well a direct mathematical relationship.

Not sure how that ties in with George Taylor's Hemline Index. Might be an interesting thesis for someone to pursue.
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Old 19-08-2017, 18:05   #2534
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Remember when you were young & dumb?

So I'm a guy. Back in high school & I had this huge crush on this girl who lived next door. We were sitting and chatting on the front stoop and she said that she always wanted to be kissed in the rain. Later, after supper, she rings on the phone and asks me to meet her in her driveway. I said something along the lines of "What - are you crazy?!? It's pouring outside!"


Freshman year at college.

Watching TV in my room at roughly 2 AM... with a friend... in the dark...
Her: applying strawberry lip gloss.
Me: why are you putting on lip gloss?
Her: strawberry lip gloss tastes so nice.
Me: haha you're weird.
Her: want to taste?
Me: nah I already know what it tastes like.


Summer break.

Her: "Hey! There's room in my tent if you want to join me!"
Me: "Thanks, but I brought my own tent!"


Sophomore year.

A friend weaseled her way over to watch a movie at my place with me. I didn't think too much of it. We were happily watching a movie, then another. Me on my side of the couch, her on the other. After the second movie, she just looked over at me and said out loud: "Oh, f*ck it". At that point she literally just jumped me. And, as clever as I am, that's the moment I realized she was interested in me... when she was on top of me removing her clothes. I'm pretty quick sometimes.


First job.

I was out of town, chatting to a girl at a bar. We figured out that I was 13 inches taller than her. She said: "That's funny. I'm going out on a date with a guy tomorrow who's 13 inches taller than me. And I'll probably 'eff him later that night." My response? "Well, that's a weird coincidence."
I didn't figure it out until (two days later) I was on the plane to my next stop.


And that's the story of why my friends think I'm socially retarded.





P.S.:
I love how music can take you to another place....

For example, Barbra Streisand is playing in this cafe so now I'm going to a different cafe.
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Old 19-08-2017, 18:30   #2535
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Re: The New Joke Thread

* * RULES FOR MY CAR * *

- No food

- I pick the music

- Must put this mask on

- Feet off dash

- Here take this gun

- We're robbing a bank

- Don't be a pussy
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