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Old 26-02-2020, 12:47   #8701
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Yeah? Ever tried turning a screw on the binnacle with a magnetized screwdriver? Real WTF moment there, until the brain kicks in.
Doesn’t even need to be magnetized, a regular steel screwdriver will make it go nuts.
I’ve swung hundreds of aircraft compasses, there are special brass screwdrivers just for this.
I learned you can take the guts out of a cheap ball point pen, the ink cartridge is brass, bite the end of it to make it flat, Voila, instant “special” compass screwdriver

Army always had Skillcraft pens, made I think by the handicapped, US Military buys huge volumes of Skillcraft products, pens, buckets, brushes, brooms, you name it.
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Old 26-02-2020, 12:47   #8702
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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A crack salesman in Butts County? Wouldn't have thought there would be much demand....
Wow! A tortured 7 posts to get to a joke!
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Old 26-02-2020, 13:00   #8703
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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On the other hand, my son in law knows some of the guys on Wicked Tuna and he swears at least some of them are actual commercial fishermen.
I'm not familiar with Wicked Tuna. That came out about the time I stopped watching TV.
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Old 26-02-2020, 16:33   #8704
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Lady that babysat our kids in Richmond Hill Ga., Father was a moonshiner. They had several kids, very frequently each kid would go to the store as in several times a week and buy bags of sugar, each one. The hope was that small sales would go unnoticed, but everyone in the town knew what was going on, but all turned the other way as that was the only way he had of feeding all those kids.

Moonshine is like anything else, done properly its not at all poisonous, and its easy to make sure its not.
The US Governments prohibition of distilled alcohol is protecting a tax, your allowed to brew your own beer and wine, so long as you dont distill it.
Small towns can be like that. If you're local and not hurting the local system then the authorities tend to look the other way. One of my cousins lived in Alma for many years. Husband was an engineer at the local textile mill. As the economy went downhill, farmers went bankrupt and the mill cut back on jobs, a number of the locals turned to growing weed to pay the bills. Don't think they were getting rich at it, just getting by.

When the sheriff cracked down they elected a new sheriff who declined to arrest local growers.
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Old 26-02-2020, 16:49   #8705
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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That's why I don't watch any of that "reality" crap. They all pretend that they're unscripted or "real", but in truth it's all loosely scripted and heavily produced to create drama out of boring crap. I really get a laugh out of those "survivor" type shows where some semi naked actor is looking right into the camera at night and shivering and claiming to be all alone, starving and afraid.



Seriously?? You mean the cameraman, light guy, director, producer, medic, safety observer, and 10 PAs aren't all standing around right off camera? My BIL says he knows most of the characters who are on the "Storage Wars" show and he's commented repeatedly that the drama between them is all hyped, fake.



The bottom line is if there's a camera there and it's broadcast on TV, it's all scripted and overly dramatized for ratings.
I have a friend who is an Executive Producer and has produced a few of the survivor/reality type shows. She says one of the hardest things is to maintain the illusion for the "competitors" that its a competion.

Ive also had drinks on a remote beach with cast and crew of a Survivor episode. They were all taking a break from filming so went to a nearby beach bar. Total BS.
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Old 26-02-2020, 17:49   #8706
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Re: The New Joke Thread

one for all the shipwrights out there

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cheers,
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Old 26-02-2020, 18:04   #8707
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Wow! A tortured 7 posts to get to a joke!
Good point. So to relieve your pain here's a few I stole plagiarized read on another forum.



A man moves into a new flat and invites a few of his friends around for a housewarming drink.

He's got lots of lovely furniture but then one of his friends sees an old hammer hanging on the wall and says, "What's that dirty old hammer doing there?" The man replies: "Oh, that's not a hammer, it's a talking clock. Look, I'll show you."

So he picks up the hammer and starts banging it against the wall, whereupon a voice comes from next door shouting: "Keep it down in there, it's half past bloody ten!"



I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there was a checked tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.


A man and his wife stopped at the bank on the way out of town to withdraw some cash for the trip only to discover the wife had overdrawn the account, again. A bitter argument began but before a resolution a masked bandit ran in to hold up the bank. On his way out the guard runs over to stop him and in the scuffle pulls off the mask. Realizing he was recognized the robber shoots the guard.

The bandit looks up and sees one of the tellers staring so he shoots the teller. Then he screams, "Anyone else get a look at my face?" Everyone stares quietly at the floor but then the husband says quietly, "I think my wife got a pretty good glimpse."
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Old 26-02-2020, 18:27   #8708
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Re: The New Joke Thread

So, would the principal town in Butts County be called Cigarette City....???

City motto "Smokin'..!!"
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Old 27-02-2020, 00:51   #8709
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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So, would the principal town in Butts County be called Cigarette City....???

City motto "Smokin'..!!"
Or maybe Fagtown... which would cover all butts bases...
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Old 27-02-2020, 08:23   #8710
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A man went to the doctor's complaining of a headache. The doctor did some tests and discovered a brain tumor.

Doctor: Looks like we're going to have to perform a brain transplant.

Man: I don't want a brain transplant.

Doctor: You must have one or you'll die.

Man: It sounds scary, I don't want one.

Doctor: There's no other treatment for this.

Man: But I'm terrified.

Doctor: You must be brave.

Eventually, the doctor was able to change the man's mind.
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Old 27-02-2020, 08:24   #8711
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Some Lent Humor........(I'm going to Hell for this)
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Old 27-02-2020, 08:25   #8712
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Re: The New Joke Thread

and the best one
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Old 27-02-2020, 08:25   #8713
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Re: The New Joke Thread

First woman on the Moon:

"Houston, we have a problem."

Go ahead Trinity!

"Never mind"

What's the problem?

"It's nothing"

Please tell us?

"You know what the problem is."
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Old 27-02-2020, 08:27   #8714
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A man walks into a bar with his pet giraffe...

The man orders 2 beers, one for him and one for the giraffe. After a while the man goes back up to order another 2 beers and, still gives one to his giraffe and one for himself, this continues throughout the night.

As the bar closes the man gets up to leave and suddenly his pet giraffe falls over. As he is leaving the bartender shouts to the man "hey you can't leave that lying here". The man turns around and says

"That's not a lion, that's a giraffe"
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Old 27-02-2020, 08:29   #8715
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A spine surgeon's to-do list:

1. Get back to work.
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