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Old 19-08-2017, 18:33   #2536
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Old 19-08-2017, 18:52   #2537
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by D&D View Post
Two blondes are filling up at a petrol station and the first blonde says to the second, "I bet these awful fuel prices are going to go even higher." The second blonde replies, "Won't affect me, I always put in just $10 worth."

------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---------

."


Not a joke, but I met a Woman who always filled up her SUV when it was down to half a tank, she had noticed the last half went quicker than the first half, so obviously it got better gas mileage the first half, right?
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Old 19-08-2017, 19:43   #2538
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by svmariane View Post
Remember when you were young & dumb?

So I'm a guy. Back in high school & I had this huge crush on this girl who lived next door. We were sitting and chatting on the front stoop and she said that she always wanted to be kissed in the rain. Later, after supper, she rings on the phone and asks me to meet her in her driveway. I said something along the lines of "What - are you crazy?!? It's pouring outside!"


Freshman year at college.

Watching TV in my room at roughly 2 AM... with a friend... in the dark...
Her: applying strawberry lip gloss.
Me: why are you putting on lip gloss?
Her: strawberry lip gloss tastes so nice.
Me: haha you're weird.
Her: want to taste?
Me: nah I already know what it tastes like.


Summer break.

Her: "Hey! There's room in my tent if you want to join me!"
Me: "Thanks, but I brought my own tent!"


Sophomore year.

A friend weaseled her way over to watch a movie at my place with me. I didn't think too much of it. We were happily watching a movie, then another. Me on my side of the couch, her on the other. After the second movie, she just looked over at me and said out loud: "Oh, f*ck it". At that point she literally just jumped me. And, as clever as I am, that's the moment I realized she was interested in me... when she was on top of me removing her clothes. I'm pretty quick sometimes.


First job.

I was out of town, chatting to a girl at a bar. We figured out that I was 13 inches taller than her. She said: "That's funny. I'm going out on a date with a guy tomorrow who's 13 inches taller than me. And I'll probably 'eff him later that night." My response? "Well, that's a weird coincidence."
I didn't figure it out until (two days later) I was on the plane to my next stop.


And that's the story of why my friends think I'm socially retarded.





P.S.:
I love how music can take you to another place....

For example, Barbra Streisand is playing in this cafe so now I'm going to a different cafe.

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
- Billy Crystal
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Old 19-08-2017, 20:02   #2539
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Re: The New Joke Thread

http://www.bydewey.com/SamsungDeutschWaltherAug11.jpg
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Old 19-08-2017, 22:35   #2540
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Re: The New Joke Thread

{ahem}

May I have your attention please!

A recent submission of mine titled "Remember when you were young & dumb?" was inadvertently transwarped or fell through and out the backside of an erratic space-time continuum.

And was seen by my wife.

She wishes to pass the following message to the CF community:

"Remember ladies, so many men, so few bullets....."

That is all. Carry on.


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Old 20-08-2017, 04:05   #2541
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Re: The New Joke Thread

TRUE STORY.

I'm in Annapolis at the Sail Boat Show a few years back. Just up the street from the piers is a bar/pub, Rosie O'Grady's, I think it is.
After a few pitchers of suds, I need to pump my bilges. Take a position somewhere along a line of piss chutes and start pumping out. A group of guys from St. Michaels side, look like commercial fisherman types, short boots, jeans, plaid shirts, come in and spread out either side of me. Well, the usual comments along the lines of " This must be the Executive washroom, because it's where all the big knobs hang out ! ", are heard.
Suddenly, one guy immediately to my left, rips off a thunderous fart !!-- guy on the other side of me leans forward and says " Gawdammit Billy, - first ya waterpump start leaking, an' now ya blow a phuckin'head gasket ""

I love Annapolis. or 3.
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Old 20-08-2017, 06:50   #2542
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Re: The New Joke Thread

RE: "Young and Dumb"


I am also an avid motorcyclist, and we used to have a local bike night at a small chain "Breastraunt" called "Wing House". (Think Hooters).


I was picking up a set of aftermarket rearsets from a guy, and we agreed to meet at Bike Night. I drive there instead of ride, and I'm wearing a "Boondock Saints" T-shirt.


I get out of my truck, and I'm walking up to the door, and one of the waitresses opens the door. She says to me "I like your shirt"


Me: "Thanks"


The guy I'm meeting is there, so I go back out to my truck to get the cash.


Same Waitress at the door: "That's a great movie"


Me: "Yup"


Get the cash and head back into the restaurant.


