The New Joke Thread

[svmariane]

Originally Posted by a64pilot

The thing that has confused me for years, is that they apparently won’t control burn during parts of the year when it is safe to do so.

Brian Rice, president of the California Professional Firefighters, said that it is is wrong to blame the fires on state forest management. "While forest health can be a contributing factor in large fires," he noted, "more than 60 percent of these forests are controlled by the federal government, not California."

Guess it's sort of like a Coast Guard collision report, with 60% - 40% blame dolled out.

The dark green areas on the map are forest areas under federal control. Lots of desert or farmland out there. (Original map is more clear and is included here: https://laist.com/2019/10/28/califor...ting-worse.php )

[ontherocks83]

You have just received the "Polish Virus"...

Since we lack technological expertise in Poland, this virus works purely on the honor system. Please promptly delete all the files from your hard drive, and manually forward this virus to everyone on your mailing list.

Thank You

[john61ct]

Should definitely be one controlling authority over forestry management in those areas, on a regional basis, and regardless of who owns the land, that should be completely irrelevant.

With the power to dictate to the power line owners as well.

[socaldmax]

Should definitely be one controlling authority over forestry management in those areas, on a regional basis, and regardless of who owns the land, that should be completely irrelevant.

With the power to dictate to the power line owners as well.

Agreed.

In Imperial County, the BLM Rangers and ICSO Deputies work together to enforce federal and local laws. All proceeds from tickets go to the county.

[svmariane]

Originally Posted by ontherocks83

You have just received the "Polish Virus"...

Since we lack technological expertise in Poland, this virus works purely on the honor system. Please promptly delete all the files from your hard drive, and manually forward this virus to everyone on your mailing list.

Thank You

Rats! That snuck right through my anti-virus software.

[socaldmax]

A friend of mine (and former fellow submarine sailor) is an FBI agent and shortly after joining the FBI, he was assigned to Cyber crimes. Initially he was assigned to catphishing and warned me, "If you're chatting with some little 14 yr old who smokin hot and wants to hook up with you, there's a 95% chance it's one of us FBI agents at the other end."

Recently he posted on FB that the ransomware viruses were very damaging and to change your passwords frequently, or use a password program to generate high strength passwords that you'd never be able to remember on your own.

I pointed out that in my 30 yrs of using computers, I've never once had my passwords broken by a hacker, either by social engineering or brute force attack. However, I have had my accounts hacked and personal information stolen from Experian, Yahoo, Chase Bank and probably a couple of others that I can't recall.

The bottom line is it really makes no difference how hard you make your password, some idiot making $200K/yr as the security expert at some big company is going to lose all of your data to a hacker by leaving the admin password as "admin" on the firewall.

[svmariane]

Originally Posted by john61ct

Should definitely be one controlling authority over forestry management in those areas, on a regional basis, and regardless of who owns the land, that should be completely irrelevant.

Great joke!

Now, let's just get into that pesky US Constitutional thingy about state rights vs federal rights. Maybe set up a new national forest bureaucratic system along the lines of the FAA for aviation? First rule: Undoing/preventing the Smokey the Bear effect. https://www.npr.org/2012/08/23/15937...ging-wildfires This goes along with prior comments about allowing controlled burns.

And now, a joke!


A guy is speeding and he sees a cop on the overpass above him pointing a radar gun. He knows he's caught, and sure enough, a few moments later Smokey is behind him with lights flashing. He pulls over and the cop asks for his papers and whether he has been drinking.

The guy says, "No, I haven't been drinking. Just heading home after work."

"What type of work do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher."

"A rectum stretcher? What in the world is that?" asks the cop.

"Oh," the guy says, "we take an ordinary rectum and use spreaders to widen it. After a few hours of work we can stretch it to over 72 inches."

"That's crazy!" exclaims the cop, "what in the world do you do with a stretched out 6 foot a**'hole?"

"We put him at the top of an overpass and stick a radar gun in his hand."

[svmariane]

A young man once loved tractors...

He had his dream job on a farm and had memorabilia all over his home. One day the young man receives his copy of tractor monthly and sees that an international tractor convention will be coming to town.

The young man works harder than ever all month in order to fulfil his dream of owning a tractor.

So the young man arrives at the convention. What he saw amazed him. A tractor was on sale. This tractor was the most beautiful thing the young man had ever seen. The young man only had a mere £15,000 and made an offer to the woman selling. She was so disgusted at the offer she knocked him right out there and then.

