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Old 21-02-2020, 20:20   #8641
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by LakeSuperior View Post
A pregnant elephant goes to the doctor.

Right away the doctor says, "I like to talk about the elephant in the womb"
That must have been a Chinese doctor.......
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Old 21-02-2020, 20:27   #8642
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by Epicurean View Post
"That about sums it up! LOL."
Isn't that a great post?! You can take out of it whatever you want. He should be a politician!
Yeah, you have to pass a bill before you can find out whats in it. 🤪
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Old 21-02-2020, 20:33   #8643
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by svmariane View Post
From one of my posts on another thread:

Survive? Chocolate doesn't survive aboard a boat. It evaporates. Whether we're in the tropics or in high latitudes with snow on the deck, regardless of boat temperature, chocolate simply evaporates. I once had a one-kilo pack of chocolate hidden in my carry-on when my wife and I returned from Europe. It was meant as a surprise "back aboard" gift. Wife seemed pleased. Overnight and next thing I knew the whole package had evaporated. Just evaporated into thin air! She explained that it was Swiss chocolate which is specifically designed for high altitude, and since we were down at sea level, well.... what can ya' do?

Yeah - we have a licorice mouse on board - if there is licorice - the mouse will find it and eat all of it in one go - no matter how much there is. I never get any and when I confront the damned mouse - she looks at me with innocent eyes and says "moi? No, I didn't eat the licorice - it must have been a mouse........................"
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Old 21-02-2020, 20:35   #8644
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by Eigenvector View Post
A 65 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience.. Seeing God She asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 33 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
Face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.
She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her Teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as Well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While
crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had
Another 33 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the
Ambulance?"
>
>
>.....







God replied:
" I didn't recognize you!!!!!"
I believe the actual quote is I never knew you..... 🤭
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Old 21-02-2020, 22:49   #8645
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by delmarrey View Post
Why are there no beers with XXX? 🤡
IIRC in Mexico the folks who make XX (dos equis) also make tres equis. Kinda nasty stuff IIRC, but the XX ain't too bad.

Now for the non-Aussies in the audience, the predominant beer in Queensland is XXXX, and in more southern climes Victoria Bitter is king... at least according to some perhaps prejudiced folks. There is some active discussion about which is better.

So I was amused to see in a Noumea tourist shop T-shirts with a scene on the front: A horse drinking from a trough and pissing into a big bucket. t here were two models, one with the trough labeled XXXX and the bucket Vic Bitter, and the other with the labels reversed. An astute marketing ploy... let no tourist go un-t-shirted!

Jim
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Old 22-02-2020, 04:31   #8646
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Old 22-02-2020, 06:34   #8647
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by Jim Cate View Post
IIRC in Mexico the folks who make XX (dos equis) also make tres equis. Kinda nasty stuff IIRC, but the XX ain't too bad.

Now for the non-Aussies in the audience, the predominant beer in Queensland is XXXX, and in more southern climes Victoria Bitter is king... at least according to some perhaps prejudiced folks. There is some active discussion about which is better.

So I was amused to see in a Noumea tourist shop T-shirts with a scene on the front: A horse drinking from a trough and pissing into a big bucket. t here were two models, one with the trough labeled XXXX and the bucket Vic Bitter, and the other with the labels reversed. An astute marketing ploy... let no tourist go un-t-shirted!

Jim
Dont know about your culture but here in the USA XXX marked on bottles means poison. ☠️ Or use to, anyway.
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Old 22-02-2020, 07:46   #8648
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by delmarrey View Post
Dont know about your culture but here in the USA XXX marked on bottles means poison. ☠️ Or use to, anyway.
In North America, XXX often means, that there's explicit adult content (pornography), or an abbreviation for kisses, usually placed at the end of a letter, often interspersed with Os (for hugs).
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Old 22-02-2020, 10:50   #8649
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Re: The New Joke Thread

I thought those Os meant something else entirely...that explains as lot. Thanks Gord!
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Old 22-02-2020, 11:00   #8650
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A husband and wife go to dinner on their 50th wedding anniversary.

WIFE: Why did you marry me ?
HUSBAND: For your wonderful sense of humour my dear
WIFE: I thought it would be for my fantastic love making
HUSBAND: There you go, that's what I'm talking about
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Old 22-02-2020, 14:26   #8651
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Re: The New Joke Thread

At the medical facility waiting area...


Child #1 Do you know why koala bears aren't actually considered bears?

Child #2 ....Because they don't meet the koalafications!

Child #3 ....Because they're marsupials!

Me ... No, no, they really are from earth, just Australia.


(Sorry. I'll see myself out.)
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Old 22-02-2020, 14:55   #8652
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by GordMay View Post

Time for a whinge.


I look at the latest posts on CF and the latest Dilbert cartoon as part of my morning routine. (Along with XKCD )


You keep spoiling the second part of my routine.




(Nah, I'm not really complaining. )
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Old 22-02-2020, 17:53   #8653
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by Jim Cate View Post
......the predominant beer in Queensland is XXXX, and in more southern climes Victoria Bitter is king... at least according to some perhaps prejudiced folks. There is some active discussion about which is better....
This is an oxymoronic argument.

They are both equally bad....

But I drink James Squires, so what would I know...???
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Old 22-02-2020, 18:24   #8654
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Re: The New Joke Thread

My nephew took a career placement test at school. It told him he was going to be a pirate when he grew up. My sister was furious. She matched to the school and demanded to speak to his teacher.

"Why does this test say that my son is supposed to be a pirate?! Is this some kind of joke?"

The teacher calmly pulled out the boy's report card.

"No ma'am, it's not a mistake. As you can see here, your son has an affinity for High C's."
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Old 22-02-2020, 18:25   #8655
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by delmarrey View Post
Dont know about your culture but here in the USA XXX marked on bottles means poison. ☠️ Or use to, anyway.
Hmmm... I lived in the USA for about 50 years and I don't recall seeing that usage. I guess I wasn't cultured enough...

Now I mostly live in Australia where "culture" happens mostly at CSIRO in Petri dishes. (Just joking, guys)

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