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Old 12-12-2016, 11:38   #1846
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jason Flare View Post
Who wrote The Autobiography of Alice B. Toklas?


Gertrude Stein.
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Old 13-12-2016, 10:51   #1847
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Who wrote Shakespeare's plays?


Who cares, they are entertaining.
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Old 18-12-2016, 13:21   #1848
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Obama, Hillary and Trump are standing at the gates of heaven. God looks at them from his high throne and says, "Before granting you a place at my side, I must ask you what you have learned, what you believe in."

God asks Obama first, "What do you believe in?"

He thinks long and hard, looks God in the eye and says, "I believe in hard work and staying true to family and friends. I believe in giving. I was lucky, but I always tried to do right by my countrymen."

God can't help but see the essential goodness of Obama and offers him a seat to his left.

Then God turns to Hillary and say, "What do you believe?"

Hillary says "I believe passion and discipline, courage and honor are the fundamentals of life. Like Obama, I believe in hard work. I too, have been lucky, but win or lose, I've always tried to be a true patriot and a loyal American."

God is greatly moved by Hillary's high-pitched eloquence and he offers her a seat to his right.

Finally, God turns to Trump and says, "And you Donald, what do you believe?"

Trump replies...."I believe you're in my seat."
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Old 18-12-2016, 15:08   #1849
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Re: The New Joke Thread

I just saw this on an old pos beater, and it made me laugh, so I had to share:

"It's a hybrid, it burns both gas and oil!"
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Old 20-12-2016, 12:36   #1850
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Re: The New Joke Thread

English Joke

Sir and his lady are bumping uglies. John is standing by the bed, holding a candle.
Sir: “Dear, are you enjoying yourself?”
Lady: “I’m afraid not.”
Ten minutes later:
Sir: “How about now, my love?”
Lady: “Can’t say I am.”
Sir: “John, let’s switch places.”
John: “As you wish, Sir.”
Ten more minutes later, Lady is visibly satisfied.
Sir: “And that, John, is how you hold the candle.”
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Old 24-12-2016, 07:25   #1851
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met.
After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding.
Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Because of global warming he was stuck with his sleigh due to lack of snow. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.

Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.

Question: Who was the survivor?
*** Scroll down for the answer


Answer: The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.
**** Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke. Men keep scrolling.


So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.
*** Men keep scrolling



By the way, if you're a woman and you're still reading, this illustrates another point:
Women never listen.
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Old 24-12-2016, 09:13   #1852
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Re: The New Joke Thread

LMAO!
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Old 25-12-2016, 14:33   #1853
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Re: The New Joke Thread

In the Yuletide spirit?


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Old 25-12-2016, 15:55   #1854
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Re: The New Joke Thread

That might get a little awkward. Hope it doesn't trigger any of them!
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Old 30-12-2016, 13:26   #1855
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Old 01-01-2017, 02:26   #1856
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Re: The New Joke Thread

In response to the Chinese Trump bird.

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Old 01-01-2017, 12:29   #1857
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Celestial navigation...... ❄

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Old 01-01-2017, 12:58   #1858
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Some thoughts for the day...

I found this timely, because today I was in a store that sells sunglasses, and only sunglasses. A young lady walks over to me and asks, "What brings you in today?"
I looked at her, and said, "I'm interested in buying a refrigerator.” She didn't quite know how to respond


Am I getting to be that age?

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one. So I'm wearing my garage door opener.

I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.

I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age and calling it 'Pumping Rust.'

When people see a cat's litter box they always say, “Oh, have you got a cat?” Just once I want to say, “No, it's for company!”

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be called in case of an emergency. I think you should write, ‘An ambulance.'

The older you get the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble..

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words ' The' and ' IRS ' together it spells 'Theirs...'

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Some people try to turn back their "odometers." Not me. I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

Ah! Being young is beautiful but being old is comfortable.

May you always have Love to Share, Cash to Spare, And Friends who Care
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Old 01-01-2017, 18:06   #1859
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Re: The New Joke Thread

For those of my generation who do not and cannot comprehend why Facebook exists; I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles.

Therefore, every day I walk down the street and tell passersby what I have eaten, how I feel at the moment, what I have done the night before, what I will do later, and with whom.

I give them pictures of my family, my dog, and of me gardening, taking things apart in the garage, watering the lawn, standing in front of landmarks, driving around town, having lunch, and doing what anybody and everybody does every day.

I also listen to their conversations, give them the "thumbs up" and tell them I like them.

...and it works just like Facebook...

I waste lots of peoples time.
I already have four people following me:

Two police officers, a private investigator, and a psychiatrist.


I don’t get it... If you can do it on-line, why not for real??????
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Old 02-01-2017, 17:21   #1860
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Re: The New Joke Thread

You know that you are getting old when you can pour milk over your pills and eat them for breakfast.
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