The New Joke Thread

[socaldmax]

[LakeSuperior]

I told my teenage daughter “There are two words you need to drop from your vocabulary. One is ‘awesome’ and the other is ‘gross’.”

“Okay,” she replies, “what are they?”

[LakeSuperior]

A Norwegian goes to the psychiatrist.

"What brings you in today son?"

"I've just been so depressed. I wish I was never Bjorn"

[LakeSuperior]

I'm making a new documentary on how to fly a plane.

We're currently filming the pilot.

[LakeSuperior]

I have a friend who is a Russian audio engineer for a record company.

And a Czech one too.

[LakeSuperior]

A robber pulled a gun on the bank clerk and manager saying, “Give me all the money! I need it to set myself up in a trade or profession. You know, initial investment is needed to cover the overheads until my cash flow is established.”

The bank manager said to the clerk, “You’d better do what he says, I think he means business.”

[GateKeeper]

[socaldmax]

[ben2go]

Originally Posted by socaldmax

Probably Mexico.

[ben2go]

Originally Posted by GateKeeper

Of all the people I have ever met in my life, she has to be the most famous. Fortunately, I met her before the Billy scandal. It was during the time she was being vetted for her internship at the white house. She should have been a blonde.

[john61ct]

In retrospect amazing that was even a scandal at all, Monica was really the tragic victim / hero there.

If they'd just said sure we did all that, what of it?

Maybe a slap on the wrist for workplace harassment, that was his real crime, abuse of his asymmetric power, but that was not taken so seriously back then.

Stupid to try to cover it up.

Hillary could've just said "none of your business" about the adultery issue, leave the possibility they have an open arrangement.

Monica and Hillary working together could've made #MeToo happen decades earlier, really should still put their weight behind it as a team.

[ahun]

Back to funny things:

[svmariane]

Down to the pub the other night in New Mexico and this US Border Patrol officer was chatting and joking around with a reporter over a few beers.


Officer: You want to hear a Border Patrol joke? Okay...

Knock knock.
Reporter: Who's there?
O: On
R: On what?
O: On the floor, m'ther blankér, and keep your hands where I can see em!

(Couple of beer swigs later...)

O: I caught so many illegal aliens trying to cross the border today I threw back two undersized Guatamalans. Guatmalans are small! It's true! They're like the leprechans of Central America!

Couple of swigs later...

O: Not all illegal Latin Americans are Mexican, of course. There's different kinds, you know? There's Cuban Mexicans and Honduran Mexicans and Costa Rica Mexicans, Nicaraguan Mexicans...
R: Cubans?
O: Okay, Cubans are Mexicans with boats.

R: What about Columbians?
O: Oh, no. I don't eff with Columbians. I don't get in their way. They got cocaine and coffee! They can stay up all night long thinking of weird ways to eff you up! No, no... Columbians are real nice people... I leave em alone.



O: The world is changing, my friend. Why, did you know that right up until around 2017, the state constitution of New Mexico barred idiots from voting? Yup. Article VII, § 1, right there in black and white. But they changed it now. Might have been something about the 2016 vote but I'm not really sure.

Anyway... I don't want to talk politics over beer where people can hear, so let's move on over to that corner table.

Begin countdown clock... Five... four... three...

[john61ct]

Maybe **that's** why we need the wall at the Colorado border!

[svmariane]

Did some research. Seems that the #1 reason New Mexico believes they're the BEST of the US States is that they have green chile EVERYTHING.

(For the linguistically challanged, Cerveza is Spanish for Beer.)