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Old 05-12-2016, 16:19   #1831
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Priceless

The doctor said, "Alfie, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.
You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Alfie was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. But when he thought about it some more, he decided he'd rather be free of pain. He had*no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... A new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... Size 44 long."
Alfie laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.
Alfie tried on the suit; it fit perfectly.
As Alfie admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
Alfie thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Alfie and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."
Alfie was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years," the man repeated.
Alfie tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.
Alfie walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"
Alfie thought for a moment, then said, "Sure."
The salesman said, "Let's see... Size 36."
Alfie laughed, "Aha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $18
Second opinion - PRICELESS.
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Old 05-12-2016, 16:22   #1832
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Re: The New Joke Thread

OMG that's so bad it's good.
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Old 06-12-2016, 09:56   #1833
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Re: The New Joke Thread

[QUOTE=D&D;2267546]THE 2016 DARWIN AWARDS

You've been waiting for them with baited breath,
so without further ado, here are the 2016 Darwin Awards:

[B][U][COLOR=navy]...

All male, except one half of the couple, have there been any female DA winners?
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Old 06-12-2016, 10:45   #1834
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by belizesailor View Post

All male, except one half of the couple, have there been any female DA winners?

Any female married to a winner automatically gets an honorable mention.
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Old 06-12-2016, 17:02   #1835
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Adelie View Post
Any female married to a winner automatically gets an honorable mention.
How about if she just be the baby momma?
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Old 06-12-2016, 18:22   #1836
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Therapy View Post
How about if she just be the baby momma?

Then by definition she has moved on and still has the option of procreating a timely manner so no honorable mention.

A wife would likely emotionally invested and therefore unlikely to procreate in the next 2-3yr which is 10-20% of most women's childbearing years.

You ask too many questions for the Joke thread.
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Old 07-12-2016, 14:05   #1837
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Re: The New Joke Thread

First Christmas Joke...??

The Teacher asked young PatrickMurphy: "What do you do at Christmas time?"

Patrick addressed the class: "Well Ms. Jones, me and my
twelve brothers and sisters go to midnight mass and we sing hymns;
then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the
back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited, we go
to bed and wait for Father Christmas
to come with all our toys."

"Very nice Patrick," she said. "Now Jimmy
Brown, what do you do at Christmas?"

"Well, Ms. Jones, me and my sister also go to church
with Mom and Dad and we sing carols and we
get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the
chimney and we hang up our stockings. We
hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our
presents."

Realising there was a Jewish boy in the class and not
wanting to leave him out of the discussion,
she asked, "Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at
Christmas?"

Isaac said, "Well, it's the same thing every year .
. . Dad comes home from the office, we all pile
into the Rolls Royce; then we drive to Dad's toy
factory. When we get inside, we look at all the
empty shelves . . . and begin to sing: 'What A Friend We
Have in Jesus'. Then we all go to the
Bahamas."
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Old 07-12-2016, 14:55   #1838
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Re: The New Joke Thread

For us old folks......


I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox,
informing me that I can have sex at 75.
I'm so happy, because I live at number 73.
So it's not too far to walk home afterwards.

And ... it's the same side of the street.
I don't even have to cross the road!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The irony of life is that, by the time you're old
enough to know your way around, you're not going
anywhere.
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Old 07-12-2016, 14:58   #1839
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Re: The New Joke Thread

"Answering machine message"


"I am not available right now,but
thank you for caring enough to call.

I am making some changes in my life.

Please leave a message after the beep.

If I do not return your call, you are one of the
changes."
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Old 11-12-2016, 13:36   #1840
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Not a Joke but funny as hell. And legit.

https://youtu.be/bBmiWtSEokM
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Old 11-12-2016, 17:37   #1841
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Here is a great example of how fake news is made.

Try to answer these questions.

1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last?

2) Which country makes Panama hats?

3) From which animal do we get cat gut?

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?

7) What was King George VI's first name?

8) What color is a purple finch?

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?

See the results in the next post.......
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Old 11-12-2016, 17:47   #1842
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Re: The New Joke Thread

It seems when writers make fake news they try to make the answer sound logical, when in fact if you don't know the real answer you can be fooled by what sounds reasonable in ones imagination. And/or will lie to make what sounds to be right. So what it comes down to, is true education not indoctrination, to know the real answer.




1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years

2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador

3) From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep and Horses

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? Squirrel fur

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs

7) What was King George VI's first name? Albert

8 ) What color is a purple finch? Crimson

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?
Orange (of course)
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Old 11-12-2016, 18:31   #1843
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Post #1734 said he Googled conservative jokes and got quite a few. I tried it and got a list of the members of the House of Representatives......
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Old 11-12-2016, 18:54   #1844
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Re: The New Joke Thread

I was sailing the Banda Sea, all of a sudden a giant wave came out of nowhere the boat pitch poled and I was knocked out . I woke up in a strange land they said "you are in Indonesia . I said well I know that I had a endo' and can't remember a thing .
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Old 12-12-2016, 11:36   #1845
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Who wrote The Autobiography of Alice B. Toklas?
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