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Old 06-05-2020, 05:33   #10171
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A man goes to Confession to talk to his priest. “Father, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.”
The priest asks: “What’s wrong?”

The man replies: “My wife is poisoning me.”

The priest, very surprised by this, asks: “How can that be?”

The man then pleads: “I’m telling you, I’m certain she’s poisoning me. What should I do?”

“Tell you what,” the priest offers. “Give me her name and let me talk to her. I’ll see what I can find out and I’ll let you know.”

A week later the priest calls the man and says: “I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?”

The man says yes, and the priest replies: “Take the poison!”
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Old 06-05-2020, 05:33   #10172
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise".
The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband. He hadn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down..

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

"Please sir," says the waiter, "what did you order?"

The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise..."

"Ah! So sorry everyone," says the waiter, "I brought you Peeking Duck."
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Old 06-05-2020, 05:35   #10173
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Some fine logic...


I don't understand why women want to be equal when they could be better.

That shows a lack of ambition to me.

Which is why men are better.
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Old 06-05-2020, 06:26   #10174
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Re: The New Joke Thread

5 characters.
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Old 06-05-2020, 07:24   #10175
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Old 06-05-2020, 13:08   #10176
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by socaldmax View Post
We've been evaluating your joke contributions.


We're strongly directing you to the anchor thread.
Sputter. Snort. Narrows eyes. Flexes fingers.

Prepares to deliver devestating ripost. and....



Okay.... I got nothing.
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Old 06-05-2020, 13:12   #10177
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Re: The New Joke Thread

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse - 2020
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Old 06-05-2020, 13:32   #10178
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Just as the beaches begin to reopen.
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Old 06-05-2020, 14:46   #10179
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by svmariane View Post
Sputter. Snort. Narrows eyes. Flexes fingers.

Prepares to deliver devestating ripost. and....



Okay.... I got nothing.
Of course you know I was only joking, your jokes are consistently better than average!
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Old 06-05-2020, 14:58   #10180
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Re: The New Joke Thread

And you didn't sense that I was joking in response!?!?!

Damn internet.... Hard to convey actual sensibilities or attitudes!
(Or tongue-in-cheek kind of thing.)

Then on the other hand: Here's something from the Birdbox:
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Old 06-05-2020, 15:11   #10181
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Re: The New Joke Thread

My wife and I are now dirt dwellers. So be it.
But she's not happy with the apt's toilet.
Did some research.
May have found a solution. Couple of kinks to work out, though.


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Old 06-05-2020, 15:28   #10182
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Normality in 5...4...3....2... never mind.
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Old 06-05-2020, 15:48   #10183
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Old 06-05-2020, 15:52   #10184
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Old 06-05-2020, 15:53   #10185
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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