The New Joke Thread

[LakeSuperior]

Nurse: I'm going to deliver the baby.

Me: Actually, we'd like him to keep his liver!

[LakeSuperior]

"Daddy, where did Bambi's mom go after she died?"

"Venice, son."

[LakeSuperior]

My wife always gets mad about splitting the grocery bill because "she doesn't eat Doritos and Cadbury eggs"

But I've never used any of the cleaning supplies she always buys, and you never hear me complaining.

[skipmac]

Originally Posted by ben2go

Most people I know fermented fruits with sugar to get flavored liquor. Yes, the swill is very popular in my area in the foothills. It's been made worse by that bulls**t moonshiners show.

Watched a bit of that show a couple of times. Had to wonder why those guys didn't get busted after showing off their crimes on TV.

[ben2go]

Originally Posted by skipmac

Watched a bit of that show a couple of times. Had to wonder why those guys didn't get busted after showing off their crimes on TV.

It's all fake. I know some of the people involved in the show that live in NC and SC. Even though they won't say it, they are paid by Discovery Channel. It's amazing how they went from being poor and living in house trailers that are falling in to owning $200,000 to $500,000 houses and riding around in $70,000 trucks and SUVs.

[skipmac]

Originally Posted by ben2go

It's all fake. I know some of the people involved in the show that live in NC and SC. Even though they won't say it, they are paid by Discovery Channel. It's amazing how they went from being poor and living in house trailers that are falling in to owning $200,000 to $500,000 houses and riding around in $70,000 trucks and SUVs.

Gee, with that kind of payoff maybe I'll sell out and get me a new(er) boat. Forget the $70k pickup.

[StuM]

Originally Posted by LakeSuperior

"Daddy, where did Bambi's mom go after she died?"

"Venice, son."

Had to read that one three times before I got it.

[ben2go]

Originally Posted by skipmac

Gee, with that kind of payoff maybe I'll sell out and get me a new(er) boat. Forget the $70k pickup.

My idea too.

[GordMay]

[Epicurean]

The Comedy News Network

[crooks]

Originally Posted by skipmac

In the deep south and Appalachians they used corn mash, the starch in the corn converting to sugars that fermented into ethanol. The purists used straight corn but commercial moonshiners realized they could cheaply up the output by adding sugar to the mash. They did grow varieties of sugar cane in the south but that took more acreage than corn and also growing too much cane attracted unwanted attention from the authorities. Corn was grown in large quantities for animal feed so was less suspicious. Same problem with adding sugar. Upped the yield of the process but some local farmer buying a few hundred pounds of sugar from the general store was a giveaway.

Shine, even triple distilled was typically in the range of 150-160 proof (75-80%) alcohol. Theoretically a home brew could be distilled up to 96% max but the ethanol and water form an azeotrope which locks in the last 4% water. Even high tech, commercial distillation columns can't get past 96% unless they uses special techniques to break the azeotrope like solvent extraction distillation. Commercially however, I believe they use a molecular sieve to remove the last bits of water to make anhydrous ethanol. By the way, it's really bad for you to drink anhydrous as it immediately sucks all the moisture out of the tissues in your mouth and throat which can lead to permanent damage.

OK this is all probably boring but as I learned later in life, my father and his cousins used to run shine from the Carolina mountains down into Georgia so I find the whole industry somewhat interesting.

One last bit of moonshine trivia. The old timers would take a clear, quart mason jar of shine and shake it to test. The size and quantity of the bubbles in the liquid would let them estimate the proof of the shine.

I prosecuted a moon shiner in Butts County. He was the last of a dying breed.

My first trial involved a crack salesman. I'm not sure there is much difference.

I question the result and the purpose in both cases.

[Sand crab]

Originally Posted by crooks

I prosecuted a moon shiner in Butts County. He was the last of a dying breed.

My first trial involved a crack salesman. I'm not sure there is much difference.

I question the result and the purpose in both cases.

I think I would rather deal with a crack salesman than a lawyer/prosecuter. The crack salesman knows he's breaking the law but the lawyer/prosecuter pretends he's not.

[svmariane]

*** Switzerland and Lichtenstein on the Brink of War ! ***

* Britain leaving EU with "Brexit". Anxieties run high in Europe. *

Excuse me. Sorry to disturb. Did anybody notice perchance an errant post of mine (incomplete) with the above title? It seems to have vanished into cyberspace whilst I was writing/editing, probably due to my fat-fingered typing. (All of those hot-keys and shift functions and whatnot, no doubt.)

Anyway, the article probably got posted on some website or another.
Has anybody come across it? If so, please advice.

Items mentioned in the article are:

*Switzerland has the world's 30th largest army...
* Lichtensteins “army” of 80 men was disbanded after the Austro-Prussian War of 1866... They do have a police force.
* Lichtenstein's alliance with Monaco and Andorra means the predicted tank force is raised from 3 to 7...
* Andora pledged their airplane and both their helicopters...
*Monaco promised all their tanks - meaning none, since their two tanks are in a WW2 museum (plaster copies)...
*Main point of contention: Seems to be that the Swiss are known to pee down the river Rhine and Liechtensteiners are really upset at that. Maybe something about coffee tasting funny. Reports are unclear at this time.

(Monaco and Andora just want to be near the center of things for a change. Maybe grab a couple of selfies. Both countries are awaiting a response from the Kardashians, invited as Honorary Guests. Any one of them. Really. Doesn't matter which one. Contact Elisenda at the Permanent Mission of Andorra, UN Plaza, New York, USA. Tel# +1-212-750-8064)


*As a complete aside, Lichtenstein is the only country in the world where the Swiss are used as "Immigrant Labour".

If you're interested, I'll post the final article here on CF once I've confirmed all details. PM me. Meanwhile, if you're curious about the half dozen or so times that Swizerland invaded Lichtenstein - the last one being only back in 2007 - I've given a link. (Quote from govt official in Vaduz: “It’s not like they stormed over here with attack helicopters or something".)

https://www.news.com.au/news/liechte...8c1dd8566c2514

BTW There's another "missing" article from my files. Probably stolen by foreign intelligence operatives. (Or WikiLeaks. Or maybe one of the US Presidential candidates looking for an edge on foreign affairs.) Article Title: Russia and Belarus Frontier Guards Trade Shots at border gas pipeline pumping station. (Anonymous sources report.) Moscow claims western press exagerates incident. Minsk insists Moscow rep's brought inferior vodka for the jello-shooters.

If anybody happens to spot either article posted somewhere please advise. TY




Vaduz Castle, Vaduz Lichtenstein. Home of hereditary ruler Prince Hans Adam II.

[GordMay]

[belizesailor]

Originally Posted by ben2go

It's all fake. I know some of the people involved in the show that live in NC and SC. Even though they won't say it, they are paid by Discovery Channel. It's amazing how they went from being poor and living in house trailers that are falling in to owning $200,000 to $500,000 houses and riding around in $70,000 trucks and SUVs.

Yeah, had a friend who was a fishermen in Alaska who said similar things about the cast of "Deadliest Catch".