Back home a month later the young man is at the pub with some friends. He is telling them that he's had it with tractors, he's thrown out all his memorabilia and wants nothing to do with them. Then the pub begins to get very smokey as people were smoking indoors. The young man says to his friends just wait outside a minute. His friends walk outside and the young man sucks in the biggest breath and all the smoke goes into his lungs.

Sam walks outside and breaths out all the smoke. His friends stand amazed. 'How did you do that!?' they ask. "Well I was just telling you im an' ex tractor fan'".

[svmariane]

There was a Scottish painter...

There was a Scottish painter named Smokey MacGregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.

As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the local church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings.

Smokey put in a bid and, because his price was so low, he got the job.

So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks,
and buying the paint and yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine...

Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned paint.

Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried:

"Oh God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke:


"Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"

[svmariane]

Clem goes hunting...


Clem decided to take his annual hunting trip up near the Great Smokey Mountains around the borders of North Carolina, Tennessee and Georgia. He had been out most of the day small game hunting when he came across a Game Warden.

The Game Warden walks up to Clem, points to his game bag and says, "What ya got there son?" Clem says, "Got me some small game for supper."

The Game Warden grabs Clem's bag, looks inside and sees some possum, squirrel and rabbit. He grabs a possum, sticks his finger up it's ass, sniffs it and says, "This here possum is from Georgia, you got a Georgia huntin' license son?" Clem says, "Yessir" and hands over his Georgia hunting license.

The Game Warden then grabbed a squirrel, stuck a finger up it's ass, sniffs it and says, "This here squirrel is from North Carolina. You got a North Carolina hunting license son?" Clem says, "Yessir" and hands it over.

The Game Warden then grabs a rabbit, sticks a finger in its' butt, sniffs and says, "This here rabbit is from Tennessee. You got a Tennessee huntin' license son?" Clem says, "Yessir" and hands it over. Everything seemed to be in order.

The Game Warden looks at Clem and says, "Where you from, son"? Clem turns around, whips his pants down and says, "Why don't you tell me?!"

[socaldmax]

Originally Posted by svmariane

There was a Scottish painter...

There was a Scottish painter named Smokey MacGregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.

As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the local church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings.

Smokey put in a bid and, because his price was so low, he got the job.

So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks,
and buying the paint and yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine...

Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned paint.

Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried:

"Oh God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke:


"Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"

OMG!!


Does this mean that God is actually Mike Tyson??

Or does he just have the same speech impediment?

[socaldmax]

Originally Posted by svmariane

Clem goes hunting...


Clem decided to take his annual hunting trip up near the Great Smokey Mountains around the borders of North Carolina, Tennessee and Georgia. He had been out most of the day small game hunting when he came across a Game Warden.

The Game Warden walks up to Clem, points to his game bag and says, "What ya got there son?" Clem says, "Got me some small game for supper."

The Game Warden grabs Clem's bag, looks inside and sees some possum, squirrel and rabbit. He grabs a possum, sticks his finger up it's ass, sniffs it and says, "This here possum is from Georgia, you got a Georgia huntin' license son?" Clem says, "Yessir" and hands over his Georgia hunting license.

The Game Warden then grabbed a squirrel, stuck a finger up it's ass, sniffs it and says, "This here squirrel is from North Carolina. You got a North Carolina hunting license son?" Clem says, "Yessir" and hands it over.

The Game Warden then grabs a rabbit, sticks a finger in its' butt, sniffs and says, "This here rabbit is from Tennessee. You got a Tennessee huntin' license son?" Clem says, "Yessir" and hands it over. Everything seemed to be in order.

The Game Warden looks at Clem and says, "Where you from, son"? Clem turns around, whips his pants down and says, "Why don't you tell me?!"

So the Game Warden sticks a few fingers up there and says, "I'm gonna guess you did at least 5 yrs in a Federal Pen in FL."

[svmariane]

Originally Posted by socaldmax

So the Game Warden sticks a few fingers up there and says, "I'm gonna guess you did at least 5 yrs in a Federal Pen in FL."

(gringe)

[svmariane]

Originally Posted by socaldmax

OMG!!
Does this mean that God is actually Mike Tyson??

Or does he just have the same speech impediment?

Well, kind of the opposite of the first. "Once I'm in the ring, I'm a God!" Quote from Mike Tyson.

Now we could spend all kinds of time parsing the difference between "ïs god" and is "a god", but I need to go check the snubber line.



Besides that, to which god do you refer when you exclaim OMG ?
( Asking for a Pastafarian friend.)

[Jim Cate]

"Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"

Good one! I love it...

Jim