Same Waitress: "I love that movie, but it's been a long time since I've seen it"


(I have the collectors edition box set DVD at home)


Me: "Oh, you should rent it sometime.........."
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Old 21-08-2017, 12:39   #2543
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Re: The New Joke Thread

More of those bits and bobs of conversation overheard down at the pub...

I asked my daughter if she’d seen my newspaper. She told me that newspapers are old school. She said that people use tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad. The fly didn’t stand a chance.
***

I’ve always thought my neighbors were quite nice people.
But then they put a password on their Wi-Fi.
***

When I look at chocolate, I hear two voices in my head.

The first one says: “You need to eat that chocolate.”

The other voice goes: “You heard. Eat the chocolate.”
***

Two years ago I asked the girl of my dreams on a date, today I asked her to marry me. She said no, on both occasions.
***

My wife is a bit weird. She always starts her talking with
“Michael, are you listening to me?”
***

Just came here from a training session. Two hours on the treadmill did me really good. If only I could somehow stop the constant beeping and the irritated comments of the cashier.
***

Do you want to hear a joke backwards?

Okay... Start laughing.
***

My SMS autocorrect just changed "I’m so concerned with existential anxieties it is difficult to breathe" into "I feel great".
***

My friend boasted he had the body of a Greek god.
I had to explain where Buddha actually comes from.
***

Nothing ruins a great Friday more than realizing it’s actually Wednesday.
***




P.S.:

A recent scientific study showed that out of 2,293,618,367 people, 94% are too lazy to actually read that number at first but will go back and check it before reaching the end of this sentence.
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Old 21-08-2017, 12:50   #2544
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Re: The New Joke Thread

It occurred to me that when a guy says he likes girls with a sense of humor, he doesn't mean that he wants a girl to be really witty and funny.

He means he wants her to laugh at his jokes.
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Old 21-08-2017, 13:50   #2545
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Breaking news...

The Onion has obtained hundreds of documents from an anonymous source within the White House. Presidential Briefings; Secret Recordings; Central Intelligence Agency; The Lighthouse Question, etc..

The Trump Documents - The Onion - America's Finest News Source
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Old 26-08-2017, 11:00   #2546
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Re: The New Joke Thread

The perils of travel.......


A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman, saying, “Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.”

“I have a better idea,” she replied in a sultry tone, “Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married.”

“Wow. That's a great idea!” he exclaimed.

“Good,” she replied, “Get your own damn blanket.”

After a moment of silence, he farted.

.
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Old 27-08-2017, 18:44   #2547
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Re: The New Joke Thread

On "The Science Show", comments were reported from a professor...

"whose study of nano-technology was so successful that he had to move into smaller premises".

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Old 28-08-2017, 07:06   #2548
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Oldie but goodie


A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers,
went on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill Downs ) to learn about
thoroughbred racing horses.

When it was time to take the kids to the bathroom, the girls went with one teacher
and the boys went with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach
the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began lifting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their 'pee-pees' to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one little guy, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually
well-endowed. Trying not to stare, the teacher said,"You must be in the 5th grade."

"No ma'am" he replied, "I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race,
but I appreciate your help."
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Old 29-08-2017, 12:30   #2549
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Re: The New Joke Thread

This morning, around 7:00 AM, I went for my stroll around the marina, I noticed a man running down the dock toward me dressed in Islamic clothing who shouted "Allah be praised!" and "Death to all Infidels!", when suddenly he tripped and fell into the water.

He was struggling to stay afloat because of the weight of all the explosives he was carrying, and I knew that If he didn't get help he would surely drown!

Being a responsible citizen, and abiding by the moral code that requires a person to help those in distress, I contacted the Police, the Coast Guard, Homeland Security and even the Fire Department!

It is now 11:00 AM, the terrorist has drowned, and none of the authorities have responded. I'm starting to think I just wasted four stamps.
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Old 31-08-2017, 14:18   #2550
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by jibstay View Post
This morning, around 7:00 AM, I went for my stroll around the marina, I noticed a man running down the dock toward me dressed in Islamic clothing who shouted "Allah be praised!" and "Death to all Infidels!", when suddenly he tripped and fell into the water.

He was struggling to stay afloat because of the weight of all the explosives he was carrying, and I knew that If he didn't get help he would surely drown!

Being a responsible citizen, and abiding by the moral code that requires a person to help those in distress, I contacted the Police, the Coast Guard, Homeland Security and even the Fire Department!

It is now 11:00 AM, the terrorist has drowned, and none of the authorities have responded. I'm starting to think I just wasted four stamps.


Should have sent an email...

https://youtu.be/uesx85EHRTo
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