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Old 02-01-2017, 17:41   #1861
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Or when you make a shopping list, then forget the list...






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Old 02-01-2017, 22:07   #1862
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Or when you make a shopping list, then forget the list...




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I must have become old very young, then!

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Old 02-01-2017, 23:01   #1863
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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I must have become old very young, then!

Jim
God bless you!



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Old 03-01-2017, 14:26   #1864
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Re: The New Joke Thread

I don't forget it, I just can't find it.
Of course I have been known to look for a wrench that was in my pocket for quite a while too, usually found when doing laundry
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Old 03-01-2017, 14:36   #1865
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Re: The New Joke Thread

I can't remember doing any of those things.


But then I can't remember a whole lot of anything these days.
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Old 03-01-2017, 16:39   #1866
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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I can't remember doing any of those things.


But then I can't remember a whole lot of anything these days.
It's known as Craft disease.
.
.
.
.
.
Can't Remember A F*ing Thing.
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Old 03-01-2017, 18:45   #1867
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Re: The New Joke Thread

One for all the PC Aussies

In a run-down part of west Melbourne recently, a fire destroyed a dilapidated four storey house that had been divided into four flats.
A Nigerian family of six internet con artists and full time benefit cheats lived on the first floor, and all six tragically perished in the fire.
A group of seven Islamic welfare cheats, all illegally in the country, lived on the second floor, and they too, all perished in the fire.
Six Albanian, gang banger, ex-cons - all claiming political asylum and living off the state for free occupied the 3rd floor and they too, died.
And one middle aged Australian couple lived on the top floor. They miraculously survived the fire.
The Equal Opportunities Commission, Amnesty International, Human Rights activists, black community leaders and the Australian Islamic Council were all furious at the apparent racial inequality of the situation. Why were just the Australian couple saved? It was monstrous they claimed, and showed that systemic 'racism' still existed in all areas of public service -questions were raised in parliament, the popular media picked up the story and within hours it was national and indeed international news.
The baying Press pack subsequently reported the interview in such way as to intimate that the Mayor was indifferent to suffering and was out of touch with the feelings of the whole west Melb. community!
A large gathering of representatives from all five groups, together with Sarah Hanson-Young - demanded a meeting
with the local chief fire officer. They made sure that a large pack of popular Press and TV had been briefed on the visit and so the gathering was met by a huge gaggle of journalists, TV interviewers and cameras.
On camera, they loudly demanded to know why the Africans, Muslims and Albanians all died in the fire and only the Australian couple lived.
The chief fire officer quietly replied:-
"They were at work."
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Old 03-01-2017, 18:54   #1868
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Re: The New Joke Thread

CRS......Can't Remember S......

If that spanner in your pocket made it to the dryer it would be pretty funny in its own right.

Damn, I've lost keys that were hanging on my belt by a carabiner.

Hey, I checked in with my cousin who restores race cars in the UK (Chris Keith-Lucas, CKL Developments), and yes, he repeatedly gets asked if he is a descendent of the Prince of Darkness.
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Old 03-01-2017, 20:02   #1869
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Lucas Electrics, the prince of darkness, thats why the Brits drink warm beer.

Thats actually not true, good beer in most pubs I have been in...


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Old 03-01-2017, 23:53   #1870
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Aliens,

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.'

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'


The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.

Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace.
Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!'

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad.'

'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He darn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'
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Old 08-01-2017, 05:00   #1871
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Not a joke but a contemplation.


The year is 1916 --- One hundred years ago. What a difference a century makes! Here are some statistics for the Year 1916 in the USA:


The average life expectancy for men was 47 years.


Fuel for cars was sold in drug stores only.


Only 14 percent of the homes had a bathtub.


Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.


The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.


The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower.


The average US wage in 1910 was 22 cents per hour.


The average US worker made between $200 and $400 per year.


A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year.


A dentist $2,500 per year.


A veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year.


And, a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.


More than 95 percent of all births took place at home


Ninety percent of all Doctors had NO COLLEGE EDUCATION!


Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press
AND the government as "substandard."



Sugar cost four cents a pound.


Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.


Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.


Most women only washed their hair once a month, and, used Borax or egg yolks for shampoo.


Canada passed a law that prohibited poor people from entering into their country for any reason.



The Five leading causes of death were:

1. Pneumonia and influenza

2. Tuberculosis

3. Diarrhea

4. Heart disease

5. Stroke


The American flag had 45 stars ...



The population of Las Vegas, Nevada was only 30.



Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been invented yet.

There was neither a Mother's Day nor a Father's Day.


Two out of every 10 adults couldn't read or write


And, only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school.



Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at local corner drugstore Back then pharmacists said, "Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach, bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health!" (Shocking?)


Eighteen percent of households had at least one full-time servant or domestic help...


There were about 230 reported murders in the ENTIRE U.S.A. !


I am now going to forward this to someone else without typing it myself. From there, it will be sent to others all over the WORLD all in a matter of seconds! It is impossible to imagine what it may be like in another 100 years.
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Old 08-01-2017, 05:18   #1872
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Old 08-01-2017, 07:23   #1873
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Re: The New Joke Thread

And....there are three and one half times as many people alive on Earth today as there were the day I was born.....
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Old 08-01-2017, 09:56   #1874
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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And....there are three and one half times as many people alive on Earth today as there were the day I was born.....
Oh, so it's your fault...
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Old 08-01-2017, 11:14   #1875
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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And....there are three and one half times as many people alive on Earth today as there were the day I was born.....


That to me is way more worrisome statistic than any Global warming, going to run out of crude oil or any of the other things we wring our hands over, yet this is not discussed.

I know it's a joke thread, sorry